Tuesday, January 31, 2006


What a Long Month it's Been

The Harpoville Post wishes to celebrate the illustrious first months end for our leader Harpo. But, what a labor-ish first month in office it has been. And athough, he only spent eight days as ruler, none of them in office and one of those days was in Harpoville Hospital, Harpo wished to thank the good people of Harpoville for they're love, devotion and support through these, short, but trying times.

The Harpoville Post exclusive month end report details all the exciting happenings and events that have taken place since our new leader Harpo has taken his place as the new ruler of Harpoville.

Election Day and an easy win for our new leader Harpo and his competent Reform Conservatives, as they crashed through the gates of corruption held by the defeated Paul Martin and his lackluster Liberals.

Our newly elected leader Harpo took this day to pray and reflect on his monsterous election win, though, it has been reported in the 3L-press, that Harpo was elected with the smallist number of votes every recorded for a prime minister since Canadian confederation, this news will not dampen the excitment since the will of the people, needless how small and rural they may be, has spoken.

Still no Harpo, but, Conservative critic Vic Teows came out swinging when he told the The Harpoville Post that soon the Harpoville/Canadian Borders will be filled with armed guards. But, not to keep out drugs, dangerous immigrants, or illegal weapons(cause, where do you think the guns come from?), but, to stop the massive exodus of Canadian's who feel trapped in the new utopian world of Harpoville.
As are leader Harpo reminds us; "resistance is futile".

The Harpoville Post was pleased to report and publish our new leader Harpo's conversation with the King of America G.W. Bush.
G.W. sent his warm congratulations on a joyous win, over the defeated social, maxists democrats on election day. King Bush also reminded Harpo that is dues for World Domination Inc. were now due.

The Harpoville Post reported on Harpo's misunderstood comments made to the US Ambassador on who really owns The North West Passage have finally been put to rest on news The North West Passage has been sold to the Tim Hortons donut and coffee franchise for an undisclosed amount. It is reported that Tim Hortons is planning to build the largest drive thru in Canadian coffee history.

The Harpoville Post report of US Submarines in Lake Muskoka may have brought tears and fears from weak kneed Liberals types, but, it only warmed the hearts of the true and faithful patrons of Harpoville, who know US Submarines in our resort areas, only make it that much safer to vacation in.

The Harpoville Post reported that finally Harpo's long awaited doctrine for new order in Harpoville, and soon to be classic "2006" has arrived. Sales of the book are taking meteoric leaps off the shelves in distribution Sector C. And it is recommended that all patrons of Harpoville pick up a copy soon.

The Harpoville Post relieved the hearts of the true when they reported on Harpo's reasons for not talking ethics 'to a Liberal'. Harpo's six month comments critic Karl Hush spoke for Harpo when he said; "talking doesn't bring results only doing does."

The Harpoville Post reminds us all that during times of war, 'loose lips sink ships'.

Monday, January 30, 2006

HARPO: Tight Lipped About Being Tight Lipped

Ethics....... Sm-ethics

The Harpoville Post is going to bat for our busy leader Harpo, as he fields balls from the 3L-press (Liberals, Lesbions and Liars). So far no runs scored as honesty and trustworthiness prevail in our man Harpo, as he holds firm on his convictions on exactly why he was unavailable for comment, when, last fall, Bernard Shapiro, the federal Ethics Commissioner, came calling.
Speaking on behave of Harpo; Karl Hush, Harpo's six month comment advisor said; "It was a very busy time those last months of the election, August through November, a very busy time".
But, when reminded that the election had not yet been called, durning the peroid in question, Karl added, "But it was the anticipation period of the up coming election. And extremely busy time, for all of us"
The Liberal funded Bernard Shapiro, say's 'he tried' over a four month period to interview Harpo. "Which is ridicules," said Karl, "Harpo was available through out that whole peroid. Why, I myself spoke to our leader, Harpo twice, so, there were two times he could have spoke to him, but, they didn't. Most likely he was on one of those high-priced Liberal (taxpayer funded) junkets..... Ya, I bet that's what it was, they go on them all the time."
Karl Hush insured us that as soon as our leader Harpo is available for comment on this or any other matter he will contact The Harpoville Post for an exclusive in-depth interview.

Karl Hush added "Our leader Harpo wants us to remember, that at times of war..... loose lips sink ships."

Stay tuned.

HARPO Interviews New Nanny

It may be a mild January here in Harpoville, but, today The Harpoville Post has learned, the heat was on and tempers flared in Harpoville last week, not because of the election ball Paul Martin, so clumsily dropped, just one week ago today, but, because of a misunderstanding when our beloved leader Harpo met with Governor General Michaelle Jean.
Grand leader Harpo had set aside that glorious morning in Harpoville to interview potential nannies for his two children, the clever Harpo jr. and 'the girl'. Harpo said; "It's the dream of ever man, once he is made ruler to get rid of the old help and get new ." That mornings interviews had gone along well, but, were running late when Governor General Michelle Jean arrived and was led into Harpo's throne room.
When they were first introduced Harpo thought she was the Haitian nanny the service had arranged to send over. When asked for her resume' and references the right honorable Miss Jean looked puzzled.
Harpo replied; "What's the matter do I have to speak french with you too?" And then Harpo started speaking, french to her in his slow drawn out way.
The Governor General replied: "You call that french?" And started to laugh.
Harpo was puzzled, saying "listen sister you ain't got the job yet".
To which the Governor General replied, "O'contrair pastie, I already got the job, it's you who ain't in yet. And if you don't start adding some shine to that shin-o-la, this parties over."
Harpo's mouth dropped to the ground, he'd never been talked to, like this, by 'the help' before.
At that moment one of Harpo's, ex- aids, rushed into the room and announced that this was not a potential nanny but the Govenor General herself. Harpo quickly apologized, soon all was forgotten, the aid beheaded, and the meeting went on as planned paveing the way for Harpo to set up the new government of Harpoville.

Later that day Harpo learned that as leader, Harpo has the power to replace Govenor General Michele Jean with a real General. Harpo was over-heard muttering "really, she may end up working for me yet."

Sunday, January 29, 2006


Sunday Book Review

Patrons of Harpoville stood out in the pouring sunshine, under glorious darken skies, to be the first in Harpoville to purchase the much awaited, sure to be a bestseller and soon to be a classic novel; "2006" Written by our leader Harpo; "2006" tells the tale of a great country in the near future.
Freed from the tyranny brought about by freedom of choice, freed from the shackles of elections and freed from the persecution of opinion, this wonderful utopian state is overseen by the all knowing, all seeing, loveable, Crazy Cousin.
The book tells of the love of their nation shown by the people of Harpoville in their devotion and strick accepting of everything their leader Crazy Cousin does or says.

This brilliant novel is never to be confused with George Orwell's tale of dystopia, in his, soon to be banned and burned, 1948 novel, 1984.

How glorious our future now looks with the release of the road map to a happier existence for all. The Harpoville Post urges you to stop what your doing and race on down to the distribution point in Sector C.

That is "SECTOR C."

Bring your photo I.D., and your Harpo devotion braclet to insure proper clearance to your new and sunnier future with Crazy Cousin in Harpoville.

War is Freedom
Peace is Slavery
Strength is Ignorance

Always Remember:


Saturday, January 28, 2006


The Harpoville Post has just learned that US Submarines have been spotted in the frozen waters of the highly valued, vacation hotspot Lake Muskoka. Reporters to The Harpoville Post have spoken to trappers in the region who have seen periscopes sticking out of the icy lake, heard haunting late night cries of "Dive, Dive" and who've been seen out partying and doing Pemican shooters with Americian Sailors in that areas nightly hotspot The Beaver Pellet. During the slighty warmer summer months the area is awash with Canadian, American and Persian celebrities who own multi million dollar cottages in and around the lake. As of this report our beloved Harpo, ruler of Harpoville, was unavailiable for comment, due to having just stepped out to lunch.

NORTH WEST PASSAGE; Not on the market, yet!

Quick to clear the air, our much loved but, often misunderstood grand leader; Harpo reported to The Harpoville Post, that comments made this past week by the "L" press(liberials, lesbions and liars), in reaction to comments made by US ambassador David Wilkins, on just who owns the rights to The Great White Norths; North West Passage, were greatly misunderstood. To The Harpoville Post, Harpo explained that what he meant to say was that a fair market value has not yet been placed on the region in question, so, it is way too soon to start talking exact numbers. Harpo went on to say that he has gone ahead and contacted his Remax agent Stan, from 'Stan The Man Real Estate', and that he will be reporting to the Harpoville Post as soon as a fair value has been put on this, or another region in Harpoville. Harpo reiterated that his newly elected Reform/Conservatives will not be looking at or seriously considering any offers, however large and generous they may be, until the evaluation has been completed. Though, Harpo added that he and his competent staff would be working late through the weekend and that if anyone wished to drop off "be$t reguar$d$" they should do so by way of the back enterance.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

HARPO Get's The Call

How happy the patrons of Harpoville were to hear that shortly after our beloved Harpo became Prime Minister he received a personal phone call from the King of America; G.W. Bush himself. The Harpoville Post received a transcript of that sixteen minute phone call, though a sight error in judgement befell Harpo when he mistakenly picked up the receive of his daughters toy phone and spoke into it for eight minutes. So, the first eight minutes of the call is pretty much G.W. saying "Hello, is there someone there? Pickup, pickup. .... What the fuck? Hello, OK, two can play that game." etc, etc. But once that small mistake was corrected it was smooth sailing and congratulations from the King of America.

GW: Hello.... hello, where the fuck is he?
Harpo: Hello, hello, I'm here, sir.
GW: There you are Harpo, what the fuck happened?
Harpo: Just a small mix up your highness.
G.W:You can drop the your highness shit, I'm switching back to Dictator. Dickey to my friends.
Harpo: Well, thank you, Dickey.
GW: Hold on Harpo, you got to give me something to be my friend.
Harpo: OK, how a'boot Ontario. We didn't do so well there.
GW: Ontario? Is that the one that's attached to New York?
Harpo: I'm not in front of a map right now but, I believe so.
GW: Fuck that. That's Hillary country, that bitch is mean. She's probably pissed all over it already. Do you have something like Florida, warm with orange trees. I like oranges, and Florida's been real good to me, real good. You going to be good to me, Harpo?
Harpo: Yes sir Mr. Dictator.
GW: You better be or I'll bitch slap you like I did Sadam. You should have been there for that one boy, now that was a party. Hey, I hear people say you're a lot like Al Gore.
Harpo: O' no sir, Mr. Gore is quite a smart and successful man. I understand he's written a few books, I tried to read one once, but too many big words.
GW: But, somebody told me you wrote a book, is that right?
Harpo: Well, I never finished it.
GW: What's it about?
Harpo: Hockey.
GW: Hockey? Is it a picture book? I like picture books. You play hockey, Harpo?
Harpo: No sir, I have asthma.
GW: I guess you like to watch hockey then?
Harpo: No sir, asthma again. It's held in cold areans, and I catch a chill easily.
GW: O'well, good work at taking care of those liberials.
Harpo: Thank you sir, I just followed your friends advice.
GW: Nonsense, you whooped them and you whooped them good. I understand they left behind a good size bankroll. That right?
Harpo: Yes sir, I haven't seen the numbers yet, but, Paul Martin was quite a good finance minister.
GW: Great, let my people know the amount and how quickly you can get it on down to us. This fucking war is cleaning me out. I still haven't got the numbers on Iran and the Chinese aren't returning my calls, if you know what I mean.
Harpo: Yes sir.
GW: I know it's in Canadian funds and it ain't worth a lot, but, a little goes a long way when your working on world domination. So, get out the cheque book and we'll be in touch.
Harpo: Yes sir Mr. President, I mean your highness, I meant to say Mr. Dictator.
GW: Don't worry about it, just put the money in the mail and remember this.
Harpo: Yes sir.
GW: Some of my friends are your friends, but, all of my enemies are your enemies. I'll be expecting that cheque.(CLICK)
Harpo: Yes sir, and thank you again for calling, I'll get right on that sir..... Sir, hello?

Nothing Say's I Love You Like

A Handshake from your ol'man. ...... Here our beloved Harpo celebrates his love and affection for his son with a nice firm handshake. But, to be honest, Harpo got his son mixed up with some potential voters when a bus load of midget Canadian voters(the C.M.C.V.C.), surrounded and interurped Harpo as he was in Timmins Ontario touring that cities Deforestation Days Ceremonies. But, even when his son tried to remind his father he wasn't really a midget voter, but, his own son, Harpo couldn't listen because his eyes had already glazed over and he was well into his ten minute voters ramble. But, luckly it was all ironed out, and all was forgiven, when after his ramble, Harpo 'came to', boarded the Big Blue Conservative Election Bus and off it headed to Sudbury's Strip Mining Days.
Though later, it was learned, young Harpo jr. boarded the wrong bus and ended up spending the night with the midgets in a Cat House in downtown LaDud' Quebec.
We understand that young Harpo jr. is back at home here in Harpoville. He's spending quality time, with the good doctors and nurses at our own Harpoville Hospital, and getting the help he so desperately needs, before that facility is closed, and the new private clinic opened.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Harpoville Will Sleep Safer Tonight

The Patrons of Harpoville will sleep safer tonight knowing Conservative Critic Vic Teows kicked the new government into high gear, just two days after the election, when like a pit-bull in the park, came screaming out of the gate calling for Canadian Border Guards to be armed. Putting into place the first of the Reform/Conservatives election promises, (what happened to shaving one percent off the GST?). This was announced after two 'armed' murder suspects evaded police in California, then drove some twenty hours North towards the 'unarmed' Canadian Border.
It is suspected, the driver; one Jose Barajas, jogged left, when he should have turned right, got lost and headed North when he thought he was driving back to his home in Mexico. The two suspects must have been in shock when they saw the sign;


So suprised were they, that, they forgot to draw their weapons as they ran into a waiting Washington State Police roadblock, where they were apprehended.

Earlier that day, in the BC drizzle, Canadian Border guards ran off the job, closing the border for some seven hours, when they heard the two suspects were heading their way. "You can't expect us to stand there with pepper spray and pleasing smiles when their are killers on the loose", one fleeing guard was heard saying. "They don't pay me for that shit."

B.C.'s Solicitor General John Les said; "You know, sometimes some people, not as nice as us, come trying to get into The Great White North, aye!, we need us some guns."

Vic Teows said; "guards will be trained and armed as soon as we get us some guns."

Arms munufactures in the US expect sales to sky rocket in 2006.

For Future Note

Just so ya' know:
The Bank Of Canada raised the interest rate 1/4 point yesterday(Jan.24, aye) from 3.50 to 3.75. "The economy is strong, unimployment is low, and the strongist economic indicator is that people are working."

Words To Treasure From Harpo

"It's better to light one candle than to promise a million light bulbs" says Harpo, quoted by The New York Times
.........What the FEAR is that supposed to mean?

And a word from the other side of the US about our'Canadian lack-O-Sanity'

The above because G.W. hasn't weight'd in yet, but, worth a boo if you haven't seen it yet.

Day Two In Harpoville Canada

Yesterday, was day one what a waste. The Toronto Star had him on a horse, kissing Klien ass screaming "Here comes the West, here comes the West". (translation: do you love me now Daddy)........

I thought of doing this yesterday, but, couldn't get off the bong long enough to blog. The couch was the only safe haven from what will be. I haven't felt this lost since the dark days of B.M. the P.M.. ........ We, can only pray(he likes cough syrup too?)....... screw that, that's what he's doing; praying. We need a much higher power........ The people....... screw them, or at least the dim witted dolts who believed the high powered TV ads that cried out for change;
"The Liberals are crooks, and 'YOU' deserve
better crooks, ones who don't get caught"
"We need a newer and better wolf at our door." ....

Christ, (there's that word again), well we might as well get used to it, cause, you're gone hear a lot of it from now on. And, another word we'll have to get used to is that four letter 'F'-word. ...... You know the one........ no, not that one. The four letter 'F'-word they use all the time in that little-O- country to da' South.......... FEAR! ....... That's the one, kind'a gives you an overwhelming feeling of "DREAD" just thinking about it. ........ G.W. and the Americans get to have a Bin Ladin to "FEAR", why can't we have one? So, That will be one of HARPO's first duties; get us something to "FEAR", and fast. Cause, if we don't have something to "FEAR" by Friday, we might just sober up and realize; there's a dofus driving this bus. ...... Just look how long it's been working down south.

Well, to recap yeasterday; HARPO was elected(no shit), though, thank C. to a minority government. That means, it'll only be a matter of time before they're all back at work(ha) doing little of anything useful, but, being paid well for it. ...... But, as the hayseeds from Alberia take their seat behind HARPO in the House of Commons they'll soon start opening their mouths, then the fun will begin. Remember these aren't just Conservatives, these are
What the hell does that mean?
Stay tuned.
PS: I'm searching for the insighted.

So, the idea of The HARPOVILLE post is to catch and share these little nuggets of litterary gold that will soon start falling from their lips.

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