Thursday, August 31, 2006

Alberta Looks For Killer of Cancer Patient

"Just don't blame the Alberta Government for the funding cuts to Canada's richest provinces hospitals"

The Harpoville Post reports that the death of a cancer patient in Alberta is being probed by the same medical community that administers Alberta's health care. The patient, a woman with severe cancer was allowed to return home to her family with a hospital I.V. that would feed her pain medication once every four hours over four days. The machine broke down and fed the woman all her pain medication in four hours, killing quickly in front of her family, now the Alberta Government wants to assure everyone in that provience that this accident had nothing to do with the millions the Klein Government had removed from Alberta's health care industry over the years and has set a Government run inquire to ensure they are not blamed for the woman's death.

The Harpoville Post has learned that as Alberta beats the drum anouncing record earnings through the growth in gas revenus in that province making it the richest province in Canada they have also been cutting back on health care makeing the wait times longer and longer and the push to privatized medicine quicker and quicker. As Big Daddy Klein slowly slids from his throne today it would be fitting to leave him something hanging on his line to soon wash up in his wake.

Canada Rebuilds Afghanistan With Military

"If we just had more guns to help the poor rebuild Afghanistan"

The Harpoville Post reports Canada's message to the devistated war torn country of Afghanistan is "We're going to help you with more of the same Canadian military might." Lack of Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, made a suprise visit to Canadian troops in Afghanistan this week to figure out why civilian deaths and friendly fire incidents have sky rocketed over the month of August. Some have suggested mounting pressure to get the ill trained troops into Afghanistan is causing the increase in military error that is now plaguing the Conservative backed war in Afghanistan.

The Harpoville Post has learned that O'Connor's planned meet and greet with the troops didn't go as well as he had planned when some of the questions asked of the Lack of Defence Minister went unanswered. When one soldier asked; >"Do we have the support of Canadian public while here in Afghanistan?" And O'Connor answered; "We only listen to the military lobbists and read the carefully constructed Conservative polls." When another soldier asked; "What do the pools say and when do you think we'll be heading home from all this?" O'Connor answered; "We don't listen to the polls but, if we did they would say good things, real good things. And to answer your second question please consult your selected passage special issued military bibles for that answer."

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

So You Went To Yale Too

"But, what have you done for me lately?"

The Harpoville Post reports that a Canadian University took their message to the streets to promote their brand of furthering education and it may just return to bite them on the ass. Thunder Bay's Lakehead University decided it's tired of coming in last behind Brandon's 'Maiden Head' University and Simcoe's 'Old Nob U.' in the long list of Canadian Universities not to consider attending that they hired a big time Toronto Ad agency to come up with a catchy slogan to reel in this years batch of the great unwashed. But, it seems their choice subject of folly doesn't find it so funny.

The Harpoville Post has learned the Ad campaign which denotes a picture of US President G.W. Bush and a caption reading Yale Schmale is finding mixed reviews even before it hits it's intended market. Some of Toronto's potential University students either have no idea where Thunder Bay is or have just moved to Toronto from that region and have no intention on returning.

The Harpoville Post reports that the University of Toronto ranked number one across Canada for their University logo that goes;

"It's not where you go it's who you blow"

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Military Lets Kids Play With Real Guns at The Fair

"Military tells kids 'guns are fun' at the Toronto CNE then sends them back out onto the street"

The Harpoville Post reports with more and more Canadian's soldiers returning home from the war in Afghanistan in wheelchairs and in boxes comes word on how the Conservative Government is planning to refill those empty spaces. On the wake of the killing of a 10 year old child by shooting first his 17 year old brother comes word that Canada's fighting edge is a little too fidgity with the report of todays "opps" mistaken kill. Reports of frighten Canadian soldiers shooting first and asking questions later are becoming too common place with todays take down of an Afghanistan Police officer and his men. The officer was killed and six of his men wounded when Canadian troops opened fire on their Afghani truck.

The Harpoville Post has learned no Canadians were killed or injured in todays mishap because no Canadians were fired upon in the 'no-so-friendly fire' incident. But, news also comes from Canada's miltary is working extra hard to beef up the slowly depleting military rants and is taking their message that 'War is fun and here to stay' to Toronto's CNE yearly fair to lure Canadian children into the life of playing with real guns in Canada's war and on Canadian streets. The militaries mixed up message that 'Guns are Fun' is confusing considering the the rise in gun violence on the streets of Canadian cities.

The Harpoville Post wonders whether the Canadian military and our Conservative Government is doing any pre-planning in recruiting and training for the many years of war their alliance with G.W. Bush will have in store for Canada and Canadians. With near 30 dead and untold wounded these questions should be addressed now before it continues to be too late.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Hitler's Cross Coming to a Neighborhood Near You

"With the name Hilter on the lable, you know good eats are on the table"

The Harpoville Post reports that a new restaurant in India is packing them in and having them coming back for more. Hilter's Cross, located in Mumbai India, opened to rave reviews but, not with the kosher set who have been up in arms ever since the restaurant opened last week. But, since there are only 5,000 Jews in all of India nobodies really taking much notice.

The Harpoville Post has learned that in North America the Jews may run the film industry but in India it's Hindu all the way baby and they love the idea of Hilter's Cross. Then the restaurants owner Puneet Sablok was first approached about changing the name to the salad and pizza hotspot he refused and came under fire from the moderatly small Jewish community in this country of over 1 Billion Hindu's. "This is an outrage", said Elijah Jacob, "how can the man responsible for the death of 6 million Jew's be glorified by having a restaurant named after him? And with take out no less." Mr. Sablok replied, "everybody likes the name, Hilter's Cross for a while we were going to call it Adolph's Grill that would've really pissed him off. If Mr. Jacob doesn't like it he doesn't have to come inside, he doesn't even have to walk down the street. There are plenty of other restaurants and other streets to walk down in India, believe me. And he complains about me using the swastika as a logo, this has been a ancient symbol for good luck in India forever. Whatever! I just wonder what's Jacob going to say when I hang out the sign saying '6 Million Served', this is India I can do those numbers in 6 weeks. I just hope he doesn't find out I've got a Lebanese cook."

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Only Four Countries Consider Hezbollah Terrorists

"Crazed Conservative leaves Liberal MP hanging like some Strange Fruit"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Liberal Party has cut and run leaving MP Boris Wrzesnewshyj hanging from a hanging tree like some Strange Fruit. As dawn rose in the East the Liberal party was stampeding to the right and as far away as humanly possible from their fellow MP's comments made yesterday in a fit of rage after witnessing and reporting the distruction of Lebanon by the bombs of Israel. Wresnewshyj's comments came under fire from the Conservative party's neo-wing calling for his head long before any other hands were raised in protest.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Wresnewshyj's comment that Canada should reconsider labeling Lebanon's democratically elected Hezbollah party a terrorists and should reopen talks with the organization. These words alone were enough to send neo-conservatives into a foamy mouthed media frenzy calling for his head and an end to open opinion in Canada. Neo-conservative J. Kenny had this to say to the Harpoville Post; "9/11, terrorists, 9/11 we'll all be killed. What kind of country would we conservatives have if we had people like these, these lieing liberials and their terrorist friends running Canada. Is that what you want? 9/11, terrorists, terrorists 9/11. It's talk like this that has fagots getting married and babies being ripped from their mothers bellies. What's next freedom of speech?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada is only one of four counties in the world that consider Hezbollah a terrorist organization, the other three being the United States, Israel and the Netherlands. The truth that Britian and Australia are the only two other countries in the world who consider only one external wing of the Hezbollah Party terrorists makes one reconsider exactly what sliding fishy scale the Conservatives judge other countries and their cultures by?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Liberal M.P. Deny's Hezbollah Comment

"What I said was if Hezbollah is on the terrorist list why isn't Israel?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's fact finding mission into war torn Lebanon is coming under fire for reporting the facts. The group of three Canadian elected M.P.'s, none of them Conservative, are shocked by the distruction leveled by Israel as everyday more and more dead innocent civilians are being pulled from under demolished buildings.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Israel's idea of cease fire is continued shelling in southern Lebanon and the Canadian contingent are now being criticized in the press for what the press refuses to report. Liberal M.P. Borys Wrzesnewskyj was misquoted in todays press for saying Hezbollah should be removed from Canada's Terrorists list but, what he really said was; "If Hezbollah is on the Terrorists list can't we make room on that list for Israel, I think we've witnessed enough evidence for that." The Conservative Television Network, CTV, was first to denounce the M.P. for speaking his mind and commenting on the terrorism war waged by Israel in Lebanon and Palestine.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Western press has refused to report the terrorist attacks Israel has been party to for many years in the region. This war was started with Israel wanting two Israeli soldiers released but, was an act of retaliation for a doctor and his son Israel had kidnapped from Palestine weeks before. The Western press refused to research and report years of terrorist activity Israel has instilled into the region by their acts of cutting off fresh water and electricity to the people of Palestine. Now the Canadian press, like the Americians, owned and operated by Jewish supporters of Conservative rule, are dictating what news is fit to print and chastising the Liberals are being too god-dame liberal about what they say. It is just a matter of time that here in Canada like the United States the word liberal will be reduced to a four letter word.

Monday, August 21, 2006

G.M. Returns Gas Guzzling Camaro

"Just in time for higher prices at the pumps"

The Harpoville Post reports that General Motors has decided to fight the rise at the gas pumps with the return of the gas guzzling Camaro. "G.M. meteroric descent into bankruptcy is no reason to start thinking clearly now," said one fat, over-paid G.M. CEO who was on hand to announce General Motors return to the muscle car market. Ford who has been out selling, or should we say, out giving away cars with no money down and no interest leases of they're return to the muscle car market in the Ford Mustang has left G.M. deciding to cash their remaining chips in on a sure thing 'car buyer stupidity'.

The Harpoville Post has learned that G.M. will start building the Canadian made over-powered, rear wheel drive, pass anything on the road except a gas station monster in Oshawa Ontario just in time for higher prices at the pumps and new laws cracking down on street racers. The Conservative Government has announced they will start leveling greater fines against young crazed drivers of these muscle cars that have been the cause of untold damage and deaths on Canadian roads for years. But, why allow these cars to be built in the first place and to announce them with such fan fair leaves one wondering is anyone in General Motors paying attention let alone earning their keep? The company just announced a 3.2 Billion dollar loss in their last quarter now with this plan to return to the muscle car market, G.M. is sure to double those numbers in the months and years to come.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Conservatives Lack of Aids Concern Misunderstanding

"They acted like a bunch of sick people"

The Harpoville Post reports that Minister for the Unhealthy Tony Clement is complaining to the 'lying weak kneed Liberal press' about why they failed to get the respect and admiration for all the hard work the Harpo Conservative Government has done to help spread Aids. Mr. Clement complained that the people at the Aids Converence were not awear at what the Harpo Government has done to help promote Aids in Canada and throughout the world.

The Harpoville Post has learned that The Unhealth Minister felt slighted by the anger of the "mostly homo's", as he called them at last weeks Aids International Converence held in Toronto and attended by only one lone little Conservative party member, Mister Clement himself. Mr. Clement had this to say; "Those people have no idea what this Conservative Government has done to help promote the cause to help spread the word that Aids is here to stay and you'd better just get use to it." The Very Unhealthy Minister, who was booed every time he tried to mount the podium to sing the Tory Aids chant; "Aids are for queers, give us a cheer", was suprised when the Harpoville Post had to remind the Minister of Unhealth that the Aids Conference was in Toronto to help stop the spread of Aids not promote it, and he said, "O'really....... well now I can understand why those fagots were piss'd off then."

Friday, August 18, 2006

Charles McVety Would Make a Good Nazi

"Someone check this Cracker's closet for a white robe and a swastika"

The Harpoville Post reports Christian Nazi zealot(could you imagine such a thing) Charles McVety is working overtime to destory any resemblance of free speech in Canada's Conservative party. Not, that there was alot to begin with now Harpo has ripped out the camera and microphones from the House of commons, tapped the mouths shut of all his MP's, that is except Garth Turner, who he's now hung out to dry with the cry of "Bring Me The Head Of Garth Turner" and Charles McVety, his favorite Christian bulldog has stepped up to the plate to do his bidding.

The Harpoville Post has learned McVety, the Aryan son of a goose stepper, is spending untold amounts of $$$ to see his master Harpo's wish comes true by flying about the country sliming onto any Conservative talk radio he can slither into, located mostly in the West, in an attempt to denounce the "homo lovin' Turner" as he likes to refer to him as. It seems McVety is having no trouble filling his radio dance card full of like minded Conservative redneck hillbillies ready to recite from only selected verses of the good book while skipping past the ones that suggest "loving thy neighbour". With McVety around one wonders how the hell those verses ever got into there and how long before they are removed from the new King Charles McVety Version of the unholy Bible that will be available real soon in a 'all true' Christian Conservative entrapment riding near you.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

An American Crime of Passion

"We were deeply in love and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together"

The Harpoville Post reports that police finally got around to arresting a suspect in the 10 year old Jonbenet Ramsey murder. Quick thinking Boulder Co. police finally issued an arrest warrant for 41 year old John Mark Karr and had him picked up at his Bangkok prostitution apartment on Wednesday. Karr immediately confessed to the crime declairing it was an accident and a crime of passion that went horribly wrong.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Karr has felt remose and has wanted to confess to raping and brutally killing the 6 year old love of his life for ten years but, never could find the time while living in Thailand and taking full advantage of that country's lax child prostitution laws. Although Karr has made frequent trips back to the states the Boulder police never thought about picking him up for questioning even though he was a prime suspect, along with the Ramsey family and everyone else in the mile high city of Boulder Co.

The Harpoville Post reports that although Karr has confessed to the killing it will still rest upon the police and the prosecution in Boulder to prove they're case. It is suspected that soon there will be computer generated images of what Jonbenet would look like today at 16 years of age had she not been burtialy raped and murdered in her own home while her parents slept peacefully in their beds. It is suspected that had she lived her parents would have continued to schlep poor Jonbenet around America to these ridicules childrens fashion shows pretending little girls are woman to the delight of pedophiles who continue to host and attend these events where John Mark Karr frequented and where he met the love of his life.

Turner A Casuality of McVety's Christian Right

"We'll nail Turner to the cross if he tries go against our and God's conservative will"

The Harpoville Post reports that rebel Conservative Garth Turner is fighting for his political life as Charles McVety is vowing to use God's goose stepping ways to make sure Turner never runs for public office again. It seems Garth as got on the bad side of the Christian fundalmentalist you has decided that Garth isn't conservative enough for his ultra Conservative Troy party.

The Harpoville Post has learned the very wealthy, gay hating, McVety has decided to pull out all the dirty tricks he can muster to distroy Turner's political career for good. McVety has let it be know that any Conservative that tries to defy the will of McVety will feel the rath of god and see an end to their political career.

The Harpoville Post reports that most Conservative M.P.'s are scared shitless of McVety and his Christian henchmen who will do any thing to distroy anyone who defies their will. No decent Conservative members have stood up to denounce McVety or stand beside Garth Turner so far and they seem to have decided their spinless Christian souls are best served with a regular pay check.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

As More Canadians Die In Afghanistan

"Less kids sign up in Canada"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Canadian military recruitment for the war in Afghanistan is sliding into a big hole, a six foot deep hole. As the family of Canadian, #26 to die in Afghanistan, is lowered into his early grave leaving his wife and family to morn his loss General Rick Hiller announces there'll be alot more war from were he came from for a hell-of-alot longer.

The Harpoville Post has learned that although General Hilter's, I mean Hiller's, deisre to take a two year commitment in Afghanistan and stretch it out to five years has not been passed in Parliament the way to Canadians to see it his way is getting harder and harder. The Military is not having much luck luring young Canadian's away from their X-Box and minimum wage jobs at Walmart or Tim Horton's for a life of adventure and risk of death in a far off desert. And as the body count mounts, seven soldiers this month so far, it's looking like it will be impossible to recruit the desired 13,000 young people the new Conservative Government plans to send into war with little training in the very near future and for many years to come.

Israeli Implants Saves Lives in Israel

"Her double D's detonate bomb before real damage done"

The Harpoville Post reports that one womans vain attempt at male admiration has saved the lives of many as her breasts proved to be the all the protection the Israeli woman needed. The Israeli woman was out shopping when a rocket destine for distruction in Israel landed between her ample bosum and did not explode.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the womans ample heroism was so noted and now many Israeli woman are rushing out and having breast augmentation to insure Israeli safety in the future. It has been reported that the Israel Government has offered to pay for breast implants to boost the war effort and insure continued civilian safety in this war and all the other wars to follow.

Harper Doesn't Want a Second Opinion

"We've decided Israel has the right to distroy a country and kill 1000 Muslims and that's it"

The Harpoville Post reports that at the last minute the Conservative party has decided not to allow a Conservative member to go to Lebanon with an all Canadian fact finding mission. The reason for the last minute change of plan is not clear with too many different explanations coming out of the P.M.'s office.

The Harpoville Post has learned that word has leaked to Harpo's office of how bad the distruction leveled apon Lebanon by Israel is that it is not safe to sent anyone to. Tory Dean Del Mastro was all set to leave yesterday when he got the call from Hapo's office to abort, abort. Del Mastro first blamed his wife for not letting him go now the P.M.'s office states that it's not safe to have such an important member of 'Team Tory' out of the country reporting about how bad it is in Lebanon while the Prime Minister is trying so hard to suck up to the Canadian Lebanese community.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Liberal, NDP and Block party M.P.'s have shown up for duty on Tuesday and traveled to Lebanon to report on conditions in that war ravaged country. Since this Canadian delegation will not be visiting Israel we wonder whether those findings will ever be allowed to be made public.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Dell Computers Tank, Stock To Follow

"I guess years of selling cheap computers has finally caught up with us"

The Harpoville Post reports that home delivery computer giant Dell has recalled 4.1 Million Sony notebook computers because they've been burning up on customers laps. A Dell spokesperson refused to say wether they're recalling 4 Million 100,000 computers or 4 Million and one computer. The recall dates back to computers purchased from the company from April of 2004 the July 18 2006, but a few weeks ago. Though no word from Sony if this recall is for similar Sony notebooks purchased at the Sony Store.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Dell spokesperson Dell Donaldson about the recall and he had this to say, "It seems the batteries in the Sony Notebooks aren't up to our high Dell quality standards and will, for no apparent reason, burst into flames taking the owner with it. All the 4 Million plus owners of these computers have to do is ship it back to us UPS and we will replace those defaulty batteries Sony puts in Dell computers so we can sell them cheaper. If your computer is less than 90 days old Dell will pay for all UPS charges, which can be pretty costly because most Dell customers usually live in the middle of nowhere. But, we are asking our loyal customers to call our 1-800-Dell service line where a trusted Dell employee is patiently standing by, between the hours of 9 and 3pm Malaysian time, to take the millions and millions of expected calls from understandably irate but, loyal Dell customers."

Monday, August 14, 2006

Homophobic Harper Heads for the Hinter Land

"Harper makes himself scarce when AIDS Converence rolls into town"

The Harpoville Post reports that the 2006 World AIDS Converence opened its week long meeting in Toronto without, for the first time in history, the politicial representive of that hosting country showing up. The Prime Minister's handlers thought it would be a good time to get the obvious 'gay' frightened Harpo out of town, 'somewhere nice, safe and far away' they thought, "I know someone suggested, how about the North Pole". So, it seems they bundled up the P.M. for that long, long flight north of everything inhabitable and only two hundred miles from the north pole, Alert.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Prime Minister started, the unanounced northern visit, on Saturday the day before the AIDS Conference was to start, by jetting into Nunavut. There among a few Iqaluit, who were only at the airport to fly to Toronto for the AIDS Conference, Harpo pressed the flesh and promised more guns to protect the north from Terrorists and Muslims. The Premier of Nunavut, Paul Okalik replied to Harpo that the north didn't need guns to protect themselves from the Muslim terrorists because most of the Muslims were in the greater Toronto area and that maybe that's where he should go. At that point Harpo's advisers told Mr. Okalik that Toronto was full of 'gay' people and aids sympathizers and it wasn't safe to go there. They then boarded the plane and flew further north to Alert there they were welcomed by psychotic military personal, wolves and carnivorous rabbits. "No gays here," Harpo's handlers were overheard saying.

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo plans to spend the rest of this week far away from civilization and prying reporters in Yellowknife and Whitehorse, though the Prime Minister flys home to Ottawa every evening to sleep in his own bed a mere one hour flight from Toronto.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Are We Fucking There Yet?

"The constant changing world has a sliding scale of sanity and safety"

The Harpoville Post

"Is what we see, what we get?"

The Harpoville Post askes a simple enough question; "Are we there yet?" It seems a simple enough question because in a rational world we just look out the window and see but, that's not the case. Why? Because we don't live in a rational world. It's within a month of celebrating 9/11, is celebrating the wrong word? Though some conspiracy theorist will see it as a reason for celibration. These are the people who look behind the curtains and see that we may not be any safer and any more secure than pre 9/11 but, the Wizard behind the curtains certainly is.

The Harpoville Post wonders why five years after 9/11 we're in a much worse state than ever before. America spends Billions and Billions on security just to have Britian squash the biggest terrorist plan of all time. One that would have left 9/11 being refered to as the one before. Though, as now being suggested this will only leave us in the West feeling more like prisoners and alot less safe. In Canada we have a Conservative Government that feels everyone else's desire is their desire, unless your poor with aids and with any environmental concerns. It seems now everyone else's fear is their fear so, unless your fear is war and expanding government, we're putting Billions and Billions of dollars into the military to, in the end, it's guarantied not to leave us feeling any safer. All the guns, tanks, planes and troops could not stop 9/11 and they will have little effect on the next big one whatever it is.

So, why spend all the money when in the end it will not do a god dame thing to stop it?

Is there an answer? No. Will there ever be a conclusion? No. The only answer and conclusion is to get arrested and end up in jail, at least you'll get three squares a day, because at the present rate we can't afford foor because of gas prices and jail is were we will all end up whether we like it or believe it. The airports will take so long to get through people will stop flying. The borders will soon close up and the punters, you and I, will have to live in that world, whether we like it believe it or not.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Harper's Ethnic Ass Kissing Dance Craze

"Are you ethnic?"

"Would like the Prime Minister to come to your wedding, your briss, your picnic, your barbeque or any of the other things you ethnic people do?"

"Well, just call the Conservative Party right away and book the Prime Minister of Canada to your next ethnic whatever."

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Prime Minister has decided to pull out all the stops for the ethnic love Harpo so sadly lacks. The P.M.'s office is busy booking Harpo two shows a day right through Labor Day at any and all ethnic summer events across Canada. It seems the poll numbers are in for last months grab for the Jew Gold, by siding with Israel in it's distruction of Lebanon, which left all of Canada's other ethnic voters feeling left out so, the P.M.'s office is working over time to rectify Harpo's image.

The Harpoville Post has learned that not everybody in Canada's ethnic voter list is falling for the Prime Ministers obvious need for acceptance and are speaking out on it. Alberta's White Supremists, who have always felt they were minorites in Canada ethnic mosaic are speaking out about being purposely left off the Prime Ministers Summer party list. The Harpoville Post spoke to Clem Harper, a white supremist from Calgary who had this to say; "What the hell is going on here? I'm a god dame tax payer and a card carrying Conservative why the hell doesn't Harpo show up at our annual rally and cross burning pinic. He's been here every other year now he decides were not good enough and he wants to party with them and he knows they're not allowed in our party."

The Harpoville Post reports although Harpo is working overtime to smooth the ruffled feathers of the ethnic voter the Conservative party's own neo-conservative wing is working equally as hard to ruffle those feathers back up. In a recent posting of 'that wing' of the Conservative party website Free Dominion it said; "We need to do two things, 1) Cut Canada's immigration numbers drastically. 2) Make major changes to the countries we take immigrants from. Enough with the terrorists, the socialists and the citizens of convenience."

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Charles McVety Cash$ in on Muslim Misery

"Its time we stood shoulder to shoulder with Israel as they lay waste to Lebanon"

The Harpoville Post reports extreme evangelist Charles McVety, one of the wealthiest bible thumpers to mosey on up to the cross, is throwing his big Christian weight behind Israel and wants all Christians to forget love and compassion for their fellow human beings and to get behind the distruction of Muslims in Lebanon. Charles McVety, the man behind Prime Minister Harpo's attempt to soon reopen Canada's gay marriage and abortion laws, is crawling out of the closet on the back of Jewi$h support for the continued destruction on Lebanon.

"Charlie does is bit for the Holy War"

The Harpoville Post has learned that another organization run by Charles McVety and financed by Jewish $$$ and named, of all things, Christians United For Israel, or CUFI, are trying to suppress the rights of Muslim Canadians to stand up and protest on the streets of Canada in support for Lebanon and the thousands of injured or dead woman and children plus the distruction and environmental damage being done to that country. CUFI is trying hard to lobby Ottawa and get McVety's best friend Stephen Harper, who McVety delivered the Christian vote to in the last federal election, to stop these Muslim terrorists, as they call them, from having any free speech on the streets of free speaking Canada.

The Harpoville Post reports that McVety says; "It's time for Christians to drop their neutral stance and stand for the birthplace of our/their religion."

Canada's Top Car Tunes Breakdown

1) Summer of 69: Brian Adams 1980's hit which was not about Brian's life but, the life of his songwriting partner, Brian was about 8 years old in 1969, is the favorite of Albertian drivers born after 1975, they have 2.2 kids, 2.2 cars, 2.2 morgages, 2.2 wifes, 2.2 TV's, computers and cell phones and masturbate 2.2 times a day and dream of retirment in the summer 2069.

2)Bohemian Rhaosody: This early 70's operatic trainwreck has more bridges than New York City and stops and starts than Liz Taylor's heart, is the favorite of the still cozy in the closet gay men who earn well over $100,000 a year drive a 10 year old North American car, wear old suits and sensible shoes and their wives have no idea why.

3) Born to be Wild: The epic late 60's motorcycle song that was made famous in the film Easy Rider, was most favored by overweight, married, middle aged men who dye what little hair they have left, still fantasize about doing their grade four teacher who would be about 80 years old now and deeply dependant on depends and they still buy Hot-Rod Car magazine and dream about that special car that they will never be able to afford.

4) It's Only Rock and Roll: This 1960's Rolling Stones chestnut which will one day be credited for paying for a Heart and Lung transplant for guitarist Keith Richards is the favorite song of middle aged rocker moms who race from one dollar store to the next dollar store while touching up their eye liner and admiring their home dye job in the rear view mirror of their 15 year old North American Mini Van which is still not paid for.

5) Drive My Car: This 1960's Beatles ode to being rich, which may one day be credited to buying Heather Mills a new prosthetic is a favorite of D.I.N.K.S. (double income no kids) who have $400,000 dollar homes in the suburbs, have their kitchens redone every six months, are border line alcoholic, as can be attested by their weekly curb side blue box donations, they have enough RRSP's to finance a small Caribbian country but, still don't have enough to guaranteeing their asses will be wiped throughout eternity, they can't remember the last time they had sex with their spouse and their cars always arrive by boat.

6) Free Falling: Tom Petty's 1980's, the only other song to breech the 80's is a favorite of aging, pot smoking weekend rockers who hate corperations but, work for one, hate the suburbs but, live in them, sing this song at the top of their lungs until stuck at a light, hate they're ex-wife but, live with somebody elses and they lease.

7) Radar Love: Golden Earings 1970's ode to 'not getting any', because they're always talking about it, is most favored by both senior and middle management commuters who all married their bosses sisters or daughters who will most likely die heading for or moving away from the dinner table and they own very expensive vintage automobiles that is either in the shop, in need of going to the shop or broken down somewhere along the road playing this song.

Harper Slides One Past The Goalie

"And says Fuck You Canada"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Prime Minister has used the 'national security' clause to pass out 8 Billion dollars to the friends and former bosses of Lack Of Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor. Since no bidding was done on the military contracts the Tory's have decided against all honesty and hand the $$$ out the back door with no questions asked.

The Haropoville Post has learned that in 1994 the Agreement of Internal Trade was signed into law to stop this type of backroom bargaining and this is the first time a Government in power has used this back door tactic to slip the puck past the goalie and skirt the law. The Harpo Governments decission to push it through while Parliament is in recess for the summer leaves questions of true intensions un-asked and conveniently ignored.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Harper Without One Muslim Tory to Talk To

"Harper sees the Muslim vote sailing away as T-shirt sales slump in Ontario and Quebec"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo feels between a rock and sliding opinion poll as he reachs once again into the Liberal mailbag for releaf. With anger coming from all sides Harpo feels like a fool for siding with G.W. and Israel as the one month mark inches closer and the Muslim body count climbs higher and higher in the new Middle East war.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Harpo Government has decided to send four mealy MP's, men who think the traffic around Toronto is insane, to review for him the new Israeli Lebanon war, before he once again returns to siding with G.W. and Israel. Word also has it that Harpo, so unsure what to do next, has decided to seek understanding and guidance from a Muslim Liberal MP from Mississauga since the new all white Tory Government forgot to slip at least one Muslim into the Conservative Party ranks during the last election.

"Tisk, tisk, tisk."

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Stephen Harper's Softwood On The Table

"He's just not getting the help he needs"

The Harpoville Post reports Prime Minister Harpo is pleading with the Canadian Softwood Industry to come to his defence as he sees the Canadian American Softwood solution going south and getting limper by the day. The industry has voiced their constant disapproval of the Harpo Government's desire to give 1.2 Billion dollars, of their money, to American lawyers for their failed attempt at keeping it all. With the writting on the wall that this 'boat don't float' Harpo is for-seeing his mighty Zepplin in flames.

"O' the humility"

The Harpoville Post has learned this last minute plea by the Prime Minister to raise some much needed extra cash and face seems almost unfitting even for a minority elected Canadian leader. News now released from Canada's Minister of Rough Trade, Dave Emerson is that if the softwood industry walks away now their completely on thier own. So, why have a Rough Trade Minister in the first place if he doesn't support the wishes of a Canadian industry, is the question being asked. Every governing legal body that has reviewed the softwood case between Canada and America has come away saying Canada is taking a 2X4 in the rear on this one and America owes them all of the 5.2 Billion dollars plus an apology to Canada and the American builders and new home owners who have been getting over charged for years. Now the industry knows it and they're telling the Harpo Government they'll take nothing less.

American Democracy Leads to Democrazy

"U.S. has a hard time in its civil commitment"

The Harpoville Post reports that America's desire for Democracy in the Middle East is turning Democrazy and is a complete and total failure and should be aborted right away. In only three short years G.W. Bush has distroyed one of the more stable, if slightly bend, governments in the Middle East by trying to achive what it thinks is normal. Well, if that is really the case, then they've succeeded.

The Harpoville Post has learned the daily carnage seeping from Iraq has reached such heights that America's own Generals are calling it what it is a Civil War. But, with the congressional elections only months away G.W. Bush is having a hell of a time committing to the "C" word, which leaves more and more American troops in the unlucky position of trying to stay alive in Iraq. Though, G.W. got one lucky break last month when Israel started another war with Lebanon to help divert attention from Iraq but, now that's turning up the heat under Syria and Iran two big time players who have been very, very patient up to this point but, won't stay that way for long.

The Harpoville Post reports that W.W. 3 has broke out in the Middle East where three separate wars are raging there now everyday, Iraq(Bush/Blair), Afganistan(Harper/Bush/Blair), and Lebanon(Israel/bush). Sounds like W.W.3 to me. Now with the United Nations, backed by the U.S. and France calling for a ceasefire, near a month too late, Hezbollah isn't interested, because it would allow Israel to stay in Lebanon and continue its ethnic cleansing. So, they returned the call by fireing 80 rockets into Israel. Israel decided to return that call by blowing up a truck carring humanitarian aid to civilians and kill another 40 civilians in air strikes. There's that "C" word again.

"And the beat goes on, on, on, on, on and the beat goes on"

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Hollywood Jews for Jesus and Mel Gibson

"Line up to support Crazy Mel with endorsment contracts and script options"

The Harpoville Post
Weekend Entertainment

With the whole worlds going heading to Beruit in a hand basket it's only fitting Crazy Mel Gibson is accepting reservations for his reserection. Hollywood mover and want-to-be shakers are lining up in droves to support Crazy Mel in the wake of his Tequila fueled anti-semitic tyrant he bestowed on two of L.A.'s finest Hebrew traffic cops who made the mistake of pulling over Crazy Mel for drunk driving. Two charges of being a Mister Meaner have been leveled at Crazy Mel but, what has been most damaging is Crazy Mel's impromtu theatrical delivery of Mein Kampf that has most of the industry ducking and running for cover.

Last weeks incident has left Crazy Mel booked for rehad and desperate to rebuild his 'mister nice-guy' Hollywood image which some say may have fallen further than even the suspected gross of next years release of Passion2 can prompt up. Though word has it that Crazy Mel may be about to turn his Lemon aid stand into another big franchise with word Mel's on the lookout for a new partner for his latest buddy-in-crime flic. Crazy Mel's been on the blower from everbody from Mel Brooks to Woody Allen is seach or someone, other than Tequila, to team up with to get him up and running, once out of rehab.

The Harpoville Post has learned the scoop on Mel's new hit film has Mel and a, yet unnamed, Jewish sidekick palling around German during W.W.2 when they stumble across Auschwitz, end up in the wrong line, get locked up and that's when the fun ensues. They then free all the prisoners but, don't know what to do with them. Crazy Mel just might hit another homerun with this baby, say some of his Jewish supporters and it may just get Crazy Mel that A+ rating he's looking for from the Anti Defamation League.

"Good Luck Crazy Mel"

Friday, August 04, 2006

Israel Kills Christians For Muslim Support

"Israeli bombs heading to north Lebanon and Christian country"

The Harpoville Post reports as Israel turns up the heat and increases their bombing runs on Lebanese Christians are now being tarketed. Stating that maybe Hezbollah may be hiding in North Lebanon which is mostly Christian based Israel is not taking any chances and bombing the area anyway.

The Harpoville Post has learned that word from Hezbollah is that they're giving Israel time to re-think their carpet bombing stratgy before they unleash their rockets into the heavly populated city of Tel Aviv. Even Hezbollah knows this is not what Israel wants, or is it? With Israel sitting under, much deserved, unfavorable light right now maybe a few thousand dead Jews will give them the pity and world support their ethnic cleansing campaign is sadly lacking. And what prey-tell will the Conservative Christian West say about piles of dead Christians in Lebanon? Knowing Conservative Christians they'll find some way to justify it.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

New Poll Sees Conservative Ship Sinking

"Harper toots his own horn while his love for G.W. Bush drags him down"

The Harpoville Post reports that a new poll shows Harpo's Conservative love for all things Bushy would likely lead to their down fall if a federal election were called today. The poll shows the Tory's and Liberal's are neck in neck, with nary an NDP'er in sight, in voter acceptance and Harpo's puppy posturing to America is to blame. With the Harpo's Government insistance on following the Americans, in their support of Israel, is finally showing flaws, flys and feet in the Tory ointment.

The Harpoville Post has learned that for the first time since the Conservative's regained control, even if only minor-ally, six months ago they have stumbled in a popularity poll. Harpo is showing great Tory leadership traits similar to those of Brian Mulroney, where whenever faced with a delema it was duck, run and hide time and that's what Harpo is up to leaving poor Peter McKay alone to fend off the incoming media and voter disapproval on slot. Now, with a hint the Government may change it's mind, one more time, about sending in Canadian Peacekeepers(do we have any left, I thought they gave them all orders to shoot to kill) instead of sending more army into a area of the world where too much army already exsists.

The Harpoville Post reports that with news today of five Canadian soliders killed, the most in one day since World War 2, the Harpo Government will be doing a lot more ducking and running from the slippery, sliding slop they'll soon be referring to as they're polls. But, in Cornwall Harpo came out swinging in defiance of him spending 15 billion dollars on military and only $5. per day, before taxes, for the Conservative child care program. Holding up a T-Shirt stating "I'm #1" Harpo tries hard to keep a stiff upper lip as his popularity buckles at the knees.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

America Prays For Cuban Uprising

"But, since Cuban's get free medical and dental they're not in a hurry to comply"

The Harpoville Post reports that Cuban dictator Fidal Castor's recent medical condition has left America and Cuban exciles wetting their lips in anticipation of an uprising and an end of near 50 years of Castro rule. When Castro past on control to his fun loving brother Raul most Cuban Americans started making plans to sell they're sacks in Liberty City and move back to Cuba but, that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Cuban's on the whole don't have alot but, what they need they get. Medical, dential and University education is all paid for by the Cuban state and as an American knows these are all the things guranteed to land you in the poor house in the USA. Long a festering torn in the paw of the cowardly lion America, Cuba, has survied very, very well for a country that has had to live under the U.S. scrutiny and trade embargos. But, now with close ties to oil rich South American countries like Venezulela and Bolivia, Cuba, is showing itself to be a much better run country than the fat, war-torn endebted America.

The Harpoville Post reports that back in 1959 Cuba was America's Sin City where drugs prostitution and gambling florished and America has never forgiven Castro for taking that away and establishing a peaceful country. So as the overweight sons and daughters of exciled Cubans plan a return to their once promised land they're not making it much past the dock because Castro's Cuba doesn't look like it's going anywhere too soon.

"As the saying goes; Living Well is the Best Revenge."

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Harper Get's Jew Cash(I meant New Cash) and Support in Van.

"Israel moves into Lebanon for the kill and Harper goes to Vancouver for a killing"

The Harpoville Post reports that as Israel reneges on its call for a 48 hour ceasefire and moves men and tanks deep into Lebanon Prime Minister Harpo moves his money men deep into Jewish country for their love, ca$h and $upport. The Prime Minister is planning a cross Canada Synagogue Tour starting off with a standing room only Vancouver stop that had 1000 loving Isaerlites lighting candles and signing cheques to show their appreciation for Harpo's support in the Israeli slaughter under way in Lebanon.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the P.M.'s office is now releasing a statement asking Israel to show a little restraint in their 24 hour a day two week military campaign. This seems too little too late as Israel's slaughter of 60, mostly woman and children, over the weekend has got them nothing but damnation from the United Nations and most of the world, that is except Canada and America who have been cheering Israel on and making their own killing reaping the benefits of Jewish fund raising.

The Harpoville Post reports that Foreign Affairs Minister Peter McKay, voted the most sexist man(I meant sexiest) in Parliment, was grilled, like an egg on the streets of Toronto, in Ottawa on what the Conservatives are doing when they side with the Bush Government and refuse to support a cease fire in Israel. McKay was quick to point that the Harpo Government would like a ceasefire but, only under certian conditions and those conditions are; #1) that Israel runs out of bombs first, #2) that everyone in Lebanon is either dead or seriously wounded and #3) that G.W. Bush wants the same thing at the same time.

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