Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Tories Announces 13 Billion Dollar Surplus

"Just don't expect them to spend any of it"

The Harpoville Post reports Harpo and his Conservatives are finding themselves so flush with leftover Liberal loot they've decided to cut 2 Billion in Federal spending. Lack of Finance Minister Paul Flaherty was quick to downplay any spectulation that much, if any, of the $13.2 Billion windfall will make it's way back to Canadian street from which it came. Mr. Flaherty who was head of finances for the failed Government of Mike Harris when they left Ontario staggering with a massive debt load back in the 90's had this to say to The Harpoville Post: "We're not like those last guy's, who were able to balance the books and still come out on top, were Conservatives. Look in your history books the Tory's always leave office with an empty kitty. It'll be no different this time."

The Harpoville Post has learned the Harpo's desire to implement spending cuts to make way for worthy voters has raised it's share of eye brows even in Western Canada. By targeting women's groups and illiteracy programs, in their spending cuts, the government is showing just who doesn't matter on their march from minority to majority. As one Albertian expressed to The Harpoville Post; "These people, if I go so far as to call them that, they're more like 'sheepeople', neither read nor vote Conservative, so who cares what they think or want."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Man Looses Penis Twice in one Lifetime

"I guess I just wasn't mature enough to own a 22 year olds penis"

The Harpoville Post reports that a 44 year old man in China, who lost his penis in a tragic accident(as if loosing your penis wouldn't be tragic enough) became the world's first successful Penis transplant reciprocant. The man, who's penis was left useless, unable to urinate or have sexual relations was, reportly, quite happy with his new penis and felt a new lease on life but, after a few months was said to become a little too cockey.

The Harpoville Post has learned that although the man's body did not reject the new organ the man's wife certinly did. The penis which was removed from a braindead 22 year old man seemed to develop a mind of his own and became a 'little prick' the wife told The Harpoville Post; "It was all quite exciting at first to get all this attention and affection but, soon it became quite insatiable and very demanding. Soon my husband was dressing differently, staying out all night and having young women calling him at home. He said it wasn't him, he had no control over it and he was merly the transport of this, of this creature. Every morning I would wake with it staring up at me with that hungry look in it's eye. It soon became just too much and I asked for it to be removed."

The Harpoville Post reports that although the wife is quite happy with the removal of the said intruder she now complains her husband and their marriage aren't the same. "He just sits around the house lifeless watching TV. He's angry all the time and he won't even look at me anymore. I'm not the one that cut it off."

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Pope Blames Comments on Too Much Wine

"Stop me if you've heard this one before; a Muslim, a Cleric and a insurgent walk into a bar"

The Harpoville Post reports the Pope's public relations people have been working overtime trying hard to clean up the mess left behind when the Pontiff, after a little too much wine grabbed the microphone and let go with a string of zingers during a Muslim Roast held at the Vatican just last week. It is said the Pope's head was pounding the next day as he came just short of apologizing for calling the Muslim Prophet Mohammed as "evil, inhuman and a joke as a savior". Muslims throughout the world took to the streets in protest burning two churchs located in the west bank.

The Harpoville Post has learned the Vatican was quick to point out the two churchs burnt in protest were not Catholic and were of no concern to them. One of the reported churchs was a Church of Scientology but, no one from that a, a, religion could be contacted for comment. The Vatican has stated that although they are not concerned by the Pontiff's comments they expect the Pope's trip to Turkey, planned for later this month, will be put on hold indefinitely.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

How Does An Asshole Like This

"Get a gun like that?"

The Harpoville Post reports that just months after the Conservative Government over turned any laws forcing guns owners, responsible of other wise, in Canada, to register their firearms some wack-o takes his Baretta automatic firearm to school, he didn't attend, for show and tell with the safety off. In Montreal one young girl is dead and nineteen people lie wounded four critical. All this is reminisent of the similar Montreal shooting that brought about the now stricken registry law. Though no one is surpised politicians and media alike have all fallen short of calling it was it is.

"Political pandering by Conservative lobbyist"

The Harpoville Post refuses to print the assholes name to allow him in death anymore fame that his miserable exsistance allowed him in life. Though the question where did this asshole get a Baretta CX4 semi-automatic rifle and why can't it be traced to whoever sold to him, or originally owned it, so they can also be chaged with murder. Though that can not happen because all though these guns are illegal they don't 'really' have to be registered here in Canada or in the United States of America.

The Harpoville Post only remose is news that the spinless asshole, once shot and surrounded by his fate, took his own life. Why didn't he skip the melodrama and do that last Tuesday? Had that happened this Harpoville Post reporter would have gladly for go this post.

Liberal's Accused of Caring Too Much

"Auditor General slams last years Liberal's for having way too much Environmental concerns"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Auditor General is set to level harsh criticisum towards last years Liberal Environment Minister, Stephane Dion, for having too much concern for Canada and the Earths environment and not enough concern for war. Back in a time of Liberal control when Government coffers were spilling over with abundanse the Liberal's who were finaly giving back now stand in scorn. With the Harpo Government about to cut Canada's ties and commitments to Kyoto the timing of the report couldn't be sweeter and smell of political cleansing be any greater.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the $1.5 Million the Liberals had commited to Kyoto will be scrapped soon for the, yet revealed, "Made in Canada" plan the Conservative Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose is polling Canada for. With no coffers left in the Conservative environmental kitty, since the spring Conservative budget stripped that ministery of 8 Million dollars a lame ass, though highly glossy environmental brochure is expected in mail boxes by Christmas.

Come Kick In Some Doors In Afghanistan

"Roust People from their beds in the new Canadian Army"

The Harpoville Post reports that the new fighting image of the new Canadian soldier was delivered today with a less than stellar showing. The Harpo Governments desire to lure 6,500 young men and woman to a life of war in Afghanistan may have just got a little harder with they're new 3 Million dollar recruitment slogan "Fight Fear, Fight Distress, Fight Chaos". The old slogan "Be All That You Can Be" was dropped for "Fight Terror" but, that one was dropped because it sounded too much like the 2004 G.W. Bush re-election campaign slogan.

The Harpoville post has learned that the military has released the ads in low employment areas of Canada like the Atlantic provinces but, so far has met with very negative results. With reading and writting at a grade six level dropped from the requirments earlier this year the military has decided to drop any physical fitness requirments come October in the hope of building up recruitment numbers by the pound in sheer mass volume.

The Harpoville Post has learned of some alternate slogans that were passed over were; "Be Less With More", "I'm OK, You're Good Enough" and "We're Not Looking For The Best Just a Bunch"

Sunday, September 10, 2006

America's Safety is Deep in a Hole

"America's search for safety still far from sight five years after 9/11."

The Harpoville Post reports that on the 5th anniversary of modern day America's equavlent to the Little Big Horn very little has changed in the way of resolve. America in the last five years has gone from invading Afganistan, though 80% of the 9/11 highjackers were from Saudi Arabia and then invading Iraq, though for what reason, three years hence, still lies a mystery. With America's death toll to the Middle East wars long surpassed those who died in 9/11 one wonders was it worth the trouble and wouldn't a fence been cheaper.

The Harpoville Post has learned that U.S. President G.W. Bush's drive for democracy has done little but cost American's Billions in war, Billions in rising gas prices and sees this trend not ending anytime soon. With Iraq in the middle of a civil war, Bin Laudin safely out of harms way and al Qaeda sending more videos to Washington than pictures of the kids at camp most Americans must be sobering to the fact it was all a waste of time. Now with Washington's confessional that they know Sadam didn't really know anything about 9/11 or Mr. Bin Ladin but, he's guilty of something so that's why we're there dosen't justify the price of admission.

The Harpoville Post reports that with 2600 American's dead for a war waged on the back of 9/11 in a country that had nothing to do with it must leave a tart taste to a distant victory. A victory still held in the distorted sights of a President that has put the desires of a few on the backs of the many with Billions spent and many Billions to go before any moral will be drawn from this tattered tale.

America's "noble lies" theory may have united a country to a common enemy so they can justify a nation always at war, always afraid and always in fear of what they don't understand.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Afghani War Promised With Varied Results

O'Connor; "We can't beat the Taliban but were going to throw a lot of money at them for a lot of years to come"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Military spending is moving fast and furious as the Military step up spending of the 15 Billion shelled out by the Harpo Government before Canadian taxpayer's sober up. With the question; "What the hell are we doing there?" being asked by everyone except the military lobbyists the shopping spree has bolted into high gear fearing the rug will be pulled out from beneath the party very soon.

The Harpoville Post reports that last week Canadian Lack of Defence Minister Gorden O'Connor, no relation to Donald, admitted there is no chance of ever beating the Taliban on their own turf so, we might as well sit back and enjoy Canada's own 'nightly news' war. But, now news from NATO saying the Taliban are on the run and it won't be long now comes on the heels of they're crying out for more troops just days ago. This consistants contratiction is the only consistant in this war other than the the increase of flag drapped coffins being flown back in Canada in the dead of night.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

SUV's Kill More People Than Terrorists

"More Americans kill more Americans than Muslim's kill Americans"

The Harpoville Post reports that five years after 9/11 more American's are killing more American's than any other race. With large gas gusiling SUV's clogging the highways, byways and bearing down on the unsuspecting one wonders shouldn't the US Government do something to curb this threat also. But, still the major car manufactures get away with building more and more of these death machines.

The Harpoville Post has learned that with 43,000 deaths last year alone on America's highways and most of them caused by SUV's. America is under a much more dangerous attack by the car themselves. With deaths mounting on the curb shouldn't American's be more afraid to walk the streets and drive to the corner store? We asked that question of Jerry Ford, a automobile salesman, and he said,; >"O'golly gee no. People shouldn't be afraid to walk out they're doors and fear being driven over by a crazed SUV owner. They're just like you and me, though some of them are more afraid and that's why they buy the big trucks and such, they're just regular folk who've bought into the governments plan to be afraid of the unknown so that's why they pay lots of big bucks to get those big trucks. They're just afraid, that's all, they're just afraid."

Harper Refuses to Be Accountable on Accountability

"On account of my Accountability Act I will never be held accountable to you or any liberal senator"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Prime Minister Harpo was pretty pissed off at being questioned in front of the Canadian Senate, the first time in history, on his Accountability Act. The Prime Minister swore heads were going to roll of anyone who stands in the way of him ramming the legislature through the House of Commons.

The Harpoville Post reports that once any amendments were suggested to his Accountability Bill, by any opposition party, Harpo was ready to force a non-convidence vote throwing the country back into another election. Harpo's thinking another election will put his Conservative Party into a majority position rather than a minority position may likely blow up in his face as Canadian's are sick and tired of the Conservative Party's constant need for gradification by calling another election. With Harpo's close ties with U.S. President, G.W. Bush, and the increasing Canadian body count showing signs of being the anchor that will pull his plans for Canadian electoral domination into the gutter where it belongs.

Paris Blows L.A.'s Finest

"You're just a bunch of Nazi's, no wait the Nazi's were the other guy's. O'shit I can never get that right."

The Harpoville Post reports that tempers flaired in tinsel town as the noted airis Paris blew past her alluded tea spoon of alcool, while she's on her purging diet, and pushed the needle into the red to get arrested. Cops clocked the airy-one doing 55 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone which aroused police suspicion as they sat at a popular L.A. police deli. One arresting office told the Harpoville Post; "That arian princess thought she could slide under our radar well, I was born in Duseldorf yesterday."

The Harpoville Post has learned that although there are no reports of Paris calling the arresting officers "Jews who are the blame for all the wars", the police aren't taking any changes at another Hollywood hot-shot trying to deny the holocaust happened. The Harpoville Post spoke to Captain Hyrum Schneider's and he had this to say; "De's hot-shot kid's and der' fast German car's. Did you know Mercedez built the ovens in Auschwitz, well, that's what I heard. Anyway this litte leahman a getch who caused this schande an a chappah really has some baitsim to try this in my town. Here she's just another goya with a tipsky."

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Bush Is Confident We're Not Safe

"I know it's been five years, but really, nothings changed"

The Harpoville Post reports that with the fifth anniversary of 9/11 just days away U.S. President G.W. Bush confirms America's no safer now than then. With the Congressional race moving into high gear for the November election what is coming out of the horses mouth won't do much to ensure confidence let alone an easy win. With the Republician strangle hold on America slipping away faster than the last breath of the Crocodile Hunter the President is using fear as the motivator to lure sobering American voters to stay in the Republician camp.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the desire for war in Canada is starting to show signs of desent as some MP's are finally pulling up their socks and demanding at least a debate about the growing number of dead Canadian soldiers being loaded out of Canadian military aircraft in the dead of night. With four dead in as many days since this month began the seeds of unrest have been sown, though whether they sprout or not depends on oppositons insistence towards change. With one dead, on near dead and six more wounded Canadian soldiers by their old friend "Friendly Fire", even hard core freedom fighting Canadian Conservatives must at least be keeping count. With 4 Billion spend on war, all on military and none on rebuilding Afghanistan and over 30 Canadians dead since the Conservatives have taken office even Prime Minister Harper must be seeing the error in hitching his wagon so close to G.W. Bush's falling star

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Conservatives Jusy Say 'Maybe' in Vancouver

Clement "Yes, No, Maybe!...... O'hell I haven't been told what to think yet"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Minister of UnHealth Tony Clement just can't get off the fence when it comes to making a decission about Vancouver's safe injection site so, he's decided not to decide. Vancouver's very successful safe injection site for Heroin users was set to close September 12 but can remain open for 3 1/2 more years if the Conservative's would stop being so Conservative and stop being afraid of what people may or may not think. Clement decided not to decide and has allowed the site to stay open till December 31 of next year while, while, while they think about.

The Harpoville Post spoke to one of the sites officials who said; "I can't believe that a Government who sends young men and woman into battle into the worst Heroin ridden country in the world and thinks that some of them will not come back with a monkey on their back. History has proved that both America and Russia brought home soldiers addicted to Heroin after major military conflicts. It was the reason Russia couldn't win in Afghanistan. Now they're ready to say once you people return with drug problems there may or may not the help you need on the street and anything more than a pamphlet saying 'Just Say No After We Say Maybe'."

The Harpoville Post also spoke to Mr. Clement and he had this to say; "It's hard to make decisions when there is so much at stake, like our political future. And although the Vancouver Police Department don't want it there doesn't mean it hasn't been successful at helping Heroin addicks by giving them free needles so to cut down on the spread of HIV we know these are good things but, when you voting base is a bunch of hay-seeds who have never been out of Bum-Fuck Sask.. and seen how bad the drug and AIDS problems are in our major cities it makes it hard for a minority elected Conservative Government to have the balls to remove that fence post, we keep firmly planted up or asses, so we never have to make a major decission like this, thank you."

Friday, September 01, 2006

Tory's Poll For Made in Canada Plan

"We poll so polling Canadians will prove our agenda is the right one to get us re-elected"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Conservatives environmental policies, set to be released to the public this fall, was asked of the public this past summer through their over-use of polls. The Tory's who refuse to admit they govern by polls was caught red-handed this summer asking Canadian's what should be done as far as the environment in concerned. Since the Harpo Government has come under fire to at least have a Environmental policy, whether they follow through with it or not is another matter, but, with no money for environmental issues and all money for war Harpo has resorted to seeking love not answers.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the heavily Conservative leaning Strategic Counsel polling group asked 75 Canadians what, if anything, do they think about the Environment. Since the results are yet to be released for their "Made in Canada" plan all this polling makes one wonder if the Harpo Government will rename it "Ask a Canadian" plan. Since the Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose ministry has been stripped of more than 80 Million dollars it was suprising they had enough money in the kitty to cough a hair-ball up for this poll which is likly to be a no more than an attempt to sway Canadian voters to their side of the fence and do nothing to improve the environment for all Canadians.

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