Elderly Epidemic in Harpoville

Elderly dying at alarming rate

The Harpoville Post is saddened to report, on this Valentines Day, that our aged are rapidly dying of natural causes and the numbers grow day by day. Reports of a study, just released from The Harpoville Medical Study Group say that the elderly in Harpoville are dying at alarming rates.

The Harpoville Post askes; "Is this an epidemic?"

The study shows that men and women between the ages of 60 to 70 years of age are dying less than those between the ages of 70 and 80 years of age. But, the study goes on to also show that the elderly, between the ages of 90 and 100 have the highest mortality rate than all the other groups combined.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Dr. Philip A. Hachico who headed the extensive research for, the subject study group, and he said; "I've gone over the findings over and over and over again and we've come to the conclusion that the 100 year old man may be extinct." The doctor said from his Harpoville home. "And there is a very good chance we will not be able to reverse our findings."
What is causing this alarming death rate in our elderly? ....... "Is it an epidemic?"

The Harpoville Post asked two elderly Harpovillians to comment, Miss Constance Cumming said "I don't want to die, I have too many things to do." Mr. J.R. Rearing told The Harpoville Post, "Good, it couldn't come soon enough. That's the problem with life it takes too god-dame long."

There you have it, two opposite views on Harpoville's elderly epidemic. Maybe one day, maybe soon, we'll answer that important question; is life for the elderly cut short or taking forever?