Sunday, January 21, 2007

A Little Tory Song A Little Tory Dance

"Leaves a little Tory seltzer down everybody's pants"

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo's Tory Government has done the near impossible by bring back the dead. But, just as Canadians were about to applaud the Tories for their hind-sight correction of past Tory ill judgment they went ahead to take a shot of their own foot. The government waited to announce the $300 Million dollar pledge to help seal up Canadian homes with a $1000. Per household grant to help keep old man winter where he belongs at the Toronto Home Show and was welcomed by the struggling renovation industry who applauded the move as well as most environmentalists who were left muttering; "Though isn't this just the old Liberal package you guy's scraped exactly one year ago." Instead of swallowing a little pride Minister of Natural Resources Gary Linn who delivered the annoucement, that should have came from the Minister of Environmental Disasters, went on the offensive by denying it saying; "No this is nothing like the Liberals plan to give money to home owners to help repair a seal their homes to help them save money on their gas bills. Nothing like that at all."

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Tory plan is said to deliver $1000 to $5000 per household that will go directly to the homeowners by way the renovation trades. The plan smells a tad like the 'spray insulation craze' of the 1970's which was followed by the 'pay money to have men take out the spray insulation craze' that follow in the 1980's and all paid for by the tax payers of Canada.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Canada To Develop Spy Coins

"We are about to release 'spy bucks' to find out what American's spent Canadian money on"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's top spying network has decided to go ahead a develop 'spy coins' after all. It was reported that America's extremely paranoid defense agency had accused Canada of planting 'spy coins' on defense contractors as they entered Canada to sell over-priced obsolete arms to Canada's dim-witted Minister of Lack-of-defense Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald. They claim Canada inserted tiny transmitters into the 'spy coins' to trace the whereabouts of defense contratctors and steal America's military technology which they are trying so desperately to unload on Canada now the arms bubble has burst in America. But just as America's false paranoid accusations came to light as completely reticules the Canadian spy network decided; "Hold on this isn't such a bad idea."

The Harpoville Post has learned that at first the CSO, the Canadian Spy Office, located at 221 Bank Street Ottawa, denied the accusations from the Americans but now have decided that it wouldn't be such a bad idea after all and have decided to go ahead with the plan. The CSO is planning to start work on developing microchip money. The CSO says they want to see how many American defense contractors spend their weapons commissions on lap dances in Hull Quebec after a hard days work selling shells in Ottawa.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Khan Caught in Ka-runch

"Mums the word on present and past dealings with Harpo's newest lap-dog"

The Harpoville Post reports nothing that will be said in response to Prime Minister Harpo's newest swipe from the Liberal gene-pool, ex-Liberal now Conservative MP Wajid Khan. Last summer when Khan felt so honored to be hand picked to spend $13,000 in 19 days to met with officials in Jordan, Syria, Israel, Egypt, Lebanon and Saudi Arabia but what was said at those meetings and the tax-payers expense is now been made private by the Prime Ministers Office for no other reason than; "That it's nun of your or the tax-payers business".

The Harpoville Post has learned since silence is golden with Harpo's new Conservative open Government why are they acting so cagey about news that their newest favored son may be soon brought up on charges of illegal political loans. The Prime Minister has run from sight and Vic Toews has made tracks by canceling a speech in Khan's Mississauga Ontario riding which was to welcome him into the Tory fold. It seems Khan's Mississauga car dealership over padded his own financial purse to ensuring an easily fluffed up victory in last years federal election. But since he was elected a liberal then defected to the Tories neither the liberals or the Tories will back him up on this one. The liberals are now screaming for an investigation and most likely his head on a stick and the Conservatives, well they're doing what they do best and not returning Khan's calls and cries for support.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Conservatives Get Green Under Pressure

"We plan more than just brochures this time."

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Conservatives have decided to roll out the green carpet later this week to announce their new green agenda. With pressure mounting to do something a year after being elected Harpo started the new year off right by kicking the Ministry of Environmental Disasters portfolio across the floor from lame duck Rona Ambose's oily claws to Harpo's own pit-bull John Baird. But, it seems John's acting somewhat apprehensive about what to do with this potentially political sinking ship.

The Harpoville Post has learned that being minister of a dead-duck can have its drawbacks and with no money to do much Baird has been 'scent' out to B.C. to wine and dine the NDP for some 'new and innovating' ideas and suggestions on what to do next with this pesty 'global warming' that just won't go away. But, since there is really very little new that can be done it may be time to bring back the old bruised and battered baby Harpo and his crew threw old with the murky Liberal bath water his government inherited just one year ago. They've decided to give the Liberal ideas a 'make-over' and see if they can't salvage some face and credibility locally because they've been laughed off the international stage one too many times. Though with breath a baited and set for new environmental announcements they won't becoming for the new Minister of Environmental Disasters John Baird. Word has it Canada will soon become a greener place with announcement from the Minister of Natural Resources.............. What? The government seems to be in denial when a report, released just last year, said that 24% of new green house gases can be traced back to Alberta's doorstep and the Ministry of Natural Resources.

The Harpoville Post speculates that Harpo has something up his sleeve other than pasty, white arms. First get a Minister with no experience to run the ministry then get all the new announcements for that new ministry announced by someone not familiar with the Ministry and keep your environmental Pit-Bull minister chained up in the back ready to unleash with the first scent of media disapproval that's sure to come down the pike. It sounds like a repeat of Harpo's first year in office.

The Harpoville Post imagines Harpos backyard. On one side of the yard is a chained John Baird on the other side a chained Charles McVety. Both with sharp teeth and studded collars. Just chomping at the bit to be released on the unsuspecting Canadian media.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Federal Government Again Loosing War On Drugs

"Conservatives plan to spent even more money on useless policing practices"

The Harpoville Post reports that a new study shows the Canadian Federal spends 73 percent of its 'War on Drugs' budget on policing and that it's a complete waste of time and energy. The Conservative Government, after reading the report, they paid for, has decided to step up their 'War on Drugs' by spending more money on policing. "If we could get everyone in the country who has ever smoked a marijuana cigarette or even thought about smoking a marijuana cigarette into prison where they belong it'll be more money better spent," said the Minister of Un-Health Tony Clement. The report underlines the Governments 245 Million dollar 'War on Drugs' strategy as ineffective at battling the effects of drug use by spending 73% on police and only 14% on treatment and 7% on research.

The Harpoville Post has learned that with news of the study comes word the government plans to follow through with even more useless spending on the taxpayers money by pouring more good money after bad. "This new Conservatives Government plans to change the approach of former ill-effective liberals governments by committing even money to policing and incarcerating more of Canada's stress filled recreational drug users, putting them into jails ruining their jobs, their family's and their chances at a bigger, brighter Canadian future. And we are quite proud of that".

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

US Bombs Somalia On a Whim

"The United States is presently engage in war with more countries in the past 60 years since WW2"

The Harpoville Post reports that the slim sliver of light that was, but for a second, the Democratic parties regaining of the US Congress was swiftly extinguished today as US bombs rained down on the tiny island of Badmadow in southern Somalia. The bombs were in answer to suspicion's that two al Qaeda members were living in the area. It leaves some wondering why G.W. Bush only held hands with Saudi Arabia when it was discovered that 16 of the 9/11 al Qaeda bombers were from that country.

The Harpoville Post has learned that America's desire for a war with the world was stepped up a big notch with the attacking Muslim extremists in Africa, a hemisphere full of them. Since the Americans aren't having much luck controlling the al Qaeda in Afghanistan and Iraq one wonders why they're wasting they're time chasing two al Qaeda members into another continent.

The Harpovillle Post reports last weeks announcement by G.W. Bush to put more American lives on the line, now sitting at over 3000, by doubling the troops in the 3 year disaster know as "Operation Iraqi Freedom". This move will only give al Qaeda more American troops to bomb, shoot at and send home in a box, which by the way, if everyone has forgotten still isn't being allowed to make the American prime-time news.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Canadian Actors in Actra Set To Strike

"As more Americans actors arrive in Toronto to replace the Canadian actors who, for years, have been playing American actors on American productions being fimed in Canada."

The Harpoville Post reports that 97% of Canadians actors belonging to Actra are set to strike on Monday January 8 if their demands are not met. The 21,000 members of Actra, the Alliance of Canadian Cinema, Television and Radio Arts are set to strike across Canada, except for British Columbia, over wage disputs. It seems the producers that hire and pay the actors want Actra to include the internet as part of their broadcast umbrella. But Actra isn't sure where that might fit into their name Actra.

The Harpoville Post has learned the people who have run the over-priced, exclusive Canadian actors union really don't care if the actors faces and performances are plastered all over the internet, which they already are, they're just not sure on how to fit the letter 'I' into the word Actra. The union has suggested just adding the letter 'I', for the word internet, to the end of the word to form the new word Actrai, which would suit most of the American producers just fine, eh!

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