Sunday, November 26, 2006

Rae Calls For Harper's Head

"The quicker we get rid of this guy the quicker we can relax."

The Harpoville Post reports that the Liberals 'top-gun' suitor fired off his #1 most secret desire before kicking off this week Liberal leadership grand finally. It seems at the top of Bob Rae's top-ten list sits Prime Minister Harpo's head. Bob's double barreled assault couldn't have been better planned as the Tory's wrap up their 'do you love me' bait and switch election hedging promises with cash and deep-seated Nationality to Cancer, Net Debt and Quebec.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the promises seeping from beneath the iron clad gates of Harpo's lair were well played out starting with Canada's Minister of Lack-O-Finance Jim Flaherty Monday Morning promise to clean up the "Net Debt" in no time at all. But by mid-week when questioned by a real financier Flaherty admitted the "Net Debt" won't do a god-dame thing to pay down the National Debt of $480 Billion. His only response was; "We'll leave that for someone else" The next two Harpo announcements were both give-a-ways of a different sort. Harpo's desire to drop 250 Million in the middle of Canada for Cancer and stand back and watch the 10 provinces and two territories with 30 Million Cancer capable contestants scrap it out between themselves. But when divided by 30 Million it's not hard to see $8.25 each isn't going to go far and buy much but a few votes at election time, which is expected next year.

The Harpoville Post reports that though not the last promise of Harpo's 'do you love me yet?' week, before he slips back into the safe and secure arms of his protectors to watch the future opponent emerge when the Liberal leader is picked. Harpo knows he can easily whip Michael Ijnatieff with his fence post firmly situated sitting stance on all things especially the ones he's already took a stand on. Harpo will carve him to bits but, Rae? Rae's different. Rae's an experienced opponent the type of guy you'd run into in the grocery store. Harpo's never been in a grocery store and he has no interest. So Harpo's next move was to promise nothing but a place for the Bloc Party to sit at the Conservative table. Though not at the table but by it as their own Nation. This smells of a vote hunting scheme that Harpo has decided to kick some dirt up in Quebecer's faces to see if they fall for it. Quebec's desire for a separate country has been going on as long as Federation itself. Why a leader of a country would decide to stir the fires of separation, once more leaves the intelligent a view into this man's true motives and for the reason of Bob Rae's outcry.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Poor Kramer!... I Mean Richards, I Mean Kramer .....

"Karmer, I mean Richards only problem is he was too slow out of the gate."

Entertainment Exclusive

The Harpoville Post reports that, like in life, the good stories die young and the bad ones live on forever. Last weeks on stage, then film, then You Tube 'melt down' of actor/comedian Michael Richards at a L. A. Comedy club is starting to look like the only successful reincarnation of Mike's career in the ten years since he left Seinfeld or Seinfeld left him. Though Mike's racial 'peppered' remarks are doing more to boost his ratings in the KKK than back on TV. The actors 'meltdown' after being heckled while on stage have all the makings of a 'old fashion lynching' and it's too bad Kramer, I mean Richards, or his handlers, as if anyone would touch him now, didn't see that at the time.

The Harpoville Post sees Kramer, I mean Richards, as the victim here. A lone, thin, scared white man verbally attacked by two 'big black men' while trying desperately to be loved and accepted and rebuild his shattered career, up there, alone on the stage. He had no way to protect himself from the double barreled race filled hate that was fired at him from the audience so he reached for the only weapon he had at his disposal; words. Now if Kramer, I mean Richards took a page out of the book of history, comedic history that is, he'd have quoted some Lenny Bruce ("I got two nigger's, two nigger's and a spic. Two niggers, a spic and a dago. Who'll give me a dike for two niggers a spic and a dago.) convince his accusers that they are only words and we're the ones who put the value on those words, not the words themselves. Then after coming up with that defense he turns the table and take his turn as the victim (cause right now, it's a victims world. The victim card is much stronger than the race card) he'd most likely be booked back at that comedy club and a million more across the country. (Plus, he'd have a great routine) Why? Cause controversy sells baby and puts the punters in the seats. And right now Kramer, I mean Richards is a hot bed of controversy. Unfortunately, since the big screen release of 'Birth of a Nation' it's the one hot ticket Hollywood hasn't quite figured out how to sell.

The Harpoville Post reports that Lenny Bruce could have pulled himself out of this hole pretty quick but Kramer, I mean Richards I'm afraid he's made his last exit and be advised that anyone holding stock at the Seinfeld channel best sell now. Word has it that Richards has hired a 'big-time' public relations man to fix his image problem by hiring Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to hang out with this cracker. Soon Kramer, I mean Richards, will be seen at Mickeyd's take out window driving a pimped out Escalade and shompin' on a Big Mac saying; "I'm lovin' it"

Friday, November 24, 2006

Conservatives Still Soft on Gun Crime

"Now after repeated crimes with a gun at least this big the convicted criminal will have to prove to the courts, after he gets his gun back, he just won't go out and do it again."

The Harpoville Post reports Harpo's 'get tough of gun crime' campaign does more to show how soft the Canadian courts are to gun toting criminals today than how tough they'll be tomorrow. As Harpo stood in downtown Toronto, flanked by the premiere of Ontario and the Mayor of Toronto, to announce the Conservatives aren't really in a big hurry to stop the increase in guns and gun violence that is seeping in from the south and onto Canadian streets.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Harpo's new considered legislation will force those already convicted of a gun crime and who get arrested a second time to prove to the judge they are still not a danger to society. It seems the terms 'gun crime' and 'second time' should be enough to weigh any judge or jury to lean towards the courts but, not in Harpo's world. Already lawyers, slimier than the criminals they represent are seeing this as a pay day to end all pay days. "the Conservatives will guarantee nothing moves thru the courts", said Mel Lousmen a downtown Toronto lawyer. "They'll be no convictions just more bail hearings and more trips to the bank."

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo's new 'Made in Canada' solution, which is years away from becoming law, will do nothing to address or deter the increasing amount of guns on the street or the people who decide to reach for a gun when they decide to do a crime. Canada has harsher penalties for first offence drinking and driving convictions than they do for first offence gun convictions.

"Our suggestion is if you plan to drink and drive take a gun with you and you'll most likely get off."

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Nov.22 1963 If You Weren't There, You'll Never Know

"43 years ago today they slaughtered a man on the streets of Dallas."

Editorial Comment:
The Harpoville Post reports that even after all this time the most significant event to change the course of history in the last 100 years in the United States and the World came and went with little or no mention. On this day 43 years ago in Dallas Texas America watched, near silent, as their President was carved up and served, like a Thanksgiving turkey and America took it's place in the history of the World as a World Empire. Like the pages out of the history book, after the killing of the leader takes place, the country is then controlled from behind closed doors. A secret military style government is in place, one whose desire is World domination with total secrecy is short and sweet.

After JFK was assassinated on the streets of Dallas Texas at 12:30 pm Nov 1963 America was taken over and controlled to become what she is today the most feared(China, Iran and N.Korea), hated(Middle East), indebted(9 Trillion and counting) and dangerous country in the world. They, the inventor's of everything from Pop Tarts to Television, Hummers to Hooters, McDonald's to Madonna and Dick's to Bush have as if forgotten they're own history in a breakneck race to write even more. Those who do not learn from the past and destine to repeat the same mistakes.

Three reasons to kill him:
1) He planned to remove J.Edgar Hover as head of the FBI
2) He wanted to smash the CIA into 1,000 pieces.
3) He wanted to end the Federal Reserve. He said; "As long as there is a Federal Reserve America will be in debt." 43 years later America is 9 Trillion in the hole.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Rebuilding Afghanistan One Ferrari at a Time

"At $150,000 a bomb it would be cheaper to throw Ferrari's into the Afghani desert."

The Harpoville Post reports the rebuilding of Afghanistan by the Canadian led troops is non existent with news more money is going into American manufactured 'smart bombs' than into supplying water and electricity to the southern Afghani region. Though Lack of Defense Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, is steadfast on his delusionary claims of only spending 4 Billion on Canada's 'Peace seeking War' by 2009 someone better slip O'Connor a calculator and quick.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Canadian Military is planning to buy American made Excaliber bombs and at a cost of $150,000 per smart bomb and one wonders how smart that really is. To prove their case the Conservative Government dusted off old retired Major McKenzie and wheeled him in front of the cameras to underline their need to buy bigger, better, more expensive bombs. Major McKenzie said; "Just imagine if Canadian troops could find a group of Talibaner's who were about to attack our Canadian troops and we could blow them up real good with one of those at whatever the cost." When reporters asked Major Mackenzie if he didn't think $150,000 per bomb wasn't a little expensive he said; "Your shittin' me right? Who in their right mind would spend $150 grand on a bomb. Why not throw a Fucking Ferrari at them or maybe a fist full of Kia's. That's stupid. Can you guys point me towards the bar?"

The Harpoville Post reports that news of Canada's ever shrinking military isn't just credited to retirement and work related injuries, on or off the battlefield, but to a mass exodus to the sweet life of mercenary employment. Highly trained members of the Canadian Joint Task Force 2 are quitting the JTF2 and signing on for mercenary employment with the American's in Iraq for $1,000 per day only about 2000% more than they made in the Canadian military to do the same job. As the Conservative Government scrambles to fill the shrinking ranks of the military with expensive TV commercials aimed at those teenaged 'gamers' lurking in your basement they're not having much luck. After eliminating reading and writing at a grade 6 level as a requirement and allowing most applicants at least 6 tries at passing a drug test they're only averaging about 2 out of ever 10 that apply. One wonders when the Canadian military will take a page from the Taliban recruiting handbook, who are having no problem refilling their ranks.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Canadian Coffee In Kandahar Costly

"Only the Canadian Government could loose money opening a Tim Hortons"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Canadian Military's attempt to bring a little bit of home to the fighting troops in Afghanistan is costing Canadian tax payers more than they could even imagine. The two coffee and donut dispensing trailers have been open for just six months and have so far cost Canadians 4 Million dollars making it the only Tim Hortons outlet in the world to be loosing money.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Coffee and Donut giant waved the $475,000 franchise fee but sure stuck it to them for everything else. It seems Tim's sold the eager coffee consuming military two coffee shilling trailers for $380,000 and then military spent $425,000 flying them first class, via two Russian cargo planes, to Kandahar. The engineers who backed the trailers into place and plugged them into an electrical outlet weren't without their mits out and raked in $350,000 for they're day in the sun.(Doesn't the Canadian Military have their own engineers?). Then when it came time to order Tim Horton paper bags, Timbits boxes and cups that cost $1.4 Million. Then add on the cost of keeping the place open the first year $550,000. Then there are salaries of $650,000 a year (Because minimum wage in Kandahar is much higher than Canada's $7.25 and hour) then add another $30,000 for training (I seems repeating the phrase "Will that be everything" needs to be practice endlessly to get right).

The Harpoville Post reports that the Kandahar outlet serves about 1000 coffees a day and usually runs out of donuts and muffins on a regular basis making the daily take at Tim's Kandahar in the ball park of about $2,500 US per day, it seems the Canadian military had concluded Canadian currency is worthless in Kandahar that's why the US currency. So, $2500. US per day times, the six monthes it's been open say 150 days makes it about $400,000 US the military have taken in and have decided to keep in a bank account and let the Canadian tax payer pay for the rest. When asked what will happen to all the profits from Tim's Kandahar a military spokesperson replied; "We're planning to use this money to set up a 'sent a kid to camp' program. That is send a kid to 'military camp' program."

Friday, November 03, 2006

Tory's Say Fuck The Environment

"And have decide to go Gay bashing"

The Haporville Post reports that as the Harpo Government tries hard to ignore resent scientific results that we' are all heading to environmental Hell in a Lincoln Escalade they're not without a plan 'B'. This week Harpo was quick to turn a whole stack of negitives in to one big Conservative positive by announcing his deep seated desire; "Let's go beat up some fagots".

The Harpoville Post has learned that the most pressing item on the fall Conservative calender is clobering C-38, the Gay Marriage Law. This is all compliments of Charles McVety and his religious rightous who now, having helped Harpo gain power, swing a pretty big mean-stick in Ottawa. A stick Harpo has decided he'd rather have swung at a bunch of 'homo loving fagots' than himself. Although the year old bill passed easily in house with a vote of 158 to 133, a point spread the Conservatives would have 'just died for' in the last election, Harpo, I mean McVety, has decided a lot of Liberals that voted for Bill C-38 would rather be back up on the political fence, impaled in govermental debate, on what should or shouldn't, can or can't and will or won't be done in the bedrooms of the nation after Canadian taxpayers, over the age of consent, say "I do".

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