Canadian Troops Buy Their Own Coffee

"Hot coffee and sugary treats in 110 degree heat"

The Harpoville Post reports that it is good news for Canada's fighting forces in Kandahar Afghanistan as the mega coffee and donut chain Tim Hortons opened its first outlet in that region. Tim Hortons promise neither scorching summer sun or road side bomb will stop them from serving up over priced cafinated brown water and fattening sugary treats to our fighting forces, that is for a price, it seems this service isn't free. Wherever Tim Hortons goes it's business as usual.

The Harpoville Post has learned that in previous wars the USO and Red Cross would give out free coffee and donuts to our fighting forces just to show our thanks but, it seems those days are over. Now our freedom fighting forces will have to hand over their hard earned Canadian curency for a taste of home but, they have to switch to American greenbacks first. No word if Tim is offering a currency exchance kiosk.

"Were here to server hot coffee and fatty dough to help boost moral in the hot Afghani desert."

The Harpoville Post reports that the desire for good cup of hot coffee in the desert hasn't slowed down one soldier who after having both his legs blown off by a roadside bomb still managed to hobble on down and wait in the long line for his daily double-double dose

Now that's freedom and democracy Tim Horton style.

America Considers Alberta Unsecured

"Canada considers Ralph Klein insecure"

The Harpoville Post reports that Alberta preimere Ralph Klein is looking for love in all the wrong places as he and the Alberta "Love Me" committee journeyed to Washington DC this week to hold an old fashion Alberta "love in". It seems, now Ralph is nearing the end of his 100 year reign over that province, his level of insecurity is sky rocketing as is his dance card and expense account to travel down and show America who's full of gas.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Ralph, like Prime Minister Harpo is lead by polls and has been out polling Americans to show them how stupid they are when it comes to where their gas and oil comes from. In one of Alberta's recent American polls 38% of our dim witted neighbours to the south think they're gas comes from Saudi Arabia. "This dolts have no idea how important I am." Klein was overheard remarking to no one in particular. In another Alberta/America poll 41% of Americans said they would pay more money for gas and oil knowing it came from Alberta. "I guess it's time to up the price." King Klein muttered under his breath while a room full of Americans ignored him.

The Harpoville Post reports that there was one group polled that did not let Ralph's words go unheeded and this group is starting to question why, if so much of America's oil and natural gas comes from this Alberta, as he calls it, are we letting a numb-skull like Klein handle it.

Star Jones Disappears Right On TV

"She was here a minute ago, did anyone see Star?"

The Harpoville Post reports of the unsighting of View star Star Jones right on live pre-taped TV. Star, Star was reported to have been there one minute and gone the next from the nationally syndicated TV talk show The View. In her ninth season of the show star, Star, star'd as the large star at the end of the row of women but, over the last few years she was seen in a slow diminishing capacity. It is said around Hollywood that star Star's star was fading fast.

The Harpoville Post spoke to a Hollywood insider who told us, "Everyone loved star Star when she started on The View, she was a big, brassy black woman and everyone just loved that. Then a few years back she really went over the top when she married some skinny little banker at that glitzy wedding of hers. I swear they were rumors she sold tickets to it. Then star Star started sheddings the pounds, soon she wasn't big, she wasn't brassy, God, she was barely black."

Rush Limbaugh Unable to Stand Straight

"Rush Limpaugh always coming up short."

The Harpoville Post reports that news of Americian Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh detained at the West Palm Beach airport for drug violations paints another color to this sad saga of Rush's dependency. The "all knowing, all seeing, purveyor of truth" Limbaugh has once again been caught with his fingers in the candy jar.

The Harpoville Post has learned that just months after Rush was let off of drug trafficing and charges of doctor shopping which is illegally going from doctor to doctor to fill Rush's desire for 'HillBilly Heroin' he has now found a new juice to quench his thirst Viagra. It seems Rush's inability to stand up straight has him roaming the country side once again from doctor to doctor for the little blue pill cure.

The Harpoville Post reports that as multi-millionaire Limbaugh's private jet landed in West Palm after a weekend get away in the Dominican immigration officials examined Rush's bags and found a bottle of Viagra, which isn't against the law in America, that is, as long as your name is on the bottle. Unfortunatly for Rush the 'daddy's little helpers' were prescribed to his doctor by another doctor which in any country is a no, no. Rush was detained for five hours before being released to limp home knowing that dido'd charges will soon to be in the mail.

O'Connor Caught in Consortium Crossfire

"Of course they're my friends and I look after my friends at any cost"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Lack of Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, is going coast to coast to cloat of the Conservative committment to the military announced last week by the new Government. With 15 Billion promised for trucks, planes, ships and helicopters O'Connor couldn't wait to spread the news to shell shocked Canadians, once they see what little you get, militarily speaking, for 15 Billion, and to his old employer Stewart & Stevenson that the cheque is in the mail.

The Harpoville Post has learned that although some of the funds are being bid on some are not and with Stewart & Stevenson sitting on the side lines waiting for the cheques promised by their old loyal lobbist O'Connor this has some Ottawa eye brows rising to the occasion But, surprisingly this is what O'Connor doesn't seem to have a problem with. As a paid lobbist from 2003 to 2004 O'Connor knows what the company offers and that is what is coming under question. It seems O'Connor's military wish list was cut from the Stewart & Stevenson catalog and this has opposition MP's calling for his resignation from the bidding process and if not from the government.

The Political Tory Pigs are at The Trough

"Liberal Red or Tory Blue these pigs come to fill their pockets this much is true"

The Harpoville Post reports that when the new Conservative Government returns in the fall they'll have more to look forward too, about 20% more. It seems they've already forgotten, or ignored, the sins of the last Liberal Government, they spent so much time pointing out, then once they're in office it's piggy's to the trough as usual.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the last order of business in Ottawa, this past Parliamentry session, was to secretly vote themselves a increase in a bigger cost of living allowance. Now come September, when they go back to work, they'll have $2,000. a month to spend on wine, dine and shelter. It is hard to imagine how these poor souls squeak by but, now word is leaking out the most of the new Conservative MP's just can't do it and now they need more.

The Harpoville Post reports that a Canadian member of Parliaments salary has risen 34% since the year 2000 to the, just above the poverty, level of $147,000 a year. It's hard to imagine any voted public official that has increased his take home that much is such a short time and stand there justifing it as a cost of sticking to the taxpayer. And, although some MP's stand and claim they make more than enough they all vote 'yes', pickup their cheques and slip quietly out the back door.

Warren Buffett A Rich Man Becomes Richer

"I won't live forever and I won't let the US Government get it"

The Harpoville Post reports that Warren Buffett, deemed the second richest man in the world with an estimated wealth of 44 Billion dollars is giving most of it away. News of Mr. Buffett's incredible generosity socked the stock market, whose usual act of catch and not release has left many in that industry confused.

The Harpoville Post spoke to an stunned stock piller who said, "I can't believe it, he was like a God to me, to all of us. How could just go and give it all away and to what a, a, a charity. ...... I need to be alone."

The Harpoville Post has learned that Mr. Buffett will give away 36 Billion, of his 44 Billion dollars to the Susan Thompson Foundation, named after his late wife, which gives millions to hospitals, universities, teachers, Planned Parenthood and other obortion rights groups. Next month regular stock options will be donated to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation that helps to fight HIV, malaria and tuberculouis through disease and population control.

God Praises Harper for Arrival

"Harper "God is even happy I am here"

The Harpoville Post
Sunday Sermon

The Harpoville Post is so pleased to announce the joyous reception that was bestowed our grand leader Harpo as he capped off his two day visit to St. Joseph De Beauce Quebec yesterday. A standing room only mob of near 200 Harpoites all gladly wearing their Harpo Devotion Braclets, stood in a park to see our gallant leader off.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Mayor forgot to fly any Canadian flags for the PM's visit to this town of 5000 except for a small child who held up a combination Canadian American flag to show his love for our leader. But, when Harpo security saw the flag they quickly rushed the child wrestling him to the ground, subduing him and dragged him away crying. Then asked about the incident later, a Harpo spokesperson said that Harpo wishes that the new flag not be flown until it is officially unvieled next year. Shortly after the Mayor commented that this was the first non-Quebec born Prime Minister to visit his town. the Harpoville Post notes that Harpo is the first non-Quebec born Prime Minister since Lester B. Pearson to hold the job for this long.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Conservatives won 8 of the 10 seats in that riding and most found it strange when Harpo said they planned to win twice as many seats in the next election. That would mean 16 seats out of the posible 1o avaiable, a Harpo spokesperson later admitted that Prime Minister Harpo is not good with numbers.

Hells Angles Amassing at The Border

"Police aren't sure if they're coming or going"

The Harpoville Post reports that 500 Hells Angles meeting in on Canada's bordertown with America, Windsor Ontario, have police confused whether they're planning an attack on America. Across from the sleepy little bordertown of Windsor lies Detroit Mich. and the Hells Angles massing alone Canada's shores with America leaves police wondering whether The Angles plan to take over the Motor City.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the dreaded motorcycle group whose history dates back to the 1950's in California and has, for sometime, been gaining strength and numbers north of the 49th. parrell. All of which has caused much alarm and worry to Canada's law enforcment who is still in turmoil over a mass murder some months back of 8 Bandito Motorcycle enthousasts. Police also fear the Angles are grouping in Windsor to pick up the slack left behind in that areas local drug trade.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the only incident reported was an bar fight outside a local strip club where a member of Hells Angles accused a Mich. man of insulting a stripper by calling her miss and offering to buy her a drink. "That's no way to treat a stripper" was overheard shouted just before a fight broke out in which one man was taken to hospital and four to jail.

Stephen Harper Afraid Of Getting AIDS

"Stephen A. Harper, the A. stands for Afraid"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Prime Minister Harpo has refused an invitation to speak at the opening ceremonies of the world AIDS conference which is to be held in Toronto this coming August. The conference will be attended by world leaders, scientist, journalists and AIDS activists and that's what Harpo is afraid of. Though it has been rumored that Bill Clinton and Bill Gates will attend, that has yet to be confirmed. Word of the Prime Minister's decision even suprised Harpo's media spokesperson, Sandra Bunkler, who was not informed of Harpo's intent to duck out of his Prime Ministerial duties.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Prime Minister is said to be so deathly afriad of catching the disease he bathes in disinfectant. Harpo's desire to rid the planet of gays, which he blames for the AIDS virus, has been hinted at for years though his association with the Reform Party and the Calgary School. Harpo's plan to duck and run as far away as possible from the event has some wondering how this will look for a man who wants to perceived a world leader.

George Michael's Out Of The Toilet Tour

The Haropoville Post
Entertainment Report

The Harpoville Post reports that George Michael is heading out on tour for the first time in 15 years. Though George has regularly been spotted performing in bath houses and public toilets over the past few years it is the first time he has taken his show on the road since 1991.

The Harpoville Post has learned that so far George Michael fans love the idea with over 600,000 tickets sold in advance for his 47 city tour. Wow! George is playing some really big toilets. There is no word yet about adding any more dates or cities to the tour but, that is expect to be revised penting arrests and court dates.

Karzai Pleads to Stop The Slaughter

"I don't care who the fuck they are just stop the killing"

The Harpoville Post reports that Afghanistan Prime Minister Hamid Karzai has plead with American/Canadian led troops to stop the killing in his country. A hugh increase in young Afghani deaths in the last week has brought the death toll to 600 insurgents but, that doesn't count the innocent woman and children caught in the middle.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Prime Minister Hamid Karzai doesn't care if coalition troops say that many of the 600 may be Taliban he wants it stopped. "I don't care if these are Taliban or not. In the last few weeks 600 young Afghani's, the sons of our country have died and I want it stopped."

The Harpoville Post reports that America has announced 4 American soliders have died and 6 Canadian soldiers were wounded this week in Afghanistan.

Rats on an Environmental Sinking Ship

Ambrose "I made you I can break you in two"

The Harpoville Post reports that life in the environmental lime light took another tarnishing turn for the worst as the Minister of Environmental Disasters, Rona Ambrose, saw one of her chief advisors jumped ship. Ambrose's chief of staff Daniel Bernier saw the SS Ambrose sailing off onto rocky shores and got smart and got the hell off.

The Harpoville Post has learned that after the Sierra Club gave the Canadian Conservatives a failing grade on everything environmental and so verbally noted that under Rona's direction that ship is way off course, the NDP now is crying for Ambrose to get her act together and do us all a favor and quit. Ambrose is facing mounting hostility as the Conservative slash and burn their way through Canada's reputation as one of the most environmentally caring countries in the world.

The Harpoville Post reports that Ambrose claims she's only doing what the previous Liberal Government is doing, which is nothing, so why complain. Maybe Mr. Bernier was feeling an inability to do anything useful since the Harpo Government has raped that Ministery of all its useful cash. The word is that Canada's Environmental Ministery can barely afford it's staff salaries let alone paper clips and any extra cash to fund any of Canada's or for that matter Kyodo's Environmental concerns.

Placebo Pedometers Prove Problematic

"These things don't work until you get off your ass and sometimes they don't work even if you do"

The Harpoville Post reports that Pedometers, or step counters, used in a recent Canadian health study proved ineffective in providing accurate medical information. The study group gave 1000 cheaper or less expensive Pedometers and even placebo Pedometers to willing participants and the data received from the devices was not good.

The Harpoville Post has learned that doctors have concluded that placebo Pedometers do not work so it was a waste of time even handing these things out. Of the inexpensive or cheaper Pedometers the doctors came away with inaccurate data. The Harpoville Post spoke to Dr. P. Ennis who told us, "The 1000 willing study participants were given some good and some not so good Pedometers to measure how much they walked in a day. When the study concluded the data was analyzed and we came to the conclusion that weather you get a cheap or placebo device or you get a very expensive Pedometer they're inefficiency to work is equal to the inefficiency of the participant to get off they're ass and walk out the door."

Crazed Kitty is Calculating Killer

"It's certain to be curtains for this cute Connecticut kitten"

The Harpoville Post reports that the mean streets of Bridgeport Connecticut won't seem so mean now Lewis the Cat is safely behind bars and the good folk there can thank the long claws of the law for that. It seems this visious feline has been out on the prowl for neighbour, attacking at least a half a dozen including an Avon lady, which most people know is not an easy kill.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Lewis has a mean streak a mile wide when it comes to humans and most of his neighbours want him locked up for good. The Harpoville Post spoke to Lewis's owner, one Ruth Cisero who said, "Lewis is an adorable little kitty and a lovable member of our family. Sure he may get a little bit rough when he plays but, what kitty hasn't been accused of that."

The Harpoville Post spoke also to head of dangerous animal control for the Bridgeport area, Carl Cuddles, also know as 'Dog' and he told us, "You see it's my job, my lot in life, as it were, to hunt down these menizens of these mean streets that, sure they may have been led astray by getting hooked on too much k-nip or maybe they were weaned a little too early but, that's for the shrinks to decide, me I'm just doing my job."

The Harpoville Post reports there is no word what will happen to Lewis, if he is found guilty but, the good people of Bridgeport will breath a little easier knowing this vacuous, vicious predator, this calculating carnivious craving killkenny cat, this frisky little flesh eating Felis, won't be out on the loose preying on them any longer.

India's Rent-a-Wife Catching On

"For $175 a month she'll cook, she'll clean, she'll dance the hoochie-coo"

The Harpoville Post reports that a shortage of wives in India has started a boom in another way, the rent-a-wife trade. It seems India's male desire for 'the little woman' has left some with, some without and some with just cashing in.

The Harpoville Post has learned that some husbands in India have decided to have their cake and eat it too when it comes to being married and knowing a lull in any market can drive the price up and these cash hungry Hindus are cashing in on this bullish market. Some men are renting they're wives to other men for as much as $175 US a month which is nothing to sneeze at when you consider the average farm wage in that country sits at the $22 per. month range. So, the rent-a-wife service is like they've died and gone to Hindu heaven.

The Harpoville Post reports that after years of forgoing female fetuses for male masculinity has left that country's he to she ratio slightly askew and with prostitution illegal in India rent-a-wife brokers are popping up like poppies in Afghanistan to help pick up the slack and fill an ever widing hungry void. Now it seems once again the haves are shelling out to the have-nots.

The Harpoville Post has also learned that although these have-nots with will still be doing without as word of the find-a-bride brokers are slicing their pie far from the bone and has them collecting as much as $1520 for a suitable female bride-to-be but, only handing back $435 to her family.

Harper's Inability to Keep it Up

"Flag debate keeps Harper limp"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo decission to refuse reporters attendance and to not drop the Canadian flag to half mast has him wishing for the good old days when all he did was criticize the opposition. Now, Hapro finds himself under the microscope at every turn of the wheel and it's showing as a slump in his flag pole.

The Harpoville Post has learned the Prime Ministers office was awash with angry cards, letters and emails for weeks after the P.M.'s decission to follow G.W.Bush's advice and divert, by any means nessasary, all attention from flag drapped caskets once they start to arrive at the baggage claim. That decission was delivered, not by the limp Harpo but, by his old war horse and Minister of Defenseless Acts Gordon O'Connor, no relation the Donald, who's cold heart and icy breath did nothing to warm the hearts of confused conservative voting Canadians who suddenly felt, the old Talkin Heads line "This is not my beautiful house" come home the roost. Now, through the freedom of information act, one loop hole Harpo has yet to back fill, Canadians have found out how much pull voters have once push comes to shove and the people speak through their electronic mediums.

The Haproville Post reports that Old Steve'o has backslid and has decided that OK we will droop the flag to half mast, now even the parents of the 15 fallen have stepped up to the mic and voiced their outrage. Though the flag will droop to Harpo height there is still no word if pictures will be allowed for dramatic display.

Americans Astonished America Plays Soccer

"We had no idea we knew how to play that game"

The Harpoville Post
Sport Report

The Harpoville Post reports that Americans all over America woke up to the astonishing news that America was in the world cup. No one was more shocked than Americans themselves when they heard the news that the American soccer team tied Italy in the 1 to 1 game finally at the World Cup Soccer competition in Kaisersalutern Germany.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the US came back after an earlier defeat of 3 to 0 against the Czech Republic. This one point against the Itialians makes a milestone in Soccer history as it's the first point ever scored by the Americans in a World Cup against the five top favored countries Italy, France, England, Spain and Germany. America now advances to meet Ghana this coming Thursday.

Canada's Gay Marriage Travel Bureau

"This one is going to piss off a lot of Conservatives"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada, North America's gay marriage capital, is giving the big push to America's gay marriage minded folk and that message is, 'Get in while you can the water is just super'. With Canada slowly going the way of bigger goose stepping Conservative Governments the writting is on the wall which way the pendulum will swing when it comes to gay marriage once the Conservative hay-seeds crack open that can of worms this coming fall and try their hands at turning back the hands of old mother time.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Canadian Tourism Commision has decided to use the time wisely by advertising in most major American cities that Canada is the place to be when thinking gay matrimony. With $300,000 in the kitty the C.T.C. should woo a whole wack of prenuptial packing gays north of the 49th. for one last chance to cash in on this current Canadian craze.

The Harpoville Post suggests the C.T.C. spend that money quick before Harpo's gay banning foot soldiers start filling in the cracks and start calling in loans to end Canada become the gay marriage mega Mecca of the world.

Two Tales From The World of Wack

"Its hard to get weirder than this"

The Harpoville Ports reports that traveling to the land of weird usually means just setting your sites to the south and this time it is no exception. First we have this tale of Time, Alofa's Time's tale, that is.

"Alofa's Time runs out"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Alofa Time, 51 of Boise Idaho, was spotted driving his pickup truck quite erratically, as was noted by the Boise Police Department, when he lost control of his truck, crashing head on into a oncoming vehicle killing it's female driver and her four year old daughter and sending Mr. Time's wife, Theresa's severed head through the windshield of his pickup and bouncing down the US interstate road.

The Harpoville Post reports that police later recovered the rest of Theresa Time's remains back at the Time's hacienda. There is no word yet of the cause of her death but, police suspect decapitation had a lot to do with it.

"Can I prove my love by running down the street naked"

The Harpoville Post reports that a desperate marriage minded man in Ann Arbor Mich. whose marriage proposal got a little out of control when he decided to get a little out of his clothes and hit the streets. When the 28 year old Mich. man went down on bended knee to propose to the love of his life she, sensing something wasn't quite right, hesitated and soon found out why. At that point, the man, to prove his desire, tore off his clothes and went running through the quite Ann Arbor neighborhood buck naked. It wasn't long before he spotted and was spotted by a couple out for a quite evenings strool. The young man quickly ducked behind some bushes but was flushed out by the man, with the date, who pulled out a gun and demanded the naked man show himself at which the naked man ran like hell. A chase unsued and shots fired at the feeling man in his birthday suit who fell to the ground with injuries more to his pride than any wounded extremities. The armed man was arrested and charged with carrying a concealed weapon. The naked man was charged for carrying a revealed weapon and was released by police with a new suit of clothes and a severe tongue lashing, once he was dressed.

Home Depot is French for The Pot House

" It's true, The Home Depot really has everything"

The Harpoville Post reports that a plumper from Massachusetts scored big on a recent renovations project. It seems when he went into his local Home Depot to buy a bathroom vanity he didn't realize it came with everything one needs to see the job through. When the plumber got the box home and opened it up he found 40 pounds of pot and 3 grams of cocaine.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the unnamed plumber decided to return his purchase to the Home Depot store and that's when the police were notified. The Harpoville Post spoke to a representive of the company and he had this to say, "We may have the word pot in our name and it is true that some of our employees walk around in their orange aprons like they're stoned out of their gourd but, the Home Depot does not sell drugs or for that matter include drugs with a purchase of one of our fine non-drug filled vanity sets. That said, in the future if the government ever did allow drugs to be sold then yes Home Depot would be the number one place to purchase all your home renovation and marijuana needs."

The Harpoville Post reports that the police repoted that they have found another vanity set filled with drugs but, have yet to mention the location of that find. One suspects that there will be alot of vanity sets sold, opened and returned to The Home Depot this coming week.

Stephen Harper's Strange Bed Fellows

"How'd I get hooked up with these assholes?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo's past is catching up with him as the good summer weather is bring out the bad in his party and the nuts from his past. With reports of his MP's acting out by giving the 'Italian Salute' (that's the one where you make a fist with your right hand and slap your left palm against the wrist of your right hand while bring that arm up) to Liberals in the House of Commons and mocking the Speaker of House behind his back. And as if all this hasn't left Harpo feeling like he's invited his weird cousins to the big wedding now a new book by an old friend of the Reform and Alliance party is going to be enough to make him soon seek for some sweet summer solstice.

"Was it the heat or some rare diease?"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Conservative MP Colin Carrie, Jacques Gourde and Pierre Poilievre were caught on House of Commons cameras making rude and mocking gestures to fellow MP's and the Speaker of the House. All three members have said they're sorry's and say their antics were misinterpreted, by claiming 'Fuck You' means hello in Alberta. The Conservative Party is down playing the "Italian Fuck You Salute" incident and Harpo has refused to make any mention of it, except to say he's thinking of removing those cameras from Commons.

The Harpovilee Post reports that if Harpo's friends in power weren't weird enough along comes his old pal Larry Spencer (kuson to Kevin) and his tattle tale tell all book on why Harpo doesn't return his calls anymore. It seems Larry Spencer, a Baptist Pastor, and who at one time was an up and coming MP in the new Stephen Harper Conservative/Reform/Alliance party, that is until he let his and the parties true feelings slip out one night, maybe after too much wine, to pre-expose the parties true feeling on gay's. You see, Larry let it be known that they're all devil worshippers and said that 'Gods little fuck ups would all be rotting in prison if it were up to him'. That's the Christan spirt Larry. Needless to say, the book exposes the meeting and conversation that was held between Stephen, Larry and a few others, shortly after that incident, at which Stephen explained that telling the truth is not the way to dupe Canadians and win votes in Canada. Shortly after that meeting Larry was sent to the minors and has been waiting patiently by the phone for that call from Harpo to suit up and step up to the plate. Needless to say Larry's a little bitter and hurt and feels a might smitten by one he now feels is un-smitten-worth and he's decided to re-enter the game with a different stratagy. Only time will tell if it's a winner.

FEMA Made a Woman Out Of Me

"And I had enough left over for a night out on the town"

The Harpoville Post reports that as hurricane season comes rolling in like a bat-out-of-Hell(compliments of Meat Loaf) so does the bill for last years FEMA fiasco and the question is;

"Can America afford another hurricane season?"

The Harpoville Post has learned that the American disaster relief agency, FEMA, is in need of diaster relief of it's own. A new reports states that up to 1.4 Billion dollars was wasted on bogus claims after Katrina. From 70 days in an Hawaiian Hotel to paying prison inmates are some of the scams recently uncovered.

The Harpoville Post reports that FEMA can not account for 750 debit cards equaling $1.5 Million or if these cards ever made it to the victims of Katrina. Though the report does state some of the items paid for by the FEMA issued debit cards, items like; a week long Carribean vacation, 5 season tickets to the New Orleans Saints football team, Dom Perignon champagne and other alcoholic beverages in San Antonio Texas, "Girls Gone Wild" video tapes in California and one man used FEMA assasitance money for a female sex change.

The Harpville Post has learned that one individual used 13 different Social Security numbers to collect $139,000 and had it all delivered to the same address. So far, the FEMA agency has identifed $16.8 Million in improperly awarded claims and is licking their wounds trying to recoup while prepairing another killer hurricane season.

Conservatives Refuse To Cut Oil Profits

"They work hard for our money we should be giving them more"

The Harpoville Post reports that Finance Minister Jim Flaherty refuses to cut into the huge oil profits being reaped by Canadian oil companies. A request from the Sierra Legal Defence Fund to end the 1.4 Billion in tax breaks given to the highly profitable oil companies every year has fallen on deaf Conservative 'oil filled' ears.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Mr. Flaherty has no desire to cut into the 27 billion dollars in profits, after taxes, made by the Canadian oil companies last year. Mr Flaherty told The Harpoville Post, "The desire of this government is do not disrupt the meger profits made by the Canadian oil industery as it struggles to stay afloat in these, $70. a barrel, hard times."

68% of Canadians Think About Sex With Children

The Harpoville Post
New Poll Monday

The Harpoville Post reports that just as the sun comes out every morning throughout this wonderful world, here in Canada, the conservative government releases a new poll every Monday morning and today is no exception. As reported previously in the Harpoville Post the Harpo Government plans to raise the age of consent in Canada from 14 to 16 because, it seems, Canadians can't stop thinking about underage sex.

The Harpoville Post has learned that whopping 68 % of Canadians think about sex with minors under 16. The poll reveals that in all of Canada 71% of British Columbians thought about it the most and the least were in Quebec with only 51% of that province thinking about under age sex. Thoughts on the subject, gender-wise, were suprisingly the strongest from women out thinking men on the subject 68% to 61%. With these results it shows that the Harpo Governments strong swing to the right and more 'conservative' values may meet with some resistance as this new poll reveals that although most Canadians may be potty trained they can't seem to keep their minds out of the toilet.


The real Poll Results:

#1 Pedophilla 81% against, 19% are for(these people quickly ended the phone poll with the phase, "How did you get my number?"

#2 Extra-marital sex 74% against, 26% fantasize about it.

#3 Prostitution 68% against, 32% frequent.

#4 Not mentioned

#5 Age of consent between minors 68% care, 32% like to watch

Only 34% of pollers disapproved of abortion and 31% disapproved of gay marriage and these are two items the Stephen Harpo Government along with Charles McVety plan to do away with.

Terrorist Polls Top Tory Polls

"Canadians believe there is a better chance of getting blown up by terrorist than electing a majority Conservative Government"

The Harpoville Post reports that it took just one week, seven short days, to turn Canada into fear loving America. A new poll just released says that 70% of Canadians believe Muslim terrorists will blow up something Canadian real soon. The Poll, always accurate plus or minus 15%, didn't reveal what questions were asked of Canadians to receive these results.

The Harpoville Post has learned that 71% of Canadians believe we'll be attacked by terrorists but, only 34% said that Canadian troops in Afghanistan had anything to do with it and 48% of Canadians support the troops fighting in Aghanistan. So, these poll results read another way would mean that 29% of Canadians do not believe a terrorist attack is on the way, 66% say Canadian troops in Afghanistan do have something to do with this sudden rise in Canadian terrorists threats and 52% of Canadians do not supports sending Canadian troops to Afghanistan to fight in an American run war.

The Harpoville Post would just like to state that in just 130 days of Stephen Harper led Conservative minority government rule Canada has gone from a peaceful integrated country into a terrified terrorists fearing mirror of that country to our south. But, on the plus side, the dollar is up and that will be good for buying weapons and more polls.

Toronto's Group of 17 Terrorist Stock Tips

Terrorist Tip "Buy low, blow sky high"

The Harpoville Post reports spectulation on terrorist stock tips are running rampant throughout the TSX, Toronto Stock Exchange, as news of one prosperous terrorist from the 'Group of 17' had planned to invest heavily into the TSX. The crown suspects that suspected terrorists, Shareef Abdelhallen a computer programmer from Mississauga spoke of investing in the TSX and then blowing it up. Though it isn't clear to anyone how Mr. Abdelhallen would have profited from such action since all TSX information is on computer and not really at the downtown Toronto TSX building.

"It seems some parts of the plan weren't worked out yet"

The Harpoville Post has learned that there is no word on how the suspected Group of 17 member, Shareef Abdelhallen was going to sneak in the 2 to 3 tons of fertilizer needed to blow up the building but, one reporter suggested he just needed to detonate all the shit that's all ready in the Toronto Stock Exchange.

Muslims Cry For Calm & Harpers Hat Size

"While the U.S. Border Patrol points out the best ways for terrorists to enter the United States"

The Harpoville Post suspects that with all recent news of terrorists captured in Canada and big time important ones killed in Iraq one would thing we could ease off on the fear fever switch at least for a few days, but, alas that's not the case. Every fear specialist is seeking their day in the sun as terroists TV Time is at an all time premium and their lining up at the posts.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Canada's Muslim communities are feeling the effects of last weekends Jihad round up of Toronto's terrorists cell, Canada's 'Group of 17'. Mosques have been plummeted with rocks and brown is the new black as terrorized Canadians seek someone to blame for Canada being thrust into terrorist TV Time.

The Harpoville Post reports that America's fear flinging Republicians are seeking cutting Canada's terrorists train to the states by noosing the border tighter than a Pam Anderson top. The United States Border Patrol went so far as to point out all the easy access points to America thru the snow covered ski trails of Vermont. Republican John Hostettler from Indiana, a state that doesn't even touch Canada, is calling for a tighter Canadian border saying, "We can't trust a country like Canada who isn't as afraid as we are." The paraniod Hostettler got a lot of help from Canadian David Harris, a former CSIS employee who was paid handsomely to show up in Washington yesterday to feed Americian fears about Canada. The equally fearfull Harris said, "Canada takes in 3 to 4 times the amount of the worlds poor refugees than America does, not counting all your 20 Million illegal Mexicans. We are in a life and death struggle a race against time." The last comment made little sense but, brought thunderous applause from the mostly Republican house.

The Harpoville Post feels it's lynching time in America as the Republicans seek reelection in Congress and suggests to anyone, any other color than white, to stay away from the US border, at least till all the fear filling has calmed in that country. Unfortunatly the rise of fear also flourishs here in Canada as spring may be blooming but, storm clouds can be seen gathering on the southern horizon.

American Indonesian Indecency Crusade

"Can you see a difference? I can't see a difference"

The Harpoville Post reports that the United States Congress has successfully passed Bill 379-35 which will see fines for indecency go from $32,500 to $325,000. The Republician held Congress easily passed the bill, which is expected to get the President's signature and be passed into law.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Bill 379-35 was in retaliation to the 2004 Super Bowl incident that saw Janet Jackson's breast beamed around the world at that years Super Bowl game. the new higher priced fines can be inforced by the FCC, Federal Communication Commission, to any of the 13,000 radio station and 1,700 TV stations through out the U.S. In 2003 the FCC laid fines amounting to $440,000, that amount jumped to 8 Million dollars in 2004.

"It's all about control"

The Harpoville Post reports just as the American Christian controled ultra-conservative Congress tries to control what is seen and heard over the US airwaves the Indonesian Muslim ultra-conservative group Islamic Defenders Front is attacking what is seen by Muslims in their country.

The Harpoville Post has learned that as the second edition of Playboy magazine is released in Indonesia the Islamic Defenders are expected to take to the streets again in protest. Playboy's first edition was a near sell out as copies were torn from news stands and burned in angry protest. The new 160 page edition was released with slight alterations to it's US sister in that it had no pictures of naked women and blank pages were advertising would have gone had the advertisers not been too afriad of the Islamic Defenders cry for retaliation.

The Harpoville Post finds it ironic that in two different countries in the world, run by two different religious doctrines, the near same act is being played out for supposedly the same reason and that is to control what is being seen by their naive countrymen.

Broker Jim Whitehouse Raped In Court

"Would $200 be worth having sex with this guy"

The Harpoville Post reports that Calgary broker Jim Whitehouse tried to sue his former employer, RBC, for wrongful dismisal when he brought a crackhead hooker into his office and then left her there overnight was settled with Jim being deamed an idoit by the courts. It seems that Whitehouse claimed that the hooker was a potential client and that he was trying to explain to her market fluxuations when a sudden dip in his market caused it to crash, leaving Jim with insufficient funds to cover his lackless expenditures then a sudden clarification of Jim's situation left Jim feeling funerable at his sudden losses and calculating his predicament he ran like hell from the building.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Cassandra Stolarchuck, a 29 year old admitted crackhead and hooker and she told us, "I met Jim on the street and he said he had a 'big' deal in the making and asked if I want to get in on it. I said to him sure but, it'll cost you $200 bucks so, he said OK. So, we go up to his downtown office and he wants me to do him like he's in the middle of this big, big deal and I's say 'yea sure what ever', so's we's doing it right? I'm down on him, well, as good as a girl can get on such aaaa, let's just say, it's hard to invest in a company when it has so little growth potential."

The Harpoville Post reports that after the failed merger the $425,000 a year brooker left his office in search of an ATM and failed to return leaving Ms.Stolarchuck in his office smoking crack. The court learned that Ms.Stolarchuck eventually left the office but returned the next day demanding her money. Jim refused, RBC fired Jim, Jim sued RBC, RBC counter sued Jim the case went to court and Jim was deemed guilty of being an idiot and RBC was not responsible for Jim's stupidity, case closed.

I.E.D. Impatient Eruptive Drivers

"If we've got a name for it, we'll administer a drug for it."

The Harpoville Post reports of a new study that concludes that road rage may be caused by Intermittent Explosive Disorder or IED. Road Rage is no stranger to anyone who drivers, walks, bikes or just hangs around in today's big city traffic. Road Rage used to be only elicited by macho males 18 to 40 who drove fast cars or big trucks and worked with his hands but, today that isn't the case. Now anyone with a morgage and a minivan on the road flicks the finger for just about any old reason.

The Harpoville Post spoke to doctor Arnold Hairington who told us, "IED or Road Rage as you call it isn't just a modern day disorder we think it has been ingrained in society for thousands of years. In Roman times the charioteers would give each other the finger then shortly after that the sword as they would make their way through the streets of Rome and Pompeii. Now everyone on the road has to feel so special that they actually believe that the traffic is bad just to get back at them. With the term IED we now have a label we can attach to these people that suffer from this disorder and treat them appropriately. We now fell that by administering a large amount of antidepressiants and an extra large dose of electro shock therapy, we will be able to cure these impatient imbecile drivers of their IED. But, failing that we'll just return to the old cure of a cattle prod to the testicles."

Tom Green's Stay At Home Star Show

"Tom Green gets another chance at the not-so-big time"

The Harpoville Post
Entertainment Report

The Harpoville Post admits that the U.S. Canadian border needs some tightening up now news that Canadian Tom Green is back in LaLa Land and has landed another try at the big top. Tom, who's roller coaster career has taken him from the bottom hosting a goofy show in his hometown Ottawa, to the middle where he was once married to Drew Barrymore and back down again in, amazingly enough, in less than one whole life time. So now it seems a seemingly desperate Web hosting company has come forward and decided to put their necks out far enough for Tom to wrap his sweaty little talentless hands around and hold on tight enough that eventually paramedics will be called in to revive what little may soon be left of the ManiaTV.com Web business empire.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Tommy Boy will be hosting this Web TV talk show from his living room. There is no word what the name of the show will be since all the other failed attempts at Tom's talk shows were called The Tom Green Show, one thinks the curse still lives in that name and it's still to early to sink into that pit again. We at The Harpoville Post would like to throw Tom a bone and suggest he use our office suggestion and call it 'Stay At Home Star' since Tom will be hosting this turtle in his living room. Tom's dream was to, one day, be a stay-at-home-dad to some Hollywood starlet but, those dreams were dashed when Drew sobered up and decided she didn't want Tom's Canadian blood mixed in with the Barrymore Bourbon that pulses through that bitch's veins and quickly annulled that matrimonial train wreck.

The Harpoville Post reports Tom's show will have no budget except Tom in his living room so, don't expect too many stars strolling through Tom's Hollywood diggs, that is unless they happened to be passing by and have run out of gas. There is word Tom will take time in the 60 minute time slot to talk to his cleaning lady in a segment called; "What's That Chemical Do?", and Tom is expected to chat with his landscaper in a segment called, "When is it Safe To Set The Mower To Mulch?" Good Luck Tommy Boy.

Bush's Border Mormon Vs. Mexican

"Utha's National Guard hits the ground running in 110 degree heat."

The Harpoville Post reports that the fighting Utha 55 National Guard unit are about to be the first National Guard units to start maning America's border with Mexico. It is G.W. Bush's attempt to prop up the sagging line that was once the U.S. President's soaring popularity numbers. With those numbers dropping to unbelievable lows and still two years to go in his Presidency, G.W. decided to mass 6000 National Guard troups in four States that run along the border with Mexico.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Utha 55 will be deployed to San Luis Arizona where they will be extending roads, building fences and repairing lighting, jobs usually performed by Mexician workers but, now seem to fit Mormon profiles better. The Utha troops will also be instructed on how to work long hours for low pay and not to keel over and die in the three digit heat that engulfs this desert area, while performing such back-breaking Manuel labor.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Major Hank McIntire who very excitingly told us, "This operation is all set up so my boys can hit the ground running." We asked the Major where his troops will be running to and he said, "Well, running in 110 degree heat may be the wrong word but, we'll arrive ready to get down to doing our part to be the eyes and ears of the President when he and our country so desperately need us." We asked the Major if he will not feel more like the swollen hands and sore achy back of the President once his men starting doing the repairs to the border that have been left undone since America's 'war on terror' started and that doesn't it seem a little strange that the Utha National Guard will be working in Arizona a month before 300 National Guard members from Arizona arrive at their own border and he said, "What? ...... Are you kidding me, that lazy son-of-a-bitch. Well, not on my watch."

Muslim Mania Puts Toronto In The Toilet

"It'll be hard to keep the kids in Toronto quite once they've learned how to hate."

The Harpoville Post has learned that Hogtown's (Toronto) Mayor, David Miller, is calling for calm and cooler heads as a Muslem Mosque was attacked by rock throwing vigilantes who broke 28 windows in the areas largest mosque just hours after the arrest of suspected terrorist in that city. The suspected terrorists, who have been named and some even pictured in the press have been called al Quada by CSIS and the RCMP and have been accused of plotting to bomb Toronto's CN Tower which is something CSIS has been hinting at in the news, repeatedly, for the last few weeks.

The Harpoville Post has learned that America's constant prodding that Canada should be pulling up its terrorists fear mongering sox is finally taking shape. The dye is cast, the winds of change blow like the first northern gales across Lake Superior and Canada is like a sitting duck in every fear mongers sights. The days of Toronto 'The Good' are in the toilet and they're not going to return anytime in the near or even distant future.

McVety Pulls Harpers Same Sex Strings

"I tell Harper what to do and he does it, God bless him"

The Harpoville Post
Religious Report

The Harpoville Post ponders why it's taken Harpo near four months to take a swing at the same sex marriage barricade and reopen a debate that, if Chalres McVety and Canada's Christian Right has anything to say about it, will strike down and demolish gay marriages in Canada.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Charles McVety, a very, very wealthy Christian, has spearheaded a reopening of the same sex marriage law and see it driven into the divorce courts and stricken from the books. Charles McVety believes that the gay-loving Liberals rammed the gay marriage bill home when the Christian Right stood bare-ass naked with their backs turned and without their man and their money in 24 Sussex where they could have stopped this distruction of moral values.

The Harpoville Post reports that comments made by Charles McVety that, "We are going to win this vote," speak volumes to who is really pulling the strings and running the Howdy Doody Harpo dog and pony show going on in Ottawa these days.

'All Purpose Remover' Used On Husband

"Opps! she did it again"

The Harpoville Post reports that Millie Edwards, 35 of Fulton Mo. has been arrested and charged with using Opps! All Purpose Remover in a attempt remove her husband. The wife of 18 years was arrested when a nurse walked into her Mr. Edwards hospital room and found the room suspiciously clean. The nurse suspected something was wrong and notified the police.

The Harpoville Post has learned that when the police arrived they questioned Millie and she confessed to cleaning her husbands room which is a small but, punishable offence in that State. Though, on closer inspection the police discovered that Millie not only used Opps! All Purpose Remover on the floors and walls of the room but, she also added some Opps! to her husbands IV bag and Millie was arrested and charged with attempted murder.

Millie; "Opps! I guess I got a little carried away, is that a crime?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Millie's 18 years with her husband were not always happy ones as she told The Harpoville Post, "My husband is a jerk, I've been married to a really asshole for 18 years so, the other day I'm walking through Walmart and they've got a special on Opps!, I pick up the bottle and read the label and it says, 'will remove anything', I mean I just had to give it a try."

Mishitgan Shuts Out Toronto's Shit

"We're tired of being called Mishitgan"

The Harpoville Post reports that Toronto has been shut out of the Mishitgan shit collecting business because Mishitgan says Toronto shit isn't up to that states high shit stacking standards. As of this August one Toronto will have to find someone else to suck up to and accept the 30 truck loads of shit waste it's been sending into Mishitgan landfill sites everyday since,... since,.... since,.... well forever.

"Saying no to Toronto's shit is like saying no to Toronto's assholes"

The Harpoville Post has learned that for years Toronto has been trying hard to prove to the world it's a world class city by shipping it's shit to Michigan but, those days are over and Michigan say's soon the shit train stops short of the Sarnia border crossing. For the past few years Michigan feels it's been short changed at the quality of shit Toronto's been slopping into that states landfills sites and they want it to stop.

"Mishitgan's shit-sledge has slamed shut Toronto's shit chute."

The Harpoville Post suspects Toronto feels pretty special and sees no problem in sneaking its shit into un-suspecting landfill sites in other spots throughout the area. The Harpoville Post spoke to Toronto shit specialist Sandra Shinola who told us, "Toronto is a world class city with some world class shit and if Mishitgan doesn't want to cash in on what Toronto has to offer culturally well, they can shove it. There are lots of needy communities sucking up to us, as we speak, who would love to climb aboard Toronto's shit wagon for the slow, sweet shit ride of their life." Ms. Shinola then added, "You know, 30 truckloads of grade 'A' Toronto shit a day, I'm mean that's not something you can easily turn your nose up to."