Sunday, April 30, 2006

Bush & Harper's Softwood Talks

"So, what are you wearing?"

The Harpoville Post reports that its was an early morning wake up call from G.W.Bush to P.M.Harpo last Saturday morning that opened the way for the Softwood resolve this past week.

The Harpoville Post has obtained a transcript of that conversation between these two political giants in the wee, wee hours of last Saturday morning.

G.W.: "Harpo you there? Wake up, wake up."
Harpo: "Hello Mister President, I'm afraid you've caught me still in bed."
G.W.: "O'yea, so what are you wearing?"
Harpo: "Mr. President you're awful."
G.W.: "It sounds like I caught you playing Paul Bunyan with your morning wood."
Harpo: "We'll you see, I, I, I, I, I"
G.W.: "Come on spit it out boy."
Harpo: "I still have that softwood problem."
G.W.: ".............."
Harpo: "We've been real busy around here."
G.W.: "Well speaking of softwood maybe we can clear up that lumber dispute this week. What ya say Harpo, would ya like that?
Harpo: "Very much Sir, tell me about my softwood."
G.W.: "Great, this is what I'm thinking I'm running a little short of spending cash these days, with war with Iran on the horizon and all. How much do we owe you?"
Harpo: "5.2 Billion Sir."
G.W.: "5.2 aye, how 'bout we keep 1 Billion, say for the lawyers or something, and we'll give you the rest back over time. How's fifty bucks a week sound."
Harpo: "That's sounds swell Sir. That'll make me look good in the press. What about the interest?"
G.W.: "What interest Harpo. Unless your interested in my foot up your ass."
Harpo: "No, Sir, fifty dollars a week would be just fine, thank you Sir."
G.W.: "I'll get my people to draw up the papers and get'em on up to ya, see ya Harpo."
Harpo: "Thanks for the Mr. President and Mr. President......"
G.W.: "..................."

230,000 Breasts Go Bra-less

"As 115,000 bras blow in the breeze"

The Harpoville Post reports that a seventy mile long chain of brazers where blowing in the wind in Cyprus to support breast cancer. To increase awearness of regular check ups thousands of women went bra-less for this annual event.

"The winds of change are blowing"

"We'll use the D-cups to catch the wind"

The Harpoville Post reports that last year 60 miles of bras were strung together in Singapore and it is said the larger bras worn by western women help'd obtain the extra ten miles. Bras from as far away as Alaska were collect over a year long span and it took volunteers eight hours to string them all together.

"It just feels unbeleivable" said one woman in attendance.

"And it looks just great" said her husband

Pope says Love More Children

"A bizarre comment for any pontiff to plant"

The Harpoville Post
Sunday Editorial

The Harpoville Post Sunday editorial looks at a comment made by Pope Benedict 16th this past week. The Pope passed on concerns that Children are not receiving the love they deserve. The Pope sends out the message while abused children and adults send out a message of they're own, through court cases and law suit accuations, that they've received way too much love from the Catholic church already.

The Harpoville Post reports that every year more and more come forward of tales of abuse by a representive of the Catholic church. Does the Pope not read the papers? Does the Pope not read the memos all over the desk? Is the Pope blind to the distruction left behind by latten repressive representatives of the Catholic church who are not allowed to show their own true colors as gay men in need of love more than the children the Pope speaks of?

"Maybe the Pope should sign some of the cheques the Catholic church cuts"

This message is brought to you by
A place where Catholics come to find Catholics and try to find true love in this heavenless world of cheap thrills and internet dating. Come to and have something real to confess about.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Batty Bush Blames Canada

"This fuckers out of his mind"

The Harpoville Post has learned that U.S. President G.W.Bush is coming apart at the seems by blaming Canada as a terroist safe haven. The President, on one hand, congratulates Canada on its commitment in Afghanistan while in the same breath calling Canada a terrorist meca.

"Georgie-boy, he go crazy"

The Harpoville Post reports as the Presidents poll numbers drop like a stone at home and war is being sought in Iran Georgie-boy's gone battie. News of the President saying Canada's liberal open door, come on in, everyone is welcome style of immigration has allowed the harbouring of terrorists who are raising funds and plotting terrorists acitivities. The Presidents comments come as his countries immigration policies are under attack and the U.S. death toll is nearing two Americans a day in civil war torn Iraq. Where the U.S. say there are no terrorists there only insurgents, since they arrived.

"What's the difference between a terrorist and an insurgent?
An insurgent registers with the government the terrorist doesn't."

The Harpoville Post
has learned that the President is loosing it by saying Canada is soft on terrorists because Canada has only arrested one terrorist since 9/11. 9/11 was where terrorists arrive in America, some with green cards, there they trained, they plotted and they launched a terrorist attack on the World Trade Centers, all while on G.W.Bush's watch. Of the 19 highjackers, who carried out the attacks, most were from Saudi Arabia and G.W. holds hands with that counties leaders. This Republician retoric seems to be direct contrast to the Presidents praise for Canada's commitment to Afghanistan and in fighting terrorists and George's own problems with his administration.

"This should be apparent to all that George has his finger on the panic-button and if I lived in America, I'd pack."

Rush Limbaugh Mug-shot Coffee Cup

"Rush Limbaugh mug-shot coffee cups should be out by Christmas"

The Harpoville Post has learned that America's staunch defender of the white-right has had is day in court and is officially a criminal. It is near impossible to imagine that Rush who has spent the last 20 years denouncing Liberalism and Drugs gets arrested in of all things a Republician held America for illegally obtaining and using dope.

"Why do you think they call it dope"

The Harpoville Post reports Rush and his team of lawyers entered a guilty plea of "Poor Rush has fell victim of the demon dope and he's sorry and Rush promises never to do it again and he's going to rehab and studying the bible and your honor please don't send this puggy white man to an all black fuck-you-in-the-ass prison cause he won't last an hour. did your honor happen to see Shawshant Redemption well, we rest our case."

The Harpoville Post has learned that Rush was charged with "doctor shopping" after it was found out he obtained 2000 oxyContin, also know as Hillbilly Heroin" from four doctors in six months and all at his local pharmacy. Rush's lawyer, Roy Black, a white man, has convinced the Florida prosecutors that Rush is going the rehab route, for the third time and that may be all the Republican State of Florida will ask of Mr. Limbaugh.

"Talk about a double standard for a favored child of the republic."

Friday, April 28, 2006

Harper Caught on an About Face

"The two face bastard has to do a 360 to show his other side"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo is being called on his new Accountability Act, or lack of, by Canadian Information Commissioner John Reid. Harpo's new Parliamentary proposal would allow more ways for the government to hide information than ever before.

"Once you read the fine print, accountability flies out the window."

The Harpoville Post has learned that Commissioner Reid seems to be the only person in the Canadian Parliament to have read the Accountability Act and he doesn't like what he sees. Mr. Reid told The Harpoville Post, "No one has ever put forth a more retograde and dangerous set of proposals to change the Access Of Information act since it went into effect in 1983." He then added, "This Accountability Act and his other proposals will increase the governments ability to cover up wrong doing, shield itself from embarrassment and control the information offered to Canadians."

"More secrecy less openness"

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo's Accountability Act will give the government 10 new loopholes that would allow civil servants a way to deny access to information now available to Canadians. It seems that Harpo learned from the lessons that brought down Martin's Liberal Government and is about to plug the leaks that will stop that type of information, that finished them off, to ever be allowed public again.

New York Murder Numbers are in

"The Big Apple still a great place to go to get away"

The Harpoville Post reports that new news has been released on America's biggest city, New York City, and their murder rate is down but it ain't out. In 2005 504 people were murdered in N.Y. and these new statistics show who's doing who in The Big Apple.

The oldest murderer was 88 years old, the oldest victim was 91. The youngest child murderer was 9 year old girl, the youngest victim was 1 year old. Five people killed their boss, 10 killed their co-workers. Women are twice as likly to kill men. Men prefer hand guns women prefer knives. Saturday is the most brutal night of the week and 1am to 2am the most brutial time of day. 90 percent of killers have criminal records half of the victims have criminal records. Most often killers know their victims and most murders happen outside. Whites and Asians are very seldom murderers but are more often murdered. Age 10 is the safest age, too old to abuse too young to wander the streets.

"Stupid murders are on the rise"

Man was killed in his SUV for stopping to help a stranded motorist.
KFC employee was killed for not putting enough starch/lard on a customers potato wedges.
A serial killer killed four shopkeepers but, would not rob them because they were Muslim. (picky, picky,picky)
A retired cop was killed in a drive-by shooting by his wife who was also a cop.

The Harpoville Post has surmised that from these statistics that to survive in New York City it is best to be; "A 10 year old unmarried black male cross-dressing boss without a criminal record who doesn't know anybody, doesn't eat fast food, doesn't go outside and if he does he never goes out on a Saturday night between 1 and 2 am and he never stops to help anybody."

The Queen of Nice Returns

"The Dyke of Delight is back"

The Harpoville Post
Entertainment Friday

The Harpoville Post is pleased to announce that TV got just a little bit sweaty'r with today's discovery that the, self-titled, Queen of Nice is rolling back onto the little screen. That's right, Rosie O'Donnell is slated to replace Meredith Vieira on the day-time TV talk show The View. Though, this news won't second page, "War With Iran" it has started many of the typical topical tongues in tiny tinsel town tattling to the tune of, 'Stop the World and Let Me Off.'

The Harpoville Post reports that Rosie will take her place along side all the yakity yak little ladies Joy, Star, Elisabeth and Barbara to rattle on incessantly about any and everything that comes along. It is the first return to TV after Rosie bowed down from day-time to be a stay at home mom or dad with her or her's, Rosie's mate; carpenter Kelly O'Donnell, kids a few years ago. It is not yet clear whether Rosie will recreate her role as the large, over-bearing, opinionated, self centered diva she has been for years or try some real acting skills.
Our only question is what's Star going to do?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

California Offers Free Gas

"All you got to do is get there"

The Harpoville Post has learned that the state of California is offering motorists free gasoline when they run out. With parts of America seeing gas prices up over $3.00 per gallon this all sounds pretty sweet but, there's a catch you got to get there first and you've got to run out of gas on the freeway to qualify.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the state of California has a free public service that offers one gallon of free gasoline to motorists once they've run out while driving on one of that states main freeways. The program was first set up when gas was cheap and to help stranded motorists who could become victims of crime if left alone on the side of the road. But, the problem is that now gas is over $3.00 per gallon people are heading to the highway once they near empty and the California Government doesn't know for how long they'll be able to keep topping people up.

The Harpoville Post spoke to California's governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and he said, "I don't know what we can do about it if we keep giving it away like this people will start to look to me and say 'look at Arnold he gives gas away when it's expensive, is he stupid?' Well, I have to think that maybe I am but, then we can't have tha people stuck on da highways all night long with no gas in they tanks." We asked Governor Schwarzenegger with gas prices rising so quickly how long the state will be able to sustain giving away gasoline and he said, "We've decided to keep the program going till all present gas stocks are depleated and then we'll stop the program and decide what to do next. But, there is a very good chance, the next time you run out of gas, I won't be back."

America Bends to Canada's Demands

Harpo "Softwood saga over, what else can we give them"

The Harpoville Post

The Harpoville Post is pleased to report that the Canada vs America Softwood saga is over and with America realizing the sheer strength of Canada's barganing power they have caved in to our demands.

The Harpoville Post reports what a master of negotiations our fierce leader Harpo, has turned out to be by beating the Americans at their own game and demanding they accept our demands. News of Harpo's victory and Americans defeat came swift and cut the Governments opposition to bits with its stinging refrain.

The Harpoville Post reports how American President G.W.Bush stook in fear as our grand leader Harpo beat his demands down onto the table. How hurt and sore they must all be after feeling such defeat.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Americans accepted Harpo's brutal demands of keeping over 1 Billion dollars of the 5.2 Billion the United States over-charged Canada through unfair tariffs. We are so lucky our leader Harpo is so generous he allowed the Americans to keep only 20% of the original amount. Also, the Americans must allow as much as 34% of Canadian Softwood into the United States. An amount like that is monumental considering the demand for Canadian softwood is so high in America that American Builders need so much more Canadian softwood that the American government falsely inflates through price fixing and by restricting imports. But, our leader Harpo doesn't care about America's demands as he is ruler and supreme leader of Harpoville and will not allow the measly Americans anything more.

"All hail leader Harpo"

"Good thing the woods so soft and goes in so easily"

Harper Hangs O'Connor with the Flag

"I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, "

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo is ducking bullets shot from the guns of angry opposition about the governments refusal to accept death as a part of life during war time. Prime Minister Harpo has hung his Lack-of- Defense Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, out to dry as the P.M. ducks, covers and runs-like-hell over flag-gate.

The Harpoville Post has learned that opposition to the Conservative Governments decision to take an American style see-no-evil view to flag drapped coffins arriving from Afcanistan and flags flown at half-mast on Parliament Hill is causing Harpo to show is real battle stradgy which is to run. Harpo turned in the real culprit behind flag-gate Gordon O'Connor as a crazy old kook who's Walt Brennan imitations leave most of them in stitches but, uncomfortable with his decisions.

Harpo said this to The Harpoville Post, "We like old Gord'o up on the Hill but, he is acting a little full of himself these days. all this stuff about respecting the families has got us all little concerned. I think maybe the pressure is a little too much for him, I think we'll just wheel him over by the window so he can still see the ducks, he seems to like that. We'll just give him a little Golden Gord'o Time and he'll come around, you just watch."

Good Reason to be a Slacker

"A dame good reason to do sweet fuck all"

The Harpoville Post reports that just as the ink has dried on the tax forms and they've been dropped in the mail for another year a new study shows just how badly we get hosed. It seems the old addage is true, 'the only two things in life you can count on are death and taxes', and with some new news on Canadian taxes, it seems, most of us will suffer a very painful death.

"More to the government than anything else"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Canadians give more to the Government in taxes than they spend on food, clothing and shelter. It is now reported that since 1961, 44 years ago, taxes paid to the Government, by Canadians, have gone up 1000 percent.

"Do you see a difference, I don't see a difference"

The Harpoville Post reports just as Harpo and his new Government are about to release his 'new' budget that is expected to reveal a 1% reduction on Canada's 1990 Conservative introduced value added 7% GST, Harpo has hinted to the provinces that they should raise their provincal sales tax to cash in on his generosity. Thank Christ most of the provinces have said no and Harpo is now seen standing out with is Johnson in plain view. The news of Harpo's true desire to not give Canadians a tax break comes just as Canadians now learn that the 30% of familes earn 60% of the wages and pay 66% percent of the tax.

"Canadian over achievers learn a bitter lesson"

The Harpoville Post has learned that a 'go-getter', back in 1961, would earn a pretty handsome salary of $2,750 a year and pay $960. or 34% of his earnings on taxes. The same over achiever in 2005 would earn $122,657 a year and pay $62,278 in taxes which amounts to 50.8% of his income on taxes. This new news leaves most Canadians eyeing the grave as blessed relief from lifes other guarantee.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Spring is Pesticide Genocide Season

"Time to get out the Weed and Feed you lazy B.'s"

The Harpoville Post reports that spring has sprung once again here in Harpoville and with a new season underway soon the streets will be filled with lawn care company's chemical trucks, operated by men with little or no training or credentials, liberally dosing thousands of neighborhoods with enough poison to choke a small Afgani village.

The Harpoville Post has learned that a Canadain outcry to the overuse of pesticides, specifically 2,4-D is being led by Canada's, underdog, NDP party. A new study just released states that 2,4-D does cause cancer. This finding contradicts a recent study from the PMRA, the Pest Managemant Regulatory Agency. The PMRA is a federal run agency that receives all its information from and oversees any regulating of the pesticide manufactures. It seems the PMRA's study has come to the conclusion that 2,4-D is actually good for us and will continue to allow the dumping of 50 million Kilograms across Canada this and ever year.

"Just a tea spoon of sugar helps the medicine go down"

The Harpoville Post reports that the NDP want the cemicial companies that make 2,4-D, also know as Weedclean, Areomine and Aerostar, to prove these products are safe, to humans and not just to rats, and do not cause cancer.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Mrs. Lilly Bugger from the PMRA who told us, "We at the PMRA understand the concerns of citizens on the overuse of pesticides by your average ignorant, lazy, overworked, underpaid, highly stressed, borderline obese Canadians who can no longer kneel down, let alone bend over to do a simple task like weeding their lawn or garden that are on the average 100 square feet in size and are dependant on the overuse of wonderful products like 2,4-D to help manage their pest problems." We asked Mrs. Bugger about the NDP's plan to limit or ban the overuse of pesticides like 2,4-D and she said, "The first question we ask at the PMRA is, do we have a pest problem? Well, in the case of the NDP we'd have to say yes and what is the best answer to a pest problem, that's right, 2,4-D. I bet you didn't know it was one of the active ingrediants in Agent Orange, and look at the fine job that product did during the Viet Nam War."

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Oil, It Ain't Going Away

"$75. a barrel we ain't half way there"

The Harpoville Post reports that high prices at the pumps hasn't caused a ripple in the alternative fuel market, there is still no interest. News yesterday that 'Oil Man' President G.W. Bush is planning an inquiry into high oil prices which will have no effect since oil has risen from $30 to $75 a barrel in the six years he's been in office and there doesn't seem to be any hurry to slow that rocket down.

The Harpoville Post has learned that American's aren't in any hurry to find alternatives to the high price of gas or any interest in giving up their monster size gas guzzling cars and SUV's for something........ cheaper. North Americans believe in the theory that it won't happen here, this is just a phase and the price will settle back down, I mean it has to right....... right......... Wrong!

The Harpoville Post reports that by all indication the price of oil will climb higher and higher since both Canada and America are under the security blanket spell of Conservative Governments who are backed by BIG oil money. They have no desire to see prices drop or citizens get a break and the populas has no desire to change. Sounds like a win win situation. They get what they want we get left paying for it. In the not too distant future when the decision comes down to, "do I put food on the table or gas in my tank?" The answer to that question will decide the fate of all of our worlds.

Bob Rae Steps up to the Plate

The Harpoville Post
Political Editorial

"A dame good chance of hitting Harper out of the park"

The Harpoville Post reports that Bob Rae has decided to commit to the thankless job of running for leader of the Liberal party. Bob threw his hat, five years of political leadership, his Rhodes Scholar-ship and the weight of Canada's, liberal-minded, side of, Bay Street, into the ring in this race to rule, the once mighty, now slightly less, Liberal party.

The Harpoville Post Reports that Bob joins a party of near a dozen who have now set out on their quest, to seek the brass ring that will send them closer to 24 Sussex Drive. Bob's years of experence, even if they wern't glory ones from 1990 to 1995, as Premier of Ontario, will be curve balls he'll be swinging at for months and months to come. Since the Liberal party has decide to wait till December to make their minds up, near a year since the election that sent their asses to the dugout in the first place. In Ontario Bob Rae was the slugger behind the once implamented Photo Radar. It was loathed by speeders, insurance companies, the auto industry and anyone else who believed it it is the right of car owners to go as fast as need be to get there. This proved the winning ticket for the triumphant Conservative Mike Harris, who was batting zero on the bench till he swore, if elected, he'd make the roads unsafe again and do away with the dreaded 'Photo Radar'.

The Harpoville Post has learned that it's an old Conservative trick to get in the voters good books by finding something they hate then promise, once elected, to do away with it. The dosile voters who think no further than the dump they need to take after their next trip to Mickeyd's fell for it and Mike instantly, after defeating Bob, did away with the biggest cash cow and the only way to insure safety on Ontario's life threating 400 highways.

The Harpoville Post hopes that Ontario's Conservative minded media will give Rae, as well as the other contenders, the chance to compete on a level playing field full of potholes, rain days and irritated fans for a thankless job, that no-one in their right mind would want but, we all need an intelligent man or woman for.

Monday, April 24, 2006

America Admits to Softwood Suckling

"All right, we're lying bastards but, we'll keep 1 billion to pay off our lying lawyers"

The Harpoville Post has learned that a decision to finally admit guilt may come from the American softwood industry as a final conclusion to softwoodgate nears. The Harpoville Post reports that the Americans have decided to return only 4 of the 5 billion dollars they illegally took by setting unfiar duties on Canadian softwood. The unfair duties caused increased pricing on both sides of the border in the building and renovation industry.

The Harpoville Post has learned that one billion dollars will be kept by the Americans to pay off lawyers who lied for years trying to keep all 5 billion. The Harpoville Post reports there is still no word from the Conservatives on what percentage of interest will be paid back to the Canadian softwood Industry on the 4 billion that has been sitting in America's softwood coffers since 2002.

Gordon O'Connor's Casualty Friday's

"Once a year is enough remembering"

The Harpoville Post reports that a letter from Lack-of Defense Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, is suggesting the country do away with the old tradition of dropping the flag to half-mast every time a Canadian soilder dies.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Mr. O'Connor who said, "We'll be going out on the lawn and pulling that dame flag down every second day for the war we've got in mind for Canada. I've suggested once a year on Remembrance Day, I mean that's the idea of Remembrance Day, isn't it, to remember the soldiers that have given their lives for Canada in every one of our wars not just the war we are in right now." We asked Mr. O'Connor then it's settled, that there is a war in Afcanistan, "No, no, no, we're there fighting for Canada's freedom, it's for Canada were over there, terrorists, 9/11. We've got to stand our ground and stay the course, don't give up, 9/11,, fight the good fight, 9/11, terrorists. For Canada, 9/11, for Canada."

The Harpoville Post has learned no outcry has been heard, as of yet, on Mr. O'Connor's plan to stop dropping the Parliamentary flag to half-mast but, we expect there will be as more and more Canadians wake up to the fact that soon more and more flag drapped coffins will soon be arriving on the nightly news. We asked Mr O'Connor if he had any other suggestions other then once a year to remember the young soldiers who will soon be dieing in a far off land and he said, "Well, we've been kicking around the idea of Casualty Friday's."

Gospel of Judas Casserole Scraps

"Some people call them left-overs we call them scraps"

The Harpoville Post reports that news of the Gospel of Judas being found in Ohio excited the religious world over the weekend. The find, said to explain what happened to Judas after he turned Jesus in for thirty peices of silver, has turned out to be not such a tempting dish.

The Harpoville Post has learned that antiquities dealer Bernie Ferrino announced the discovery on a church bulletin board as "Gospel of Judas Scraps for details call Bernie at home." When word was released in the religious community it soon spread across the country like locus and the news media and the deeply religious became very excited by the supposed find.

The Harpoville Post spoke to noted Biblicial Historian Hans Christian who told, "A find like this may explain what happened to Judas after the crucifixion. It was believed that the Romans had to put Judas into a ancient style witness protection plan to save him from retaliation by Jesus's followers. Now, with this new discovery it is now suggested that the Romans changed Judas name to Bernie and moved him and his family to Ohio."

The Harpoville Post has also obtained a personal interview with Mr. Bernie Ferrino as he was leaving the local Too Hot To Hold Video store and he told us, "There really is nothing special". when asked if could explain to us what the Gosple of Judas was, he said, "Sure, it's a casserole but, it's nothing special that's why I offered the scraps to the church. But, last Sunday we had the Book of Jobe souffle', now that was tasty."

Saturday, April 22, 2006

America wants Russia to stop take-out

"We know they'd sell their sisters for a song"

The Harpoville Post
Weekend Editoral

The Harpoville Post reports that word from Washington is that Russia should stop selling Iran weapons. The saber rattling continues between the two countries but word has it that America knows Iran is stockpilling for a party and Russia has the concession.

"Russia's got the weapons and Iran's got the ca$h"

The Harpoville Post has learned that, with coalilition troops in both Afcanistan and Iraq, Iran is feeling some-what surrounded and too much pressure from the United States to stop it's nuclear program and back down now. The U.S. is citing the United Nations, instead of slighting the world organization, to get the Russians to stop selling weapons to Iran. It seems all roads lead to Tehran and the United States of America has already decided that that's where the party is.

"It's getting hot in here"

The Harpoville Post reports that one clear indication of this is this comment released out of Washington, "Iran is not in complanice of the terms of the Presidential statement issued by the Security Council." That comment sounds like party planning to this Harpoville Post reporter and with Prime Minister Harpo dragging Canadian troops so close to the party central we're sure to get an invite.

Harper's Unquestionable Accountability

"I'm the Count of accountability"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo say's his accountability bill should not be held accountable by those no-good unaccountable Liberals. Speaking for the first time in public, since January, at Toronto's exclusive, members only, Empire Club, Harpo said, "I feel my unquestionable accountability bill should not come in question."

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Liberals are concerned about one clause, in particular, in the massive 252 page bill, that has many, in the sleepy senate, asking questions. Harpo wants the justice minister to have power to decide who and for what should be prosecuted. Members of the Senate have spoken out that nowhere in Canada is this allowed so why does Harper want to change it. The only complaint coming out of the NDP camp is that Jack Layton wants it in writting that MP's can't switch parties when promised larger slices of cake and bigger parting gifts. This reform would make sense coming from the NDP because no-one yet has switched parties to become a member of the NDP.

"I'm on a timetable people"

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo has yet to send in his Christian Pit-bull McVety to attack the un-holy Senate if they dare stand in his way in raming home his massive Accountability Bill before June.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Mulroney Pale Green P.M.

Harpo "Jesus what's that smell?"

Mulroney "It's my own personal green house effect"

The Harpoville Post reports a dinner held in Harpoville last night to honor ex Prime Minister Brian Mulroney for his green environmental acheviments fortold future Conservative commitiments to the environment. But, unfortunatly the outlook for a greener Canadian future looks pretty bleak.

The had-to-be-there, sold out, dinner's guest speaker was Prime Minister Stephen Harper who wasted no time in turning it into a Conservative love fest. "No hippy-tree-hugging environmentalist in the 80's would have given Mulroney the time of day but, now he is honored as the greenest prime minister. Now, let me say I've had the misfortune to smell Mr. Mulroney's breath and I must say there is something fermenting in there but, those are the winds of change blowing across this great country for all Canadians as I take the reins and lead this, this, this Canada in a new direction. Maybe a direction not many Canadians wish to go but, a direction I've been mandated to go in. A direction not hindered by the problems of Kyoto but, set forth by the example our fine friends from the south have set in motion. So, it's best to say if they do nothing what's the use of we doing anything, and I hope you'll consider me for this award in the future."

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Dave Emerson"I want to go home"

"It's cold and dark and they're always praying"

The Harpoville Post reports that more bad news is seeping out from the say's-pool know as Club Harper. David Emerson, ex-Liberal, now Conservative and Minister of Rough Trade is whinning so loud even his Vancouver constituants are starting to feel sorry for Dave.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Dave Emerson isn't too happy living life as a Harpoite and he's complaining that he'd rather go back to being a Liberial and has even been seen, out late, strolling the parks with NDP Jack Layton. Stephen Harper is running the four minute mile trying to dispell rumors of discontent in his ranks but, The Harpoville Post has heard it all.

The Harpoville Post spoke to David Emerson as he wept uncontrollably about his mistake in judgement. "What the hell was I thinking, Harpo dangled that Rough Trade carrot in front of my face and like a school girl on prom night I fell for it. What an idiot I've been, I mean I've tried to call the Liberals but no one is in the office and they won't answer my calls." We asked Dave what it was like in Harpo's cabinet, and he said, "It's like a prison in there, Harpo turns the lights down low and sits at the head of the table and insists everyone call him Lilly, Lilly what the hell is that all about, I think it was his mothers name or something I don't know. But they're really angry at the Liberals and they say their going to make them pay for 13 years in the cheap seats..... And pray, that's all they do they sit in there and thank God for this, thank God for that. I mean sure pray a little but all the fucking time. It's getting too weird, too weird."

The Harpoville Post requested a comment from the Conservative camp and we were directed to speak to Bob Klager head of Harpo Communications who told us, "I really don't believe David Emerson said those things because as everyone knows all comments and I mean ALL comments are first to be cleared by us in the office. So since I have no notes of what Mr. Emerson supposedly said so, if they do not exsist then what you say Mr. Emerson supposedly said doesn't exsist either. We at Harpo Central Command are here to make sure such errors do not happen and will never happen." We asked Mr. Kalger he was of German decent and he told us, "Nine, I Swiss, goodbye."

Mulroney Crawls up from the Compost

"He's only looking for dinner and accolade"

The Harpoville Post reports that it has been a banner week for stupid Conservatives tricks and with two days left before the weekend, they just keep on coming. Todays announcement has former B.M. the least liked P.M. out looking for love and recognition in all the wrong places, Canada and for all reasons, his green achievements. And although it sounds pretty strange for a Conservative to get an award for once having greener thoughts, some think it's deserving.

"The Creature from the Green Lagoon"

The Harpoville Post reports that Mulroney's biggest green achievement was fleecing the Canadian tax payer out of millions of dollars while lying through his green teeth about a pay off he accepted worth $300,000 from the Air Bus Scandal. Mulroney denied taking the money sued the Government won, then later ,when it was revealed he did accept the bribe, he quietly paid the back tax on the $300,000 and was never asked of even offered to pay back the 2 million dollars.

The Harpoville Post has heard that the guest of honor to this darling event will be non-other than Stephen Harper who so far has only hinted at what he doesn't plan to do for our environment. Slashing the Environmental Minstry by 80% and clawing back 2.4 million promised to the United Nations for the environment by the previous Liberal Government.

The Harpoville Post asked Rona Ambrose, Canada's new Minister of Environmental Disasters, whether she'll be attending the event and she told us, "Only if I am feed and feed properly. I can't see myself attending a dinner of cold ska-wab and mushy peas in one of my fabulous 'purchased on the pubic purse' evening gowns. If I'm not feed well I might as well stay at home and refuse my husband sex."

Auto Tuning Guitar a God Send

The Harpoville Post
New Tech. Thursday

The Harpoville Post reports of a new invention that will make most musicians, who have ever been stuck on stage with an untuned guitar, sit back and smile.

No more will patrons run for their lives searching for safe scansions to shelter away from screeching and searing sounds of an out of tune Stratocaster. No long will the sad sounds of songsters search for serious acceptance cause cats to screech and scream in the night.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the inventor Neil Skinn, no relation to the inventor of the helmet, Forrester Skinn, has invented a turning system than can be adapted to any guitar made. The system auto tunes the guitar to any desired pitch or any tormented guitar tuning.

The Harpoville Post reports that now parents and musicians alike can sit back and relax knowing they'll never have to utter the phrase; "Hey, didn't that thing come in tune."

Wanted New Leader of Iraq

"Must be able to handle stress"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Iraq's Prime Minister Ibrahim ali-Jaarfari has decided he's had enough of the good life of running this war torn nation, and he's stepping down to let someone else get a crack at it. The position is said to pay "very well" in American dollars though lack of free time and screams for your head seem to be some of the draw backs to the position. Requirments are; stress management, not to be too skittish of bomb blasts and being bi-lingual, so as to take orders from American Generals in English and be able to translate them into the many warring tribal dialects.

"Saddam considers one more crack at the cup"

The Harpoville Post has learned that former dictator Saddam Hussein is considering throwing his hat into the ring for old times sake. It is believed, by many, that Saddam can still muster up the fear and terror it will take to get this 'un-civil war' raged country back on the map. He has the experence after decades of savage rule under his belt and these days he's still seen hanging out with his old gang of generals.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Saddam about the possibility of him running for the position and he said, "You know something like this you just don't rush in to, it takes time to dream up a military dictatorship. Look at Bush and his boys the way they fucked it up, no planning, these guy's don't have the go-nads to run this place like it needs to be run. Though, let me tell you something funny that happened just the other day. We, I mean me and my Generals were sitting around chewing the fat, talking old times, when this 'new Iraqi soldier' came into our cell and told us it was time to eat. Now I'm Saddam Hussein, I'm the guy who say's when it's time to eat not some young buck straight out of the Baghdad academy. Let me tell you within seconds I was up on my feet chewing this kid a new...... well let's just say I've still got it."

The Harpoville Post considers Saddam a good choice to lead Iraq back from the brink of total disaster that is if they haven't arrived there already.

Charles McVety a Christian Pitbull

The Harpoville Post
Mid-week Editoral

"Sit back Stephen I'll take over now"

The Harpoville Post reports that Charles McVety is the new sheriff in town who's here to protect Stephen Harper and his Conservatives for God's work.

Charles McVety president of the Canadian Christian College, is founding member of Canada Family Action Coalition, is host of a nationally sin-dicated TV program called, is number one critic of Canada's Same Sex Bill and a pro-christian political activist. Mr. McVety is a very powerful and wealthy extreme right-wing Christian who has decided to use American smear politics to promote his own agenda.

"Came out charging like a Pitbull in the park"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Charles McVety is using his wealth and power, at first, to help get Stephen Harper elected and now to use smear to stop anyone from changing the very scary course that Harper and McVety have set Canada on.

Charles McVety is using his powerful religious lobby of the CFAC, The Instute of Canadian Values and The Real Women of Canada Action group to attack the Ontario Coalition for Better Child Care, a non profit group made up of child care workers and parents, because they spoke out against the Conservatives scrapping the Liberal's 5 Billion dollar plan for their $5.00 a day daycare plan. McVety says the Ontario Coalition gets their funding for Liberals and unions, (since when was it evil to belong to a union) and he says he has ways of proving it. Mr. McVety hides behind the church so he doesn't have to disclose where he gets all his money from.

The Harpoville Post reports that Harper came out daring anyone to speak out against his $5.00 a day Daycare Plan now then, when someone does, he's decides he means business by bring his fundamental Christan supporters to the table to protect him in his hour of need.

The Harpoville Post would like to say that, not so long ago, this type of actions would get laughed off in Canada but, that was then and this is now.

It's time for true Canadians to speak out before right-wing fundamentalists like McVety run this country like they do to the one below the 49th.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Terrorist Attack Oil Rigs.....Maybe

"9/11 Terrorist, 9/11 Terrorist"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Military left out of the land locked Afcanistan war are fueling new fears. Canadian Rear-End Admiral Dan McNeil has signaled fresh fears from Canada's off shore oil rigs. The Rear-end Admiral is left feeling his fears are falling on deaf ears and he needs to wake Canada up to the threat.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Admiral, who now has a lot of time on his hands with Canada's new Afcanistan land-locked war, feels that Canada's off shore oil and natural gas rigs are sitting ducks for terrorist activity and something needs to be done about it. The Rear-end Admiral told The Harpoville Post, "Arrr' I'm telling yea matey if one of them thar terrorist was to gets his hands on a plane and he decides to fly into one of them thar unprotected rigs, arrr', it wouldn't be good now would it." he then added, "Or if they was to steal a ship, arrr', they could do an awful lot a damage thar."

The Harpoville Post has learned that 100 men live and work on the oil and gas rigs off the east coast of Canada there has been no threat by terrorist organizations or even the slightest bit of interested in flying a plane, or stealing a boat and crashing it into the rigs.

Scott McClellan's Leap to Safety

"Beam me up Scotty no more"

The Harpoville Post reports that White House press secretary Scott McClellan handed in his resignation to President G.W. Bush today.

Standing amongest the teary eyed press on the South lawn, the lawn most often used as the White House employee exit, Scott held back tears as he turned to the President and said, "I've given you my all and been called a boob for it now you toss me out like yesterdays newspaper after the cats pissed all over it, I've had enough."

The President stood up to the microphone and said, "I'll miss you Scotty you were the only guy around here that could take my words and mess them around so, so, like I always said if you don't try to succeed you can get there anyway but, with a little help America's the winner here so, buddy I just want this to be said so, there's no miss-understating what I just meant."

The President turned to shake Scott's hand as the press asked Scott to please translate what the President just said. Scott stood up to the microphone and said, "The President said that we'll all miss you here in the White House Scott, that it's been a great two years having you around and I know you and America will be better off on the other side of the fence wondering just what the hell is going on in here." Scott then turned to the President and they shook hands as the President said, "I couldn't have said what he said better than than the first time I said it, thanks Scotty."

Government Gags General over Grumblings

Harpo "Hey Hiller, shut the fuck up"

The Harpoville Post has learned that for the first time in Canadian history the Government has delivered a gag order to a Gerneral in the Canadian Armed Forces. Brig.-Gen. Rick Hiller was been told to pre-clear any media comments with Prime Minister Harpo's Office or risk, or risk, or risk what?.

The Harpoville Post has learned that tensions run high between Brig.-Gen. Hiller and Lack-of-Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald. The two, it seems, don't see eye to eye on a lot of things including the war in Afcanistan and building military bases in the north to impead the Russians from attacking Canada. The high strung, former arms lobbyist, Gordon O'Connor who lives in a Reagan-est communist fearing world were the military is all you've got and the best thing a country can spend all your money on This seems to have the real General's in the Canadian Military, who have to work under him, very concerned.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Department of Lack-of-Defense released one comment on the matter but, only after it was cleared by the Prime Ministers Office, that read, "There's a lot of information we're providing a lot further in advance, or trying to."

The Harpoville Post had this message de-coded and this is what it says, "Hey Hiller you better shut the fuck up. You ever heard of 'friendly fire', well we're pretty good at it so you better watch it, you hear me."

With the Conservative Government's budget only weeks away one wonders whether Military spending is now being tabled and that those in the know don't like what they see.

Baby attacks Harper over Daycare Issues

Baby "$5.00 a day, you cheap prick"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Prime Minister Harpo has put the Liberals to the challenge of challenging his daycare reforms. The Liberals, too afraid to take to the challenge, in fear of reprisals from voters were over shadowed by one future voter who rose to the challenge and lashed out.

The Harpoville Post has learned that at a Harpo media soft sell photo shoot one angry baby lunged at the Prime Minister while screaming "$5.00 a day you cheap prick." Harpo afraid for his life dropped the infant and fled the room in tears. The Prime Minister bodyguards were, at first, stunded by the attack and slow to react but, eventually moved in, pouncing, subduing and arresting the attacker.

"Terrorists, 9/11, 9/11, terrorists"

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Prime Ministers office is treating this incident as a terrorists attack. As of yet there is no informantion on whether the child is of Taliban desent but Lack-of Defense Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, told The Harpoville Post, "We know the enemy is everywhere and has spies and insurgents working to further their terrorist actitivites so, we must be on guard to guard against any attack no matter how small that attack or attacker may be."

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Troops Asked to Kill Less Civilians

The Harpoville Post has learned that Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai has made a plea for American, Canadian and British troops to try and kill less innocent civilians while visiting his country. With the news of a massive attack on the Taiban insurgents comes word that so called 'friendly fire' has killed more good than bad.

The Harpoville Post has learned that 2500 coalition troops launched into a massive battle near the Pakistan border in the town of Kunar. The military have no idea how many insurgents were killed in the battle but, they do know more than a dozen locals were wiped out by what the troops call 'friendly fire'. This is the second incident in as many days where coalition troops have come under question on who they are really doing battle with and the number of innocent civilians who just happen to be at the wrong place and at the wrong time.

The Harpoville Post reports that President Karzai says he appreciates all the help in dealing with the Taliban but, remindes the coalition that it'll be pretty crummy country to be President of if you kill all the innocent civilians you're here to help.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Toronto to Inventory Their Homeless

"Toronto plans to count homeless because they don't know what else to do with them"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's largest city, Toronto, plans to spend this Wednesday inventorying their homeless. Toronto's City Hall has decided it needs to know how many homeless they really have so, they've decided to spend $1oo,000 senting teams of counters out onto the streets to count them.

The Harpoville Post spoke to a representitive of Toronto's City Hall who told us, "Well, for starters we know there's a lot of them. I mean you walk into work in the morning and they're all over the sidewalk, you have to be so quite in case you wake them up. Then once they're up it's have ya got a quarter and hey buddy I need some food. We know we've got a lot of them around here but we don't know for sure just how many so, we've decided to count them. I guess it's just something else we can spend money on." We asked if they'll be tagged once counted so they aren't counted twice and he said, "I'm not sure but that's a very good idea. Do you mind if I say it's mine?"

The Harpoville Post reports that in Canada's most expensive city the homeless problem has been ballooning out of control with Government welfare cut backs and climbing rents and utility costs rising so high people have to move out of their homes and live out on the street. The cities food banks and shelters are max'd to the limit with no end in site. They survive on private and corporate donations plus volunteers who offer their time to help the needy.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Beric German from the Toronto Disaster Relief Committee who told us, "This is just a public relations event for the city of Toronto. They already know we have thousand and thousands of homeless, probably hundreds of thousands who rely on the food banks and shelters to live. Shit, I rather they give us the 100,000 dollars they plan to spend on this stupid inventory and guess."

Gun Loving Voters up in Arms

"Canadian Conservatives Circle their Wagons"

The Harpoville Post reports that the new Conservative Governments gun loving voter base are up in arms over how their party seems to be dragging their ass over scrapping the gun registry law.

"He said he'd do it if we voted for him what the hell's he waiting for"

The Harpoville Post has learned to help get elected into office Harpo's Conservatives promised the gun loving rural voters that they'd do away with Canada's $60. a year gun registry law. The registry makes it easier to follow a fire arm once it is sold, lost or stolen. It seems the rural voters think too much of a bother to be responsible gun owners and they can't understand why it has taken the government so long to act in their interests.

"With gun violence on the rise in Canada gun owners are angry about gun restrictions"

The Harpoville Post spoke to the Lack-of-Safety Minister Stockwell Day who said, "It's the right for all Canadians to own guns, well, not really, and we believe the owners of these guns are our voter base and since this is what they want us to do, even though the police and statics show that registering guns is safer for all Canadian's, we have to look after our rural voters cause they're the reason we're in power, well not really in power, because we have a minority government which means we really can't do anything like scrap a law without causing such a reversal of fortunes that it would mean the end of this here Conservative Government."

"Guns don't kill people, people with guns kill people."

The Harpoville Post has learned that since the law has been in place over 1300 licenses have been refused to guns owners in Canada. Due to background checks 653 new applications have been refused due to public safety, 634 have been revolked by dangerous individuals who would now be in possion of firearms had this law not been on the books and if the Conservatives get their way these people, which I'm sure all voted for Stephen Harper and the Conservatives in the last election, will own guns.

The Harpoville Post has learned that recently 1200 guns were turned into police in Hamilton Ontario. The guns were distroyed by police an item missed or ignored by Canada's major news sources. This news has saddened David Thomlinson, who is head of Canada's, Edmonton based National Firearms Association, Canada's answer to America's NRA and author of the poorly sold book No Gun Left Behind. Mr. Thomlinson has tried to calm the angry gun touting Conservatives who are so anxious to kill the registry law he feels, if they don't get their way, they may turn their sights on a much easier political target.

"Here's Hoping"

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