Monday, July 31, 2006

Mr. Mel Gibson "He Go Crazy"

"Even in Hollywood they don't kill the golden goose"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Hollywood insiders are trying desperately to put distance between them and Crazy Mel Gibson. That is, except "if Crazy Mel calls patch him through right away." It seems all media lights are burning bright with the repeat reports of Crazy Mel's racist rants from his weekend run in with the law that has some Hollywood movers and shakers torn with indiscission about Mel Gibson. Or as Crazy Mel's say's, "I'm being treated like Christ torn from the cross by those angry Jews."

The Harpoville Post has learned that Crazy Mel may be the media's 'hot potato' of the week but, he's a sweet potato money maker for whatever religion hooks their wagon to this crazy man's star. Crazy Mel may be a nut but, he sure knows how to make it rain money and that's all that matters for those money hungry Hollywood insiders whether they be Jew, Muslim, Christian or whatever.

Israeli Kids Sign Bombs For Lebanon

When do we say; "This is out of fucking control"

The Harpoville Post
Weekend Editorial

The thought that Israel is targeting their bombs on Red Cross trucks, United Nation buildings and innocent woman and children has been debated for days as the carnage continues.
But, when do honest caring human beings reguardless of their race or religion stand up and speak out against all wars reguardless of the supposed reason.

When do we say; "This it out of fucking control."

"This is out of fucking control."

"This is out of fucking control."

"This is out of fucking control."

"This is out of fucking control."

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Mishitgan Holding Toronto's Shit Hostage

"Mishitgan shuts Toronto's shit chute"

The Harpoville Post reports that as of August 1st Toronto's shit chute shuts tight unless Toronto's shit movers and shakers come up with some more cash to grease the already greasy palms of Mishitgan's politicians. Every day 30 hugh truck loads of shit gets shot down Highway 401 and lands in the hungry landfills of Mishitgan but, "no more" says the shit power brokers of that State, that is unless Toronto wants to slip an extra $420. U.S., per truck, beneath all that shit.

The Harpoville Post has learned that with the cost of gas sky rocketing Toronto's acting a little sheepish about spending more to spead its shit around. But, what will Toronto do if Mishitgan shuts its doors to Toronto's shit? ...... "Sit on it", suspects Canadian shit specialists who say Toronto has been especially slow at finding a new home for its ever growing mountainous shit stack.

The Haropoville Post reports that some suspect Toronto will soon start crying the blues from the stench of all that shit and start sucking up to Toronto area shit collectors and municipalities to share in their shit dilemma. And as anyone whose dragged all their shit onto their front yard, some Saturday morn, and held a garage sale says; "It's all shit till you put a price tag on it. After that, it's a commodity"

Harper Lobby'$ Jew$ While Lebanon Burns

"Conservatives take advantage of a sure ca$h thing"

The Harpoville Post reports Harpo and his Conservative money gathers are moving in on a good thing by fund raising Canadian Jews for supporting Israeli annihilation of Lebanon. Conservative fund raisers have wasted no time at turning a negative into a positive by emailing Jewish and Israeli like minded supporters of the New War in the Middle East and $eeking their $upport to help refill Conservative coffer$.

"Con$ervative$ have got a lot of 'good news' polls to pay for"

The Harpoville Post has learned that as Harpo's popularity plummets in concerned Canada but, raises in Alberta, the Conservatives are hitting the bricks for the Jewi$h $upport his party so sadly lacks. Though, the problem is that it's in Ontario and Quebec where Harpo's Conservatives are both sliding in the polls and sucking up to Shylock.

The Harpoville Post
reports that the Conservatives are finding no love, votes or $upport in the immigrant Muslim voter so they've decided to seek $upport where the buck start$ and stop$.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Canada's Caring Pisses China Off

"Threatens to double prices at the dollar store"

The Harpoville Post reports the new Government is living this long hot summer in the hot seat as news is released that China has threatened to drop one big Won Ton into Canada's Conservatives soup. The Harpo Government finally decided to do something right when they offered, his holiness, the Dalai Lama honorary Canadian citizenship. The gesture is seen by most Canadians as a wonderful and nobal effort to lighten the pains of hate and death circling the global this past week but, unfortunately China doesn't see it that way. It seems China still views the Dalai Lama with unfavorable eyes.

The Harpoville Post has learned that pissing off China may mean bigger prices, not at the pumps but, where it'll really hurt; The Dollar Stores. Canadian distributors of all things 'Made in China', which is near every retailer in Canada, except the Brewers Retail, are shaking in the proverbial bottom lines boots at the thought of what China can do by moving just one decimal point. Though unclear what the Chinese Government would do if Canada follows through with honouring the Dalai Lama it has suggested that with 1.3 billion citizens in China Canada would not be wise to piss off Big Red.

Harper Calls United Nations Liars

"You can't trust these people to tell the truth"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Stephen Harpo attacked the United Nations for making accusations that it was Isreali planes and Israli bombs that were deliberately dropped on a well makered UN building in Lebanon today. The Israeli bomb distroyed the building killing four, one a Canadian soldier.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the P.M. has spent the day denying an Isralei wrong doing in the two week war, he has publicly supported, that has laid waste to southern Lebanon killing hundreds and displacing thousands. Harpo admitting he felt some feelings of lose for the fallen soldier but was unable to put them into words so, he decided to attack the press for reminding him of the saughter he supports.

The Harpoville Post reports the United Nations building that Israel distroyed sits in the small village of Khiam and has been there since 1978. All UN buildings in the area are clearly marked and and there presence known to the Israeli Defence Forces.

Lance Bass Reveals What Everybody Knew

"That's why they called him Lance"

The Harpoville Post reports that Lance Bass from the, not-so-popular-anymore, boy band 'N Sync has crawled out of the closet to reveal what every human on the planet had already guessed; 'Lance is gay'. Lance 29 was suprised when no one at his 'coming out party' was suprised by this revelation. "Can't you at least pretend to be suprised" Lance said to the few people in attendence.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Lance has worked hard, for years, not to let it be revealed of his sexual preference so as not to hurt the popularity of 'N Sync which has been plummeting for years. Entertainment insiders now believe this may be the 'golden goose' the band has been searching for, for years, to put them right back on top. "Being gay never hurt the Villiage People," said one 'N Sync insider who wished to be referred to as 'Sasha'. "I bet this will be just what they need to boost the boys carees and they'll be climbing all over each other to be the next one out of the closet, just you wait" he added.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Lance about his plans now he's made it official. "I and my live in lover and actor, Reichen, are planning a situation comedy for TV. It'll be a high romping comedy for the 2000's an 'Odd Couple' for the new millennium called Rump Rangers, we think it'll be just swell."

Woman Swallows During Phone Sex

"No word if she has a sister"

The Harpoville Post reports that a 24 year old Missouri man is in court trying to discribe how a cell phone ended up in his girlfriends stomach. It seems last December, 25 year old Melinda Abell was a little too tipsy while having phone sex with her then boyfriend Marlon Brando Gill. Melinda now states that Marlon forced her to prove her love by making her swallow.

The Harpoville Post has learned the couple, who have been together for a number of years, have had a rather stormy relationship that ended when Melinda was rushed to hospital and Marlon was charged with assault for forcing her to swallow while having phone sex, which is a misdemeanor in Missouri.

The Harpoville Post reports that if Marlon Brando Gill is found guilty he could get face two years probation and be prohibited from ever having phone sex again.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Bear Dies after Eating Poison Scout

"What are we feeding our children that are killing our bears?"

The Harpoville Post reports that an innocent back bear was killed after he inadvertenly mistook a poison Scout for a fresh one. The bear, a treasured resident of the great State of Utah, was found on a path by the State Park Ranger. The Ranger, named Rick, who at first had no idea how the bear had died, became suspicious after interviewing a group of Scouts who were camping in the area.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Park Ranger Rick on closer inspection noticed one of the Scouts had had his arm torn off. While being questioned the Scout could not recall how he had lost his arm and said it must have happened while he slept and that after breakfast he and the rest of the scout troop had planned to go in search for the missing appendage.

The Harpoville Post reports there is no word whether the off Scout will be changed with the death of the bear but, it has been reported that Park Ranger Rick confiscated the Scout troops supply of tube steaks, Pogo's and Ho Ho's.

Harper Delays Environment till October

Ambrose "Wait till you see what were going to do you won't believe it it's so good I'm so proud of myself I can't belive it I thought of it all by myself, it was me, me, me, me, me"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose announced, with trumpeting fanfare, that the new Conservative plan for the environment is "so good" it can wait till October. Tentatively called "Green Plan 2", for no apparent reason, the Minister of Disaster released word of it's arrival with little or no indication of its content.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Rona Ambrose has likened her new "Green Plan 2" to that of Brian Mulroney's 1991 governments 3-Billion "Green Plan", hence the term "Green Plan 2" but, with one big exception Ambrose's Ministry doesn't have any money. With the common knowledge that the Ministry is as poor as a church mouse and barely able to pay the saleries of its employees some wonder how Rona is planning to pull a rabbitt out of her hat when she can't afford a fadora.

The Harpoville Post spoke to the Minister of Environmental Disasters on whether the Harpo Government planned to commit 3-Billion to their new "Green Plan 2" Ambrose admitted, "God no, we don't have any money for environmental concerns we spent 3 Million coming up with the title. But, it is a good title don't you think? I can't wait for everyone to see the little brochure we've made up, it's so cute. Though I have no idea where we'll find the money to print them with. Maybe we'll put it on that internet thingy. ..... That's such a good idea I should give myself a raise for that idea alone or at least a day in the spa."

Friday, July 21, 2006

VLT's Clean Out The Poor In Nova Scotia

"Well we got all they're money now what'll we do?"

The Harpoville Post
reports that the Conservative Nova Scotia Government is starting to feel the pinch at the video gaming machines with revenues slowly grinding to a halt. The government can't figure out whether they've cleaned out the populace or no-one in Nova Scotia can afford the gas to drive down to the VTL centers to throw all their money away.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Nova Scotia Government has seen a 10% drop in gambling revenue in the last year dropping from 200 Million to 180 Million, which has many scratching their heads and trying to think of more ways to get that money back. One way is to install VTL's directly into all Nova Scotia homes by passing a law making it manditory. Though other politicians have decided to take the wait and see approach. The Harpoville Post spoke to one such politicians who told us, "We've got to be patient and realize that every year we clean out an older generation of VLT addicts but, every year another generation of younger addicts get on board, with even greater earning potential. Plus they're still are some 7,000 addicted gamblers in Nova Scotia so, there is a lot of hope out there that we can get these numbers back up."

Canada Makes America's Top 10 Terror List

"The Top 10 Terror List is nothing to fear"

The Harpoville Post reports that America's Ten 10 Terror List are out and Canada squeezed in at number 10, a first for this country. Canada has long felt ignored by its neighbour to the south but, now it has something to both cheer and fear about. And, with America's long history of invading countries it suspects of harboring terrorists should Canada expect an invasion anytime soon?

The Harpoville Post has learned that "The Terrories", as they're called in Washington are picked through a long, slow arduous process performed by long, slow and arduous Republician politician who are usually long past their usefulness in Washington but, still on the payroll. Reports have it that Canada's new Conservative party is both shocked and awed at the nomination. Since being elected the Harpo Government has worked non stop to ensure fear and confusion throught out Canada to help establish closer ties to G.W. Bush so they are both pleased with the recognition but, also fearful of it's meaning.

The Harpoville Post spoke to an un-named government official who had this to say, "We're pretty happy at Canada making the Top 10 but, also a little afraid of the outcome. I understand that Prime Minister Harpo is putting together a rather large compensation package to give to the Americans for our gratitude but, also to remind them we are honored but, completely sub servant and beholding to George Bush and his great country to our south."

Israel Caught Bombing Itself

"United Nations building bombed in Israel by the Israeli's"

The Harpoville Post reports that a UN building sitting in Israel was caught in the middle of the Israeli Lebanon war and distroyed today. The Israeli's were quick to blame the Hezbollah for the bombing but, soon after the smoke cleared the United Nations blamed Israel for the direct hit.

The Harpoville Post has learned as Israel increases it fire power against Lebanon and the Hezbollah no stone is left unturned and no building left standing even if they are on Israeli soil. With modest reports of over 350 dead in Lebanon in the week long battle Israel is calling in more troops and gear up for increased bombing of southern Lebanon. The United States has decided to send in Coni Rice for her Washington war update but, that's not till next week and most guess the war will be over and Lebanon will only be a memory by then.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Harper Sleeps as Plane Picks up The Lucky 100

"But, leaves 29,900 Canadians behind looking for their own way out"

The Harpoville Post reports as Prime Minister Harpo's plane arrives in Lebanon to airlift 100 card carring Conservatives to safety many more sit waiting with no food, water and electricity in a war zone the P.M. himself supports. As Harpo faces growing damnation from the 800,000 Muslims in Canada for his support of Israel's actions in their relentless mass elimination of Lebanon the P.M. decided to squeeze one more photo opportunity into his week long trip abroad.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Prime Minister has decided to sleep off a heavy night of French bubbly and stay secluded on his plane while his people pick and choose who the lucky ones will be to ride with Harpo back to Canada. Word has it Harpo freed up the extra seats by leaving behind Canadian officals in Paris for an extended holiday.

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadians in Lebanon have had a hard time getting any response from the Canadian Embassy in Beirut who have reportedly stopped answering their phones and are looking for a way to safe themselves from the war zone Israel has caused and Harpo supports.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Wife Weeps While Harper Sides With Bush

"Lady Harper sheds tears for cameras"

The Harpoville Post reports that our grand learder Harpo and his wife Lady Harpo visited Vimy Ridge on their return for the conservative G-8 conference in Russia. Lady Harpo reacting on cue from the cameras burst into tears and fell to the ground clutching the grave marks and screaming; "Why, why, why did they die."

The Harpoville Post has learned that at that point Harpo pointed to the cameras his media personel had positioned in place and said, "These poor fighting fools were facing the enemies poison gas not like today where I must face the enemies poison camera lens and pens. But, don't you fear, my dear, one day we will fill hundreds of grave sights just like this with young Canadian men and women as I send more and more of them to their deaths so one day we will all be free of the hate that attacks freedom fighters like myself from these angry enemy cameras."

The Harpoville Post reports that the PM has decided to continue his relentless attack on Lebanon along with 'Big Daddy', G.W. Bush backing Israel as more innocent civilians die from the constant bombing of Beirut and southern Lebanon. The Prime Minister told the cameras and the press he hates and fears so much that, "Israel has every right to defend itself and lay waste to Lebanon and kill as many terrorists as it can find hiding amongest the innocent men, women, children and Canadian tourists."

Sask. Cop Killer Could Get Community Service

Stockwell Day "we need to catch this guys first before can figure out what to do with them"

The Harpoville Post reports that the RCMP is throwing it's hands in the air about how safe it is to do their job in Saskatchewan. It has been one year since 4 RCMP officers strolled into a massive marijauna grow-operation in Mayerthorpe Saskatchewan and were shot to death, the man responsible then shot himself. Now, after last weeks killings of 2 more RCMP officers in Spiritwood Saskatchewan the RCMP is asking itself is it worth it to police in Saskatchewan.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the RCMP is reevaluating their role and taking stock in their losses and coming to the conclusion that Saskatchewan may be too dangerous to be in, certainly now the Harpo Government has stripped this country of it's gun registery laws that could have stopped 2 crazied cop killers in Saskatchewan from twiddling down the ranks of Canada's finest. Canada's Lack of Safety Minister Stockwell Day is trying to quell unrest in that province by calling for stiffer penalties for cop killers which is all fine and good if you catch them and bring them to justice but, that isn't happening. At Mayerthorpe, the killer, killed himself in Spiritwood the killer walked away and hasn't been seen since and the police don't think it's safe to go out looking for him either so, they called off the man hunt.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Harpo Government says that gun registry is not the answer but, with gun registry, loonies in Saskatchewan wouldn't be able to own guns. The RCMP say tougher penalties are needed so they stay in jail but they are unable to catch these loonies after they have murdered, now 6 mounties, to even bring them to trial let alone get them in jail.

The Harpoville Post suggests that the government devises a simple IQ test that every Canadian has too take and if they fail this IQ test they can't own a gun, or drive a car or have babies or get a loan or......... But, what would happen to the Conservative party?

Monday, July 17, 2006

Harper Applauds Israel as Canadians Die

" 7 Canadians die as Conservative Government slow to ensure safety to Canadian tourists in the region"

The Harpoville Post reports as Israel continues to bomb Lebanon into bits Prime Minister Harpo is caught in the cross hairs of condoning Isreal's actions as innocent Canadian tourists are now listed among the dead. The new Canadian government has made no attempt to save or evacuate Canadian citizens from the war torn region while approving of Isreal's actions.

The Harpoville Post has learned that as innocent Canadians are being caught in the relentless bombing raids on Beirut and southern Lebanon as Harpo sits with other Conservative world leaders applauding Israel for their actions and turning a blind eye to those caught in the middle. The world stands aghast as Israeli's military might is raining down their own brand of Middle East terror on innocent men, women and children of that country and now Canadian tourists.

Ken Lay Lounging in Lackawanna

"And in Louisville and Limington and Lethbridge and Lawrenceburg and..... "

The Harpoville Post reports of multiply Ken Lay sighting through out the world as conspiracy theorists go to down after last weeks death of one of the most corruptible men in American business history. Ken Lay, founder and flounder of Enron died while waiting sentencing for his role in dooping millions of billions in the demise of his American company Enron. Now many suspect Ken Lay didn't die he just changed his name and slipped quietly away.

The Harpoville Post has learned the conspiracy all started when Ken, supposedly, dropped to the floor and died of a heart attack, alone with his wife, while vacationing in Aspen but it was his families insistence for a quick firery funeral of cremation that set the conspiracy tongues to wagging. With the billions Ken still had stashed he could have easily burned a passerby and ska-daddled to a much more pleasant and monetarily understanding environment.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Ken's lawyer, a slimy little man who had nothing for praise for Ken and damnation for the many disbelievers in his death. He had this to say, "These fools have no idea what a great, great man Ken was and what he did for his close friends near the end of Enron. Ken was like a god to me a great big money dispensing god and he will be sadly missed."

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Conservative Wings G-8 Plea for Peace

"We'll back that plea by sending in more troops and weapons"

The Harpoville Post reports as Israeli unleashes its war machine on its neighbours Conservative Western leaders met at the international G-8 conference for dinner, drinks and a plea for peace and understanding in the Middle East by any means necessary. As Harpo, Bush and Blair sit in Russia and converse what the rest of the world should be doing differently Israeli war planes are laying waste to the innocent civilians of Lebanon.

The Harpoville Post has learned that both Russia and France have denounced Israel's action of bomb first and ask to speak to someone in charge second as dishonorable knowing that only innocent civilians will be targeted. So far Israeli forces have killed 106 civilians. Lebanon's P.M. has called for a U.N. intervention and an Israeli ceasefire but, so far Israel refuses.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Mr. T. ..... He Pities The Fool?

"I Pity The Fool who stumbles across this while channel surfing"

The Harpoville Post
Entertainment Friday

The Harpoville Post reports that word has it that the hyper, anger filled mad man know as Mr. T. is still alive and feels he has something left to say to TV land viewers and the world of entertainment. The former co-star of the early 80's show The A Team, a show he shared with a talking car, no, that was a different stupid 80's show, anyway now Mr. T's is back on TV and were not sure why. It seems when everybody else was returning to TV in recovery style reality talk shows Mr. T. held out for this donation to the dump; "I Pity The Fool", though wasn't that what McGiver used to say? That's really not important, what is important is what Mr. T. has to say now.

The Harpoville Post has learned that after years of simi-retirement, anger managemant courses and the odd gig opening a car dealership hasn't done much to sharpen Mr. T to the sharpest-tack-in-the-box like state. In a recent interview Mr. T. confessed he's given up his trademark 20 gold chains that hung around his neck after he witnessed the distruction of Hurricane Katrina just last week. It seems Mr. T. has been without cable for well over a year. Mr. T. also said he's discussed by all the old TV stars that are jumping on the Katrina Train just to promote their new reality TV shows. When Mr. T. was asked why he gave up his trade-mark gold chains he said, "Cause if I was in that flood that followed Katrina I'd sink like a rock and 'I Pity The Fool' who'd do that."

The Harpoville Post reports that Mr.T.'s new TV show is a 'talk show' where viewers call in to ask Mr. T. his personal advice on their problems and "I/we Pity the Fool" who would do that.

More Chicks On The Stick

"What else would you in your mouth?"

The Harpoville Post reports that more women are lighting up and hitching onto the old nicotine trail than men. A new study concludes that although more men smoke than women more men are quiting and more women are picking up on their old habit. And it seems the tobacco companies see this trend and are designing cigarettes with the Marlboro Lady in mind.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the new trend overseas is to show attractive, savvy women with something folic dangling from their lips the lady's are loving it and grabbing on to the old habit. Cigarette billboards may be banned in the US but in Muslim countries billboards showing women blowing smoke from beneath their burkas is not all that uncommon.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Commuters Take 2 Weeks To Get To Work

"Compaines plan to dock workers for too much time on their ass"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian commuters are spending more and more time getting to and from work. The average commute went to 63 minutes a day or what amounts to 275 hours a year sitting on their ass.

The Harpoville Post has learned that many Canadian companies are now putting their heads together to think up ways for these commuters to be productive in their daily drives. The Harpoville Post spoke to one Canadian company owner who said, "We tried to think up things these lazy bastards could be doing while sitting around basially doing nothing. We've tossed around some ideas and these are the ones we think are keepers. 1)

They're Bombing The Beaches of Beirut

"So I bebop'd to Bombay"

The Harpoville Post

The Harpoville Post reports Israeli's desire for more has increased with Lebanon's kick at their kan. It seems the best way to stir up a thick Israeli soup is swip a soldier or two. Palestine started it and Lebanon followed suit now if Egypt, Jordan and Syria all Muslim states, joined hands that would make for quite a hoe-down.

The Harpoville Post has learned that war is a disease and spreeds like a cancer. G.W. Bush decided that Afghanistan, one of the poorest countries in the Middle East, was the home of 9/11 terrorists, though 90% of them hailed from Saudi Arabia, so he decided to go in and kick their butt, but, half way through that he decided to go kick Sadam's butt, but, that hasn't worked out so well either. It seems kicking Middle Eastern butt is much easier with paper and pen in a nice air conditioned war room than it is once you send in the troops and the rubber hits the, the, the sand. You see, that's all they got there is sand which makes it difficult to blow up but, easy to hide bombs in.

The Harpoville Post reports that Israeli's right to show military might was much easier in the good days before words like Holy War were thrown around. Back in the 1970's when slapping the shit out of Beirut was an everyday occurrence now, it doesn't look so good when you'd rather send in your troops than pick up a phone. I mean where'd they learn that trick from? O'yea America. But, you see America's stretched to the limit at the moment they got Congressional elections coming up and you don't want to come off 'too' war happy during election time. So, if the Middle East decides to circle Israeli's wagon I don't think G.W. is going to be in such a hurry to send in the Calvary.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Military Re-writes Slain Soldiers Story

"Military denies any help except for spelling, grammer and content"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Canadian Military moved fast to fend off attacks from the left leaning lying Liberal media in painting a recent slain Canadian soldier afraid of dying in Afghanistan. The young mans father, with the help of the defence department, came out with a different side to the soldiers tale one filled with honor and confidence.

The Harpoville Post has learned the new tale was released on a military website and paints the young deceased man as a highly trained soldier ready to kill and be killed for his country. A much different side to a story released earlier this week of a young, naive man who after two weeks of training was handed a gun and sent into battle only to be killed this past weekend in a Taliban fire fight.

The Harpoville Post reports that the military denies they had anything to do with the pro Afghanistan military conflict story released on a military website and other than spelling, grammer and content had nothing to do with the article.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Virginia Witch Walks 300 Years Later

"Virginia Governor askes to be turned back into a man"

The Harpoville Post reports that, last week, a 300 year old Virginia witch trial was reopened and its guilty verdict over turned. Virginia Governor Timothy Kaine sat on a pillow catching flies with his tongue at the Virginia ceremony that cleared the name of Grace Sherwood after 300 years of being refered to as the Witch of Pungo.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Grace Sherwood was a self proclaimed healer back in 1700's and was accused of being a witch. To prove she was a witch the good people of Virginia threw Ms. Sherwood into a lake and when she floated she was put to death. The Governor, who refused at first to reopen the case changed his mind last month when he was turned into a toad, finally reversed the 300 year old verdict and cleared the good name of the woman. No word if Virginia Governor Timothy Kaine will have to wait 300 years before being turned back into a man.

Einstein's Swordsmanship Now Noted

"The father of Relativity liked his mass and knew how to serve it up"

The Harpoville Post reports that letters just released show renown German Physicist Albert Einstein in a whole new 'speed of' light. The man known, around the world, as the father of the Theory of Relativity also enjoyed a good romp in the hay.

The Harpoville Post has learned that letters held in trust twenty years after the death of his step-daughter Margot were released and show Albert as an avid letter writer and no slouch in the sack. The Physicist was not all work and no play and had woman, who some now see as groupies, persue him as he traveled. In one letter he spoke of six different female conquests one being his secretary and of a Mrs. M. who followed him from city to city throughout Europe in constant need of yet another lesson on Relativity.

The Harpoville Post reports that with these findings come some new views of Einstein's papers. In 1905 Einstein released the Special Theory of Relativity whch talks of electromagnetisum, time, distance, mass and energy and is now seen for what it really is, a sex manual.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Canadian Desperation in Afghan Conflict

O'Connor "It's the battles these kids love"

The Harpoville Post reports that the 21 year old slain Canadian solider who died in a fire fight in Afghanistan felt severely undertrained, desperate and suicidal to leave Afghanistan. The slain soldiers family voiced their concerns over the young mans plight he felt was near a sad and desperate end.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Canada's Lack of Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, called the dead soldier and his family dirty liars and said that young Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan are eagar to die and hungry for more war. Mr. O'Connor had this to say to The Harpoville Post, "These kids get upwards to two and sometimes three weeks training and look forward to going into vicious one on one battle with the heavily armed and experienced Taliban fighters who are defending their sons, daughters, wifes and country and every day they're hungry for more."

The Harpoville Post reports that this young soldier, the 17th to fall since the Conservative Government joined forces with America, will not be the last as 15 Billion dollar military commitment confirms that war in Afghanistan will go on for many years to come as more and more Canadian flag drapped coffins will soon be dropped off at our door.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Harper's Polices Resemble Small L Liberal

"New book states Stephen Harpo may be....... God for bid.... Liberal"

The Harpoville Post reports that a new book examines Stephen Harpo's first six months in office and comes to the conclusion he doing the best wolf in sheeps clothing imitation ever pulled off by a Conservative party in office. It seems Harpo's Liberal-lite agenda is making him a hit in Ontario and Quebec but, starting to piss off the staunch Alberta Conservatives that handed him his day in the sun.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Harpo has implemented the largest spending spree to come out of Ottawa since the 1970's Liberals that has many hard nosed business Conservatives shaking in the fiscal boots. This over spending Love-in could spell an early demise for Stephen if he holds on to his promise to maintain present social program spending, one thing Tory's can never do, while increasing military spending, a receipe for disaster if the present economy slides into the tank by even just a few points.

The Harpoville Post reports with the bill for the 1% cut in the Tory implemented GST still not totaled or even begun to be paid for makes you wonder how he plans to make up spending Billions just to loose Billions in tax revenue. One way is to eliminate the environmental ministry and since that's already been done leaving it with barley enough money in its kitty to pay salaries. Harpo's soon going to have to pull a rabbit out of his hat and go after those succulent social spendings and sent them off to the shredder soon. It's going to get too hot in the wolfs suit once the summer sun starts to burn brightly from all this un-deniable global warming.

What's Harpo going to do for his second trick?

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Heads Will Roll For Canada Day Rest Stop

"Give er' man, wow Canada Day, giver er' Yea Hoo!"

The Harpoville Post reports that 23 year old Stephen Fernandes, no relation the Stephen Harper, came forward to turn himself in and plead Canada Day stupidity as his defence to accusations of him 'hanging loose' in Ottawa last weekend. Stephen swears he was swept up in the magic of what was Canada's 139th birthday celebrations.

The Harpoville Post spoke to the apologetic young Canadian as he looks back on that day festivities. "Wow man, I was sooooo wasted that day, I really don't remember much. I had traveled to Ottawa with the church chior to sing the national anthem for the special needs kids. It's something my church group does every year, it's really nothing special but, if we can just bring a little happiness and a smile to one retards face I guess it's all worth it. Well, like I said I don't remember much but, it was a long, hot bus ride down to Ottawa that day and the kids were passing around some apple juice that we had found in the church rectory. I guess the apple juice was old and fermented cause things got pretty hazy fast. I understand things got out of hand after O'Canada, I guess I just got swept up in all the love, I just don't know what happened next. My friends say I just got right out of hand I heard I was coming on to a statue and that I was seen trying to do a cannon and that picture of me urinating on the momument just doesn't make sense I mean man I was just looking for somewhere to take a shit."

The Harpoville Post reports there is no word what will happen to poor Stephen who was just caught in the merryment of his love of our great country and a shortage of sufficient rest room facilities on that day of all days Canada Day.

Friday, July 07, 2006

3rd Penis Pin Pointed at Urinal-Gate

"Canada Day pee pisses some people off"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's top police are hot on the case of the three heads of an underground group that were spotted earlier this past week defacing a national momument. The police say the three heads were spotted spraying yellow graffiti all over the 65 year old Ottawa momument.

The Harpoville Post has learned a 23 year old artist from Quebec is claiming innocence in the incident that captured he and two underaged youths from Ontario urinating durning the Canada Day merry making. The 23 year old man has claimed he was mearly trying to extinguish a burning Canadian flag that was inadventently set ablaze during the fireworks display. Canada's top police and law enforcement units have been working tirelessly night and day to solve this injustice that has most of Canada's Conservatives crying out, once again, for the return of the death penalty.

FBI Foil Plot to Flood The Big Apple

"Blowing up the Holland Tunnel would have left N.Y. bobbing for apples"

The Harpoville Post reports that the FBI released they have uncovered a dangerous plot to sink the Big Apple by blowing up the Holland Tunnell. As the world looks towards London with morning on this the first anniversary of the London Subway terrorist bombings of 2005 where 52 were killed, America remembers by trying to keep the fear light shinning bright in 2006.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the FBI is taking credit for smashing a New York terrorists plot that there is little known information on or about it. It seems through eves-dropping over the internet the FBI over turned a conversation between two, likely high, like-minded whanna-be terrorists who thought it would be swell if they blew up the Holland Tunnel and flooded out the business district. Since the conversation originated in an un-disclosed foreign country there is no word if these supposed terrorist ever traveled to America, visited New York City or just bought a 'I Love N.Y.' t-shirt off of Ebay and said they did. The FBI has admited that blowing up the Holland Tunnel would not flood New York beacuse the tunnel is below the water line but, admits it sounds good.

"Hardly feasible but, it sure makes good copy"

The Harpoville Post is suprised that America's newspapers still latch onto Government disclosed secret plots that uncover nothing but, suspicion. What was it that Elvis sang; "We can't go on together, with suspicious minds."

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Bush Praises Harper on his Softwood

"Is that a toothpick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harpo traveled to Washington today with a shinny new passpost, stating who he is, and a cheque worth 1.2 Billion made out to U.S. president G.W. Bush. News that G.W. was thankful for the funds but, a little put off when he found out the cheque was in Canadian funds and he would have to locate a bank somewhere in America that would accept an Canadian cheque.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the cheque was an incentive for the Americans to sign the softwood agreement they had earlier agreed to then reneged. This meeting with these two great Conservative heads of state took some six months to fit into G.W.'s busy schedule and has left Harpo sitting in his office on hold. When clearance was finally given a memo was issued to the P.M.'s office to make sure that Harpo doesn't try entering the U.S. without a passport.

Monday, July 03, 2006

GST Cut Like a Gift From The Gods

"But, what one hand givi'th the other taki'th away"

The Harpoville Post reports what a glorius world we all so blest to live in as our wonderous leader so graciously bestowed on us blessed relief from the dastardly value added tax the dreaded GST. As this July 3rd. takes wing surly all will be setting apon and making plans to move like locus thru retail in angry deviance of the curse that slowed Canadian spending for O' these 15 plus years.

The Harpoville Post states that had the last Conservative Government lead by the thieving B.M. the P.M. known how their strangle hold value added tax would starve off prosperity for low these many years surly he would have set the magic number at the economically suggested 5% but, no the Conservatives in their greed decided that 7, yes, 7% would be the magic number to set the GST at back in those dark depressive days of January 1991. Had only B.M. the P.M. listened to his over payed and rarly used advisers they would have surly foretold his fate of depressive consummation brought about by his need for love, money and power that in the end meant his downward spiral that a brought about his disgraceful finish in a few short years. So, devastating was his defeat that it tore the Conservative party into jagged pieces that took 15 years to put together by our glorious leader Harpo.

The Harpoville Post preys that Harpo isn't so blinded by the chains of power and wealth that he may fall prey to the shackles that so ended the lives of other P.M.'s before him by thinking if the people just loved me a little more I will reign for every and a day. But, as history so often foretold that what one hand givith the other done take it away as one mere mosal of tax falls to the floor in political favor so shall the coffers of the mighty money men in government who will now have to scramble like rats cutting and slicing like little Tory ginsu knives through social policies to pick up the slack left behind by such a lowly act of love seeking. As Harpo raises the price of war while hiding behind the thin transparent vale of security, he feels the coffers left behind by the more fiscal managed Liberal Government will last forever but, soon the bill for the love lorn cutting of the 1% off the GST will come due untold millions were spent winding back one tiny digit on every cash register in the land time and energy better spent on building a better Canada will now be lost carving out a future rich in admiration and military spending but poor in revenue.

"Rarely does this trick work"

The Harpoville Post knows for a short shinny time Canadians, the well off making large purchases, will see, not so much feel, some blessed relief of the bottom line but, that too will soon pass and once the trick is over will another slight-of-hand-trick come from behind and relieve us from the blind burden of complacency.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Canada Swallows American Softwood Deal

"Conservatives roll even further over to let Americans drive it in"

The Harpoville Post reports that like a hooker on Jasper Ave. during a oil boom, the Harpo governments desire for fast cash and a quick finish to the long and dragged out softwood issue with America may be in the near future but, like Jasper Ave. when the sun comes up it's not a pretty sight.

The Harpoville Post has learned that just as pen was to hit paper the Americans came whining back with a new clause to the mega document, this one is; 'what if we want to change are mind.' It must be obvious to most by now that dealing with Americans is pretty much like negotiating with a crack-whore that won't pay her rent or vacate because most days she can't remember where she lives. Months ago the WTO said America should cough up the 5.2 Billion it stole from Canadian softwood dealers in unfair tariffs not to mention what that country over charges it's own people in extra softwood taxes but, like that crack-whore, America wouldn't let go until the Harpo Government let them keep over 1 Billion to pay the slimy lawyers who slid through every slimy loop hole imaginable for years trying to keep it. Then this spring the new Harpo Government looking for an easy lay to help fatten their ego and their bank roll got, ex-liberal, Dave Emerson all dolled up in spandix and glitter and sent him to Washington to suck up some favors to put this baby to bed.

The Harpoville Post reports that unfortunatly even 'dolled up Dave' is no lady and soon the deal that was in jeopardy. So Dave, not one to disappoint broke out the KY rolled over a little further and let the Americans not only do all the screwing but, keep the cash and let them change they're mind and leave the party before they crinkle the sheets and cut the cake.

"How embarrassing"

New Poll Conservatives Will Ignore

"We're heading to hell in a hand basket but, it'll be a comfy basket"

The Harpoville Post reports of a new poll just released just in time for the vacationing Tory Government to ignore. The new poll finds those Canadian's polled are pessimistically optimistic about Canada and its future. The reason the Harpo Government will find this poll easy to dismiss is that it finds 78% of Canadians see global warming as the biggest threat to Canada which is in contrast to the Conservative government who lists gay's and terrorists as the greatest threat to Canada and themselves and have no idea what global warming is to do anything about it.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Canadians, when not polled by the Tory Government, are a pretty optimistic bunch about Canada's future prosperty and health cures feeling Canada will be a good country in which to live in 2020. But, Canadians also believe we will still be fighting a war in Afghanistan and be too closly tied to American policies in that not too distant future.

The Harpoville Post finds Canadians also aren't too trusting of Quebec or Alberta to stay and stick it out and expect the two to bail and join up with the United States in 14 years time. Alberta's new found financial freeedom has left it feeling too cocky and with Canada's present minority Prime Minister too spinless to do anything about it this which, they feel, will allow them both easy access to the exit.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Stephen Harper Swears "I'm Not a Crook"

"Where have we heard that one before?"

The Harpoville Post reports celebrations this Canada Day were marred as Prime Minister Harpo was caught in the cross hairs of accusations claiming his innocence. Harpo was caught by reports trying to sneak out of the back door of a meeting and to his waiting limo, that was hiding behind a Convenience Store. When reporters approached Harpo security claimed the stores parking lot was private property and the reporters had to leave but, the reporters resisted and caught Harpo sneaking down an alley.

"Sneaking Sally down the alley"

The Harpoville Post has learned accusations that The Conservative Party pockeedt an extra 1.7 Million in undisclosed political donations back at a Conservative convention held in March 2005 Harpo says they didn't have to disclose these funds the Liberal say they do and Chief Electroal Officer Jean-Pierre Kingsley wants to review the books before any conclusions are to be made. But, right away Harpo started blaming the Liberals for wrong doing, not supporting the troops, not wanting to support his $5.00 a day daycare plan or is 'Made in Canada" pollution solution which left many in attendance in that cold dank alley scratching their heads. "What is the Prime Minister hiding from."

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