Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Fight Clubs are all the Fashion Fray

"For summer 2006 Blue is the new Black"

The Harpoville Post
Mid-week Editorial

The Harpoville Post reports that America's macho craze for world dominance has trickled backwards and landed at the front doors of homes all across America as men get together to beat other men to a pulp or get beaten themselves. One Californian human punching bag stated; "I don't do this to feel macho, I'm macho enough already."

The Harpoville Post has learned that real life "Fight Clubs" are popping up in basements and garages in suburban homes all across America. Men get together any day of the week to beat the hell out of they're friends with pots, pan, toasters, sticks and yes, even their bare fists, as this craze grows and grows. It seems these are not the type of men who would ever pick a fight with another man in a bar or on the street but, they look forward to it when the members only RSVP comes a calling.

The Haroville Post wonders if these 9 to 5 macho men are living on the edge of battling their own fears or are they slipping down the slow sloppy slope into insanity. If evolution climbs up the ladder why do men insist on the two rungs up three rungs down mentality. Is it G.W. Bush's fear soaked America that has them taking each other to the task of facing their fear of flight and survival by pitting battles in conformed, controlled arenas. If we could crack time travel and reveal history to the last days of Rome would we witness calculated acts of barbaric mind numbing debauchery against each other in some last ditched attempt to control ones own demise now the borders are all secure and flight is no longer an option.

O'Connor Can't see no Stinking War

O'Connor, "To me War would be....... well I won't go into what war would be to me but, this isn't a war"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Minister of Defence and War Gordon (Shakey) O'Connor has come out swinging at accusations that Canada is at war in Afghanistan. Mr. O'Connor, no relation to Donald, was in Ottawa to answer questions on what it is that Canada's 2,300, minus 16 deaths, military troops are doing in Afghanistan. Mr. O'Connor's answer; "We are there to build houses, that's right houses. A lot of houses have been blown up since the American's arrived there in 2003 and they need houses so we've sent 2,300 troops or 'carpenters' into Afghanistan to secure the area, kill the Taliban, secure Democracy and, and, and......" Build some houses. "That's right and build some houses."

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Senate Committee has taken the Harpo Government to task, first questioning Peter McKay on how long will we be there and how much money it will cost to fight the Afghanistan War and now questioning Mr. O'Connor who was angered to be questioned at all about Afghanistan. With Canadian troop death tolls mounting and increased anger over American troops after a recent traffic accident caused a riot and saw American troops firing into raged Afghani crowds, Canada's role in the war torn country needs to be clarified for Canadian's sake.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Mr. O'Connor who told us, "This is a rebuilding mission with lot's of bullets and bombs being thrown our way, this isn't a war. And, it's true 'the carpenters', and we like to now to refer to our troops will be heading to the 'work site' in armored vehicles to help level the 'work area' so we can start 'rebuilding the homes' in Afghanistan." then the feisty old dodger added, "But, if you pussy little Senators don't stop picking on little Peter McKay you can step outside with a real man I'll show you what a war is."

Canada Post Stops Rural Routes

"Why can't people just come here to get their mail?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada Post has decided to stop delivering mail to some east coast rural homes. The reason? They're too rural. Homes that have been getting mail for more than 100 years will be cut from the new streamlined Canada Post and those affected are up in arms over it. "We'd write a letter to our member of Parliament but, we know Canada Post won't deliver it," said one outraged former Canada Post customer.

The Harpoville Post has learned that rural mail delivery drivers are sighting 'repetitive stress syndrome' as the reason and they've gone to their union to have these dangerous potential death traps cut from their route. The Canada Post mail delivery employees are paid to drive rural roads, going from mail box to mail box, putting cards and letters into the mail boxes while sitting in they're cars, a job they say is now too dangerous and the union agrees. Canada Post has contacted, by letter, informing the rural owners, of this potential death traps, that they're mail's in town so, come and get it. This, to no suprise, has outraged the rural affected.

The Harpoville Post spoke to one such rurally affected fromer Canada Post customer who told us, "First off I don't want my name in the paper, Canada Post knows where I live and they can be mean. I can't believe that in the year 2006 a time when new technology makes this world run faster and supposedly smoother Canada Post decides that it's too much bother to do what they were mandated to do and decide the postal employees who were hired to do a simple task can't do it because it might hurt them. What a load of shit. I called Canada Post to complain and they told me they don't take complaints over the phone. They said I could either write a letter, which I know they won't deliver or email them. I wish someone would remind me why we have a mail service anyway."

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Smoke Them If You Got'em

"Can you give me a light, we don't have much time left?"

The Harpoville Post reports that it's not coming down to if you do or if you don't but, where you can or where you can't. At the stroke of midnight the chance of getting a stroke will diminish as the axe falls on those who'd like to head out for a drink and a smoke. The drink, help yourself, the smoke, that's another matter. But, that's what's the matter.

The Harpoville Post has learned that it's not a given, quite yet, that smoking ain't going to win you any friends in high places of even low brow bars that are already feeling the pinch from the lack of patrons with a pack on the table and an ashtray full of butts, they're just slowly going the way of the DoDo. Though it seems the government feels the need to deposit it's 2 cents once again to underline the message that's isn't getting absorbed as well as they'd like it, that smoking kills and costs the Canadian Government Billions of dollars every year in lost time and hospital costs.

The Harpoville Post reports that it seems it's the Quebec population that's the slowest to heed the message. The saying, 'Quebecer's smoke like it's a cure for cancer', has got to hurt when this smoking ban sweeps that province tonight and the $300. fines will fly fast and furious until it does sink in. Because, as we all know, whether we've been smokers or not, the hardest part of saying goodbye is just letting go.

Peter McKay Under Fire about Afghanistan

Peter McKay "I don't know that either sir."

The Harpoville Post reports that a Canadian Senate Committee put Foreign Affairs Minister Peter McKay under fire to answer questions about Canada's role in Afghanistan and Peter had only one answer; "I don't know."

The Harpoville Post has learned that Peter under fire is not a pretty sight. When a Senate Committee asked him how much money will the Afghanistan operation cost Canadian's, Peter stated no more than 1 Billion dollars total thru 2009, though the Defence Department states that 2 Billion has already been spent not including soldiers salaries and equipment depreciation costs. Peter McKay's aid later clarified what everyone else had guessed that 'Peter is not good with numbers.'

The Harpoville Post reports that when the committee asked Mr. McKay who's really in charge of the three governmental departments involved in the Afghanistan operation to which Peter answered, "I don't know." An aid to Mr. McKay later clarified, what most had suspected, that "Peter is not good with names."

The Harpoville Post reports that once under fire from the committee Peter responded with a strange aray of colorful metaphors like; "boots on the ground" and "last spike in the Canadian Railroad." With the last metaphor a Senator asked; "So, you're building a railroad across Afghanistan?" to which Mr. McKay responded, "I don't know, but, we could if you'd like one there." An aid to Mr. McKay later clarified what everyone in attendance already knew that, "Peter is not good with metaphors."

Monday, May 29, 2006

Stephen Harper Left Talking To Himself

"Reaching the un-converted conservatives just got a little harder"

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo's desire for control for everything conservative just got a little harder to control and handle as his relationship with the eyes and ears Canadian media is melting quicker than the poplar ice-cap into the adyss, leaving Harpo paddling to shore, talking to himself.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the task of going door to door to reach out to 'Joe Canadian' may look easy on paper maps but, harder on the butt when his wide-load butt hovers above the tires as the rubber meets those long and bumpy Canadian roads. Ol' Stephie-boy is in for the ride of his life as he marches small town to small town little radio station, penny-saver paper to mall opening searching for the love he needs to pull is minimal conservative ass out of the bleechers and into the box seats with a majority win come next election time.

The Harpoville Post reports all the media wants is to do their job of reporting the unbiased news as it happens in their own words and not while standing in line asking permission, like; "please sir, I want some more questions made of meat and substance," which is what Harpo insists on happening so as never to be painted in a negative light and always to be adored, an act most resembling a third world dictatorship not an open Canadian democracy.

Toronto Tied To The Tracks eh!

"Left in the lurch Toronto workers get two long weekends in a row."

The Harpoville Post reports that Toronto Transit workers didn't show up for work this spring like Monday morning causing some 700,000 Toronto Transit riders to do the same. The suprise strike of all Toronto transit, union, employees ground Canada's biggest city to a stand still with many commuters having to find their own way into the hussle and tussle of big city life.

"Help us, help us, how will I ever pay for my over priced 27th. floor tiny condo now?"

The Harpoville Post has learned that it all came down to Toronto Transit Commision's desire to move over half of its 87 janitors and 91 subway track workers to night shift to save some money. Negotiations on this issue and others like driver security, health premiums and job evaluations have been a bone of contention between TTC management and the union for months and have finally boiled over into this uncalled but, successfully executed sabotage to the Monday morning Toronto commute.

The Harpoville Post would like to help TTC management in the TTC workers job evaluations by giving all the striking employees an A for health premiums, because they're not spending the day driving around in all that southern Ontario pollution. But, alas The Harpoville Post is forced to award them an F for job security because they're not spending the day driving around in a that southern Ontario pollution.

"Do you know the way to Toronto eh!"

The Harpoville Post would also like to award an A to all those dutiful worker ants that forged forth walking, biking, skipping, uni-cycling, jogging, in-line skating, mo-peding, pole-vaulting, thumbing, pleading, kneeing, gouging and killing their way into work today just to do very little except catch up on personal emailing, do Sudoko, download, server approved porn, and stand around the coffee machine telling tales of what they had to do to get to work today just to leave work early and do the same to get home tonight, congratulations.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Bush and Blair; What a Pair

Tony Blair "If the UN would have stopped us we might not have killed so many innocent civilians"

The Harpoville Post reports Tony Blair may be dumber than G.W.Bush when it comes to opening his mouth and sliding his hush puppies into it. In cries for United Nation reforms in the wake of admitted screw ups made by America and England with the war in Iraq, Tony let stupidty get the better of him by saying, the equivlent of "had the UN done a better job George and me wouldn't have had to go into Iraq and mess that country up so bad."

The Harpoville Post is suprised that now Tony has decide not to run as Prime Minister of England, again, he's decided not to wear his thinking cap when he opens his mouth. During both Iraq wars the United Nations were involved and tried to get cooler heads to prevail but it was America and England that denounced their actions and took action on their own.

The Haropoville Post certainly hope Tony gets called on his actions in the blame game and letting G.W.'s stupid speech tricks rub off all over him.

CSIS Outraged by New Bin Laden Tape

Bin Lauden "America is full of imperialist pigs but, Canada is quite nice"

The Harpoville Post reports that a recently released tape made by head terrorist and al Quaeda founder Osama Bin Lauden has Canada's spy agency, CSIS, quite upset by its content. The tape reveals that Bin Lauden hates everyone but, Canada. Though many in Canada's fear fighting front have spoke of Osama's intention of bombing near everything in Canada from the CN Tower to the Labrador Cod Stocks it seems now that this just isn't the case.

The Harpoville Post has learned that this new Bin Lauden tape talks of the same old rhetoric about America getting hers in the end and to state that American prisoner Zacarias Moussaoui was not involved with the 9/11 attack on America. Osama states that Moussaoui is just a mixed up kid, a terrorist want-to-be and who really doesn't deserve a crack at all those virgins. But, it's the last minute and a half of the tape that has Canada's spy agency up in arms. On the tape Osama and all of al Quaeda is quite fond of Canada and are rooting for the Oilers in this years Stanley Cup. Osama spoke of the night life in Montreal to be out of this world and even some the clubs in Winnipeg being not to shabby for a guy who lives in the desert.

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's cautious conservatives are outraged by the tape and are working hard to insure it is never released to the public. Canada's Lack-of-Safety Minister Stockwell Day spoke to The Harpoville Post and said this, "It is prevalent that we maintain a state of constant fear and hatred in this country how else will we recognize it when it arrives at out door. Any statement made on this alleged tape by Osama Bin Laden stating that Canada is a nice place to visit but, I wouldn't want to bomb there is totally untrue."

Friday, May 26, 2006

Harper's Government Gags Gay Goofs

"Harper is afraid his government can't keep their mouths shut over RCMP gay wedding and start verbal gay bashing"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo has told his Tory Toadies to shut the-hell-up when it comes to two Mounties tying the knot before his government gets a chance to stop gay marriages. The gag order delivered from the P.M.'s Office to a few of the gay hating members of his party who are more than likely to open their mouth and stick their old conservative wing-tips deep down into it.

"Conservatives in the closet over gay marriage"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Harpo has made it clear that anyone who speaks his mind on this, or any other, subject will be doused and ousted from his party and Parliament. The National media who are at odds with the PM's selected silence agenda are all over this one and trying hard to encourage gay hating conservatives their chance to finally come clean and step out of the closet on how they really feel about gay marriage.

The Harpoville Post knows the Harpo Government is biting their tongues and bidding their time waiting for the right moment, late one night when these mischievous misanthropes will crawl out from their darkened alley and pounch down apon the unsuspecting same sex marriage minded with a vengeance that will echo their message long and loud across this once liberal, now slowly creeping, conservative country.

Who Do The Chinese Voodoo

"Chinese Government wants them banned now they're selling like hotcakes"

The Harpoville Post that Voodoo fever has taken control in China the its government can't move quick enough to quell it. Though now it's apparent that what Beijing wants, Beijing can't always get and this dolls are a must have for this spring 2006.

The Harpoville Post has learned that what first started out as a joke gift has taken the country of Billions by storm and the government wants it shut down. With cries of; "A disgrace to socialism in believing in such feudal superstitions" the government has stormed toy manufacturers forcing them to stop making and distribution of the dolls. The toy dolls have been called a marvel of modern marketing in that you can't reuse one doll over and over. So, one Voodoo Doll one Voodoo curse, one wonders how U.S. Toy companies let this one slip between their greasy little fingers. Well, there's always next year.

Sexiest Man in Canadian Politics

Peter McKay "Gosh, O'golly, shucks, I, I, I don't what to say"

The Harpoville Post reports that the votes are in on who's hot and who's not in Harpo's new government. Peter McKay Minister of Foreign Affairs won once again for Canada's Hottest Politician and it's easy to see why. Whether decked in body armor for a photo opportunity on a Afghani air-strip or just chilling during question period this guy has it all. One wonders did his ex-girlfriend Belinda Stronach switch political teams to further her political career or to save herself from this hot hunk of man meat.

The Harpoville Post also learned that others winners at this years Political Press Awards were Rona Ambrose; Voted the woman most likely to end up living alone with a broken down window air conditioner. Gordon O'Connor; Voted the man most likely to end up driven insane and seeing little red terrorist crawling all over him. David Emerson was voted most likely to be found dead in an east end Vancouver riding alley.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Harper Caught Calling Iran Jew Haters

Harpo "No, no, no, I didn't mean to suggest Iran is no better than the god-dame Nazis"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Prime Minister Harpo was out looking for love in all the rural places and ended up back peddling on comments he made last week, along with Australian P.M. John Howard, about Iran. Harpo's commented on a rumor that Iran, may be, forcing it's Jewish and Christian citizens to wear 'the yellow star' the same emblem used by the Nazi's during the second world war to help segregate the Jewish population. Now Iran is calling Canada to task on why they would print such an untrue slanderous story and why Harpo, who rarly speaks to the press decide to jump on that, of all, band wagons.

The Harpoville Post has learned that it was quite inappropriate for the Prime Minister of Canada to make such suggestively raciest slurs about a country in the Middle East and with demands for an explanation on his actions he's suddenly silent. Now the President of Iran has called Canada's Ambassador to Iran Gordon Venner to that countries Foreign Ministry to explan his Prime Ministers remarks and his countries actions. The Canadian Right-Wing newspaper, The National Post, the only national newspaper Harpo reads, has already came out with an appology for printing the distorted comments about Iran and now it should be Harpo's turn.

The Harpoville Post believes Prime Minister Harpo should publicly appologize to the country of Iran for his comments made to the national media without knowing the true facts. It is the Prime Ministers job to act on facts not spread raciest lies about a country he knows nothing about.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

It's Blog Linking, Not Thinking they Want

"We don't your opinion we want you to repeat what we say"

The Harpoville Post reports that those stupid little bloggers who have nothing to say but only repeat or link to what others say will soon be the big bloggers of the future, that is if A.P. gets its way. The Associtated Press has just released word they will reward lame ass bloggers who do nothing but link off their news stories. You know the ones, the sad sacks that don't have an ounce of word power to state why they're upset but they love to show you where you can go to read what has made them so upset.

"They're not bloggers they're hall monitors"

The Harpoville Post hates these no brain bloggers who think the idea of a political topical blog is to point and click to other blogs. These lazy assholes who think they're cool and hip to have a blog that does, does, does, does nothing but take up space. You see if it's not in your words it's not a blog. If it's not in your words it's their blog so quite thinking it's important that you be the messenger, the traffic guard the hall monitor who tells other people where to go.

The Harpoville Post asks that when you do run across one of these stupid blogs please take the time to leave a comment and tell them to get a dictionary and a life.

Harper Leaves in a Huff For The Stricks

Harper "If you don't say good things about me I'm leaving"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo is upset that the national media doesn't see things is way and only his way, so like a angry child he's leaving for London and Lethbridge and Landon and Lawrence and all places little where he says he's loved. The rift between Harpo and the media has been waged in private up to this point now the gloves are off and the lines are drawn.

The Harpoville Post has learned that during a news conference today members of the National media walked out on Harpo's refusal to take and answer questions asked of him. Harpo in return, flustered by their actions walked out on his own news confernce leaving everyone confused. Harpo's desire to control the Canadian media the same way G.W. Bush controls the American media has started to back fire on him and just like a struggling rock band trying to leave their mark on the Canadian music scene Harpo will soon find out why they all go on Much Music before they go out on tour.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

He Who Owns The Press Owns The Polls

Harpo "I'm quite a crafty little fucker, aren't I"

The Harpoville Post reports with a new week comes a new poll from those crafty Conservatives. Not only does Harpo decide to limit his new minority party members access to the press and the press to them he decides to hand out a new poll a week as the only mirror in which to admire the emperors new clothes in.

The Harpoville Post has learned that another new poll praising the job the new government is doing has arrived, though I day later than usual because of the long Canadian 2-4 weekend. The Harpo Government would not like to release its new praise poll results on a holiday Monday and miss all that new poll, high-fiving, back slapping praise. The new poll, conducted by Ipsos, the name alone should be a warning to all, has concluded that if a election was to be held today and Harpo managed to hide himself and his party from talking to the free press he might just win a majority government. "What if's" are always the ear marks and cause for celebration in every free democratic government.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Ipsos head (on a) pollster Darrell Bricker who told us, "It is just amazing what this new government has done in just 100 days. We have reenacted the Brian Mulroney glory years of 1988, we are all very pleased." We asked Mr. Bricker why he keeps saying 'we' and he said, "Do I? I don't think so and if I did I mean it in a figurative way. As in, 'we' the Canadian people."

The Harpoville Post wonders if Hapo hooking his star to Brian Mulroney's glory years is such a good idea. Since those, so called 'glory years' were short lived with after his second term as Prime Minister and his introduction of the conservatives value added GST his government spiraled out of control, going down in flames. With Mulroney's iron claw grip on the party no one was therewith a safety net to revive the party and they quickly sank into oblivion. Is that the star Prime Minister Harpo wants to be hooked up to?

Monday, May 22, 2006

Caledonia Blockades Resemble YoYo

"There up, there down, there up, there down, there back up"

The Harpoville Post reports that the YoYo blockades surrounding the small Canadian town of Caledonia are back up, as of right now. The Native land protest that is close to three months old was winding down with talks underway with Ontario officials and Six Nation Representives then the towns locals moved in to put up blockades of their own and all hell broke loose. That action caused the Natives to put the twice removed blockade back up. Now there are blockcades all over the place and no one is going or getting anywhere.

The Harpoville Post has learned that locals are reacting, not to Six Nation concerns but, to outside Native infulences that have moved into this once quite area about and hour from the US border to the south and Toronto Canada to the east. Native warriors from across North America have been heading to Caledonia to man two road blocks, one on the main street of this small town and one on the highway that bypasses the town. This Harpoville Post reporter visited the site and witnessed OPP, Ontario Provincial Police, officers turnback many a car full of Native warriors from entering the blockade area. But, they mearly turned around and headed back looking for another way in.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Six Nation claim to land six miles both sides of the Grand River dates back to the 1800's and will most likely take years to figure out and resolve. Cool heads must prevail so no one is injured and the sleepy little Southern Ontario town of Caledonia and the Native community on Six Nations will one day resolve the land issue and once again live in peace.

7:10 pm
Harpoville Post Update:
It seem calmer heads cannot prevail as once hoped with news of angry protesters on both sides resorting to the primal urge for violence with them lashing out at each other. It is obvious now that the arrival of peace will be slow and painful, if it arrives at all.

Conservatives Kick at Kyoto Can

"Conservatives commit to a consensus of non-committment"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Minister of Environmental Disasters, the right-retched Rona Ambrose crawled out of her new SUV to deliver more Conservative rhetoric on how little they plan to do for the environment. With calls for her resignation and for a call for the Canadian delegation to return for the Bonn Germany Kyoto conference still ringing in her dizzy little head the right-dishonorable Rona Darling tried to smooth over the latest conservative tarnish to Canada's increasingly tinted reputation. A government document has been leaked telling of the Harpo Government's deep seated desire and hidden intension to oppose any plan for setting tougher environmental guidelines to help reverse Canada's ever climbing greenhouse emissions.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Rona is suggesting the governments plan to scrape exsisting agreements with Kyoto and many other countries and go about committing to a much less stringent and demanding Asia-Pacific Partnership with the United States and Austrailian conservative governments because they have no intention on meeting Kyoto's goals already set.

The Harpoville Post reports Canada is behind in its commitment to cut greenhouse gases because of increased oil production in the oil sands of Alberta. It is obvious that Harpo's new Alberta based Conservative Government has no interest in biting the hand that feeds them with demands on energy consumption when the increasing consumption of energy is all that Alberta has going for itself.

More Guns, Less Guns Equal More Polls

"More poll confusion over results from more polls"

The Harpoville Post reports that a new poll shows what most old polls have been saying for years, people hate being polled over commonsense issues. In another recent poll on the gun registry debate most Canadian's including police officers, don't want the government to dismantle the gun registry. But, the Harpo Government, led by Lack-of-Safety Minister Stockwell Day have already decided that the wishes of a few conservative voters should outweigh the safety and concerns of the many caring Canadians who can see how all guns harm society.

The Harpoville Post has learned that a new poll finds more Canadian's in Ontario and Quebec are against dismantling the gun registry on both long guns and handguns, but, more Canadian's in all the other provinces want the gun registry on long guns dismantled and the handgun and automatic weapons registry to apply. These Canadian's who voted against the gun registry are mostly slow, rural conservative voters who the Harpo Government has decided to pander to with little reguard for safety and more reguard for re-election.

The Harpoville Post reports that another poll done by Canadian prisoners, murders and rapists shows they are in favor of dismantling all of Canada's gun registry laws on all weapons to help close the debate and the need for more Canadian polling.

Hot Hunky RCMP's Hitched in Halifax

"The Mounties always get their man"
"Why else would they call them Mounties, silly"

The Harpoville Post
Fashion Monday

Hang on to your hats hun's cause two of Canada's finest are getting hitched this long hot summer ahead. If heading out everyday risking your hiny, wrapped in Kevlar with a pistol strapped to your hip, wasn't hairy enough these two RCMP, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, officers from Nova Scotia have decided to turn up heat a little hotter and get hitched in Halifax.

The Harpoville Post has learned that David Connors and Jason Tree have been dating since they were students at the University of New Brunswick and have been open about their sexuality since they began working with the force. With the love and support of their super-visors Jason decided to pop the question to David and of course David jumped at the chance to be a June Bride. There is no word yet on whether the weather will co-operate in this windy city by the sea or whether David will wear white on his day of days.

This Harpoville Post reporter senses these two hot hunky Mounties smelled the sour stench from the winds of change winging their way as the new Conservative government will, most likely, start derailing the gay train to the alter sometime very soon. So, take this as a hint, huns, and get you butt-less chaps to the Church before Hapo's hairy-backed Hun's start cutting back on rice, pre-nups and gay marriage licences.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

USA Decides Who's The Better Jack-Ass

"Nature verses nurture in ass off"

The Harpoville Post reports that Idaho Gem and Star, two cloned mules will go toe to toe and tail to tail with natural born mules to see who's the better jack-ass. The competition, which will be held in Califorina next month, is hoping to give a much needed boost to one of America's lesser know sports, Mule Racing. Every year jack-ass's from across America come to watch this mules run in State and County Fairs for as much as $5000. a race.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the head of the cloning experments is scientist Gordon Woods who would not offer any information to help 'edge the bets' on which of the mules will run the fastest. The Harpoville Post spoke to Mr. Woods who said, "You see, a mule is created when a male donkey ejaculates into a female horse or mare. It is thought that the mare doesn't like it much and considers it like having sex with your weird distant cousin. The mule that is born to this pairing ends up, thank-god, infertile and that's where I come in." He then added, "But as far as betting on which one will be fastest in a race I can't really say, you see I'm Mormen, I might like a lot of wives but I can't bet on which one will make me dinner first. But, I can tell you this that with mules the males are preffered primarily for hauling and the females are primarily for riding. "

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Harper Fears Rejection From G.W.Bush

"Why won't he call, was it something I said?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo is beside himeself in worry on why US President G.W.Bush has suddenly given him the cold shoulder and refused to take his calls. Reports of Harpo feeling the scorned lover are reeling through Ottawa as one lone candle burns late into the night in the P.M.'s office window.

The Harpoville Post shows a picture of the two in happier times fresh from their getaway in Mexico, now Gorgeous George, as Harpo is rumored to refer to him as, is lying low waiting in the wings or maybe he's courting someone new?

The Harpoville Post has learned that Washington tonges are tattling a new tale of tipsy trusts between G.W. and Austraila's P.M. John Howard after his extended visit there last week. Leaving one to speculate there might be new meaning to that countries expression "down under, mate." This Harpoville Post reporter knows how quickly love is won and lost in the halls of power. And this, may be just a sign of our little Harpo growing up.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Howard Humps Harper at Conservative Cum Fest

"Austraila's Prime Minister cums to blow his load at Harpo's Conservative orgy"

The Harpoville Post reports that when Austrailian's ultra-Conservative Prime Minister John Howard rolled into Ottawa to met with Harpo the two stopped just short of renting a hotel room to consumate their love in everything conservative. With Kyoto, terrorism, a global Nuclear Partnership(as long as Iran doesn't get an invite) and American world domination topping the 22 minute speech Howard lauder'd all over the list of likely non-liberals lined up in attendance.
John Howard's speech was the first an Austrailian PM has bestowed in Canada since 1944, (during the last big war) but, was reserved for the all ready converted conservative MP's, staffers and lobbyists who all responded with thunderous applause and admiration when it was over.

"Do conservatives swallow?"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Howard's huge heeping helpings of American love came just hours after he left his friends in Washington to journey north to pass on the message against "Bush Bashing" and for American World domination against all things non-christian and non-conservative. John Howard passed on to Canada the Washington message, "The decency and hope that the power and purpose that the United States represent in the world is something we should deeply appreciate." That's the line that brought the converted to their feet with extented thunderous applause.

"They swallow and we gag."

CRTC Approves Christian McVety TV

The Harpoville Post

"CRTC will appease their new employer by approving a pay-per-view christian channel"

The Harpoville Post reports that with the CRTC, Canadian Television and Telecommunications Commission, trying hard to justify it's exisitance and stay alive in an ever growing world full of Ipods and satellite radio, items they can't control, they've decided to add another Pay TV station that they can pretend to control. A conference this week was set up to try and think of ways to keep afloat the ridiculously large saleries paid to CRTC employees who's only job is tell Canadians what they can or can't and how long they can, when they can, listen to on the radio or watch on TV.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the CRTC is a 30 year old regulatory board that has outlived its self at doing anything useful for Canadians. The CRTC has been likened to owning a Beta machine in 1999. So, unless you've got a shit-load of family Christmas tapes on Beta, it is nothing more than a dame-good door stop.

The Harpoville Post reports that the CRTC must have seen the writting on the wall spelling 'THE END' of their existence this past week when they decided to let a new movie channel into our homes, a new pay-per-view christian movie channel. The new station is owned by the Alberta's Touch Canada Broadcasting.

The Harpoville Post smells the distinct odor of Charles McVety and suspects McVety TV will be beemed into our homes very, very soon. It'll be telling use how bad we are, how sinful we are and how gay's shouldn't marry and how abortion is the work of the devil. Thank Christ we got the CRTC still looking out for our best interest on this one.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Canadian Soldiers Fucked in Afghanistan

"No suprise the pasty white boys want us to stay"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo's extension of the Canadian military in Afcanistan has passed in the house. With only 4 votes in his favor, Harpo declaired himself the victor in the six hour suprise debate on extending the mission until 2009. The defiant Harpo told the house, "We cannot walk away and if we need a further mandate we will go to the Canadian people." This statement flies in the face of disbelief considering a recent poll taken, by his own pollsters, states that Canadians to not have the Prime Ministers same resolve to extend the troops stay in the war torn Afcanistan.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the CTV, the Conservative Television Network has reported that Canadian troops welcome the extension for another 3 year stay in that dangerous country.

The Harpoville Post spoke to one Canadian soldier who said, "We think it's swell that the pasty white politians of Canada's minority government have found it in their hearts to keep us in this hell-hole for another 3 years. It's just fucking great I guess I don't get to see my daughter till she's in fucking grade 6, thanks a-fuck-of-a-lot."

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Harper Quits Long Before Kyoto Finish

"And the Conservatives love him for it"

The Harpoville Post reports as Harpo pledges more and more years of war it's the evironmental world community, not the Taiban that stands in shock and awe. International criticism hightens as Harpo Governments lack of commitmint to the Kyoto protocol comes under fire when environmental leaders who are asking Canada to keep its Minister of Environmental Disasters, Rona Ambrose, as far away as posible from this months Kyoto meeting in Europe.

"The girl can't help it"

The Harpoville Post has learned that like Rona Ambrose and Harpo, Canada's respectability towards evironmental concerns is taking a header into a kiddy pool without water and she's hit bottom and nobody from the Conservative party is rushing to her assistance. The reality that the U.S., China, Austraila and Mexico aren't meeting their Kyoto objectives but, they're not giving up like Canada's Conservative party is.

"The Harpoville Post states that it is a disgrace to give up without even trying."

Paul And Heather McCartney Call it Quits

The Harpoville Post
Entertainment Wednesday

"It seems that trip to the ice flow left a chill in their marrage"

The Harpoville Post reports that Paul McCartney and wife of four years Heather Mills are throwing in the matrimonial towel and going their separate ways, he to his, soon to be her, farm in East Sessex, she shopping. It seems Paul's massive near 2 Billion dollar fortune will soon come under the knife much like Heather did back in 1993 when she lost her leg in a motorcycle accident, ouch!

The Harpoville Post has learned that the couples 25 year difference in age was not a factor in their separation when it is reported that Paul can still nail girls half her age while out on tour. Sir Paul, as he's likened to be called in bed, said that any rumors that his children had anything to do with the couple calling it ka-put are untrue. Paul met Heather through his oldest daughter Stella, which, had to have, made comments like, "Gee Paul, your wife's old enough to be your daughter", that much harder to endure. At last report Paul was heading to his farm to smoke a ton-o-dope and write some silly-little-love song and Heather was going shopping.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

If You Voted For Bush, Your an Idiot

"But, you're not alone"

The Harpoville Post
Political Editorial

"New polls show new lows"

The Harpoville Post has learned that U.S. President G.W. Bush has reached a new low in the polls with an acceptance of only 29% and those 29% must feel like fools. While G.W. declares war on Mexico's immigrants and adds them to the list of whom to do battle with, the American public must be feeling they are penciled in as the next contender.

The Harpoville Post reports that with six months to go till the congressional election the Republicans must be feeling a bit under the weather as their golden boy is looking a might tarnished since his acceptance polls have fallen from 47% in January to 29% in just 4 short months. With record high gas prices and U.S. soldiers from the Iraq war, that was declaired won 3 years ago, pileing up at the door G.W.'s may be feeling the need to circle the wagons starting at the border.

The Harpoville Post reports that G.W.'s Canadian Conservative 'Crazy Cousin' Stephen Harper has managed a stress free first 100 days in office, due mostly to him giving away the farm, the furniture and most of the (liberal/democratic) federal nest egg, just like G.W. did six years ago, in his first government budget. But, what's Harpo got up his sleeve for tomorrow? Unfortunately he was counting on his friendship with G.W. Bush to help power the illusionary glow bulb of competent leadership.

Memo to Harpo; switch to plan B

Gwyn Morgan Struck Down as Ethics Czar

"You won't have Gwyn Morgan to kick around anymore"

The Harpoville Post reports that Multi Millionair businessman Gwyn Morgan got turned down as Prime Minister Harpo's Ethics Czar and became quite put out when he did. It seems Gwyn's massive energy wealth and huge Harpo political donations aren't buying him the right to be numero uno ethicial finger pointer in Harpo's new Conservative elite.

The Harpoville Post has learned that news of the oppositions request to terminate any more notions of Mr. Morgan getting his hands on that sweet $1 Canadian dollar a year post has rumpled the feathers of many a governing Tory. Though no one knows how Prime Minister Harpo feels about it cause he still isn't talking to the media. Mr. Morgan, who is on record calling Canada a corrupt country, could have used the tax right offs that came with the ethics czar golden handshake. Mr. Morgan who made 6.8 Million in 2004 and refuses to state how much he leached out of the energy sector in 2005 could have written off much more than he could have chewed out his fellow Canadian's for not being as pristen as the business tycoon Mr. Morgan states he is.

The Harpoville Post reports that as Mr. Morgan hunkers down in his Lear Jet and flies home to Alberta, crumbling all the way, rumor has it, that the next bump in the energy radar screen may be ol' Gwyn seeking vengence for not being welcomed by Ottawa with open arms and massive tax breaks.

Canadians Swarm Across American Border

"While America turns it's attention southward Canadians make their move"

The Harpoville Post reports that while U.S. President G.W.Bush sends in the National Guard to man and protect the U.S./Mexican border Canadians are swarming across unguarded northern border posts. With all eyes fixed southward the northern borders are unmanned and Canadians are streaming across in record numbers.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Presidents desire to appease the Republican voter, this election year and to stop the constant stream of Mexicans from making their way north, to the promise land and sweet life of long hours and low pay in America, it has left its self open to a different kind of invasion, a 'Canadian invasion'. So, while their eyes are looking elsewhere and their borderguards backs are turned, Canadians are making their break and are moving in.

The Harpoville Post spoke to one American border town citizen and shopkeeper who told us, "Those dame Canadians come here to America expecting free health care, 5% alcohol in the beer and Canadian back-bacon it's like they don't even know they're in America. I had one guy walk in here asking me for something called Poutin, what the hell that is I don't know. And, they're always so fucking polite. They make me sick."

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadians are welcome in America during the winter months when they do jobs Americans refuse to do like snow shoveling, ice scrapping and snow mobile repair but, during the summer months they wander around aimlessly waiting for the first frost and a chance to get back to work.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Fat Lady Sings Of Conservative Praise

"Not over till the Fat Lady sings"

"Maybe this is where it gets started"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Harpo government has decided to leak the Auditor Generals report that gives them an A for avenging the Liberals. The first of Auditor Generals Sheila Fraser's three yearly reports, due out this week but, leaked today, kicks the cans of the old and trumpets the new Conservative Governments agenda.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the fat lady sings a strong Conservative chorus of, scrapping the gun registry, hold off increasing any Native spending to present rates, beefing up the militaries recruitment numbers and shake up Canada's Revenue Departments inability to collect 5 Billion dollars in outstanding tax debt. Along with songs of praise will come the thunderous roar of high fives and fat-back slapping from Conservatives desperately seeking approval and brownie points from something other than Tory paid for polls. Though the true test will be not for how loud the Fat Lady sings but, for how long she can hold the note four months from now when the Conservative agenda, not the Liberal, is then put under the sweety glaze of Ms. Fraser.

The Harpoville Post wonders whether the fine Ms. Fraser will hand out academic A's for amazing approval or average acceptance?

Harpers Dream Date Scenario

Sandra Buckler "We're still in the first date stage of Governing Canada"

The Harpoville Post reports that the secret Harpo Government is being secretive on their continued secrecy and Harpo's lack of communications advise isn't sure what to say about it either.

The Harpoville Post has learned since the Tory triumphant return to power their desire to stick around, for term number two, has them more afriad than showing any real signs of good governing. Harpo's first budget amounted to daddy's first Christmas home since he and mommy reconciled with him giving away everything but the turkey. But, the stunted news media is only now starting to speak up of what they're not getting out of this new open honest Harpo Government which is, information.

Harpo, "So, you come here often?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo's cry for more honest accountable government means less media access through removal of cameras and microphones from the halls of Parliament and secret Cabinet meetings which is something that has never been done before in Canadian politics. And although, the media whine about being shut out they allow the government to get away with it in hope Harpo will change.

Harpo, "What do yoy think of a guy who's never had a job and lives of his wifes parents money, go on be honest?"

The Harpoville Post spoke to Sandra Buckler, Harpo's media adviser who told us, "Harpo is running a more focused government, not like those other foot-in-mouth diseased governments of Martin and Chretien. It's really a need-to-know Government, when Harpo wants you to know, you'll know." We asked her why the governments habit of refusing to return telephone calls and handing out week old speeches and she said, "O'that I can mention to Harpo that you're unhappy with what you're getting and you can be crossed off the list. You see this is like a first-internet-date kind of Government. No-one really knows who this guy Harpo really is or what his true plans are so he's taking it easy putting on a new suit, big smile, cheap cologne and a false face. He shows up at you're door, usually late, with cheap flowers and a borrowed car then takes you out to dinner in a family restaurant with loads of specials, bad service and no liquor licence. After a boring evening of dull conversations he drops you off at the door, say's he's had a 'swell' time and promises to call or at least email but, never does. That's the new Conservative Government."

The Harpoville Post would just like to know what will be the true cost and damages Canadians will be stuck paying for at the end of this dream date.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Robbing Peter to Pay Paul Military Style

"Canadian Military saves $1.2 Million so taxpayers can pay $1.2 Million"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Canadian Military just came up with a great way to save, no spend, no save, no spend, no save, no spend more Canadian taxpayers money. It seems the Military are keen to trim some fat from their massive $500 Million a year fuel bill but, in doing so make Canadians pay more.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Military, the Navy in particular, can get a tax rebate on fuels (gas and oil) they use while being as little as 12 miles off shore from Canada's borders. This could amount to a savings of $1.2 Million a year which they can spend on things like, like, like, or they can just give back the money to the Canadian taxpayers.

The Harpoville Post spoke to rear-end Admiral Peter Tush who told us, "Yes we believe we can claim these fules back on our taxes and save on our massive fuel bills. We believe this will amount to great savings and allow us to reach our goal of trimming as much as $3 Million off our fuel costs." We asked the rear-end Admiral that claiming a tax rebate will only cost the Canadian taxpayers more in the end and he said, "No, I don't think so, this will allow the Military to save so it can spend those savings on other things like, like, like" Weapons? "Exactly."

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Canada's Creditabilty goes Ka-put

Peter MacKay "Man I'm about as wasted as the environment"

The Harpoville Post reports that a 'secret' document states that Canada will loose face with the rest of the world if it continues its quest to drop Kyoto and the environmental concerns from its to-do list. A document prepared for Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay says Canada will loose creditabilty and influence in future climate change talks if the government continues its plan to do little or nothing to help clean up the enviroment.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Ryan Sparrow assistant to Canada's Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose, who was out test driving SUV's, and he told us, "Our leader Harpo doesn't care what the rest of the world thinks he has made it clear we will proceed with our 'Made in Canada' solution and spend money on just cleaning our Canada's environment." We tried to explain the Mr. Sparrow that the environment is global and does not just stop at the edge of Canada's borders and he said, "I don't think so. As Rona expained it to me that the air over Canada can be cleaned up by giving away bus passes, so people will take buses and not use their cars which sounds like a nice easy way to fix things. You see, Rona knows all about the environment, she's read some pamphlets and brochures and she's really quite on top of this whole global warming thing, you'll see, she's not just a girl with an in creditable eye for fashion and colors, she really is a thinker. So, maybe people should just sit back and let the people driving this bus drive the bus, OK, yea, that's just great well, I got-a-go."

Friday, May 12, 2006

Wigger Bears Spotted...... What Next?

"High Yella comes to the High North"

The Harpoville Post reports that new DNA results reveal what northern hunters and trappers have suspected for years, the interracial mating between brown Grizzly and White Polar Bears in the wild. Now, scientists are wondering if this is a vision of things to come.

The Harpoville Post has learned that guides in Canada's far north had suspected something strange about these animals for years. We spoke to one such northern guide, Warren Hugo who told us, "I've lived and worked as a guide in the north for many years as my father and his father before him but, I never imagined that we'd ever come across something like this." We asked Mr. Hugo to explain and he said, "Well, nomally we could tell a Polar Bear from far away because of the way they walk, more upright and in a straight line. But, these, these Wigger Bears walk all hunched over with their fur hanging down their back side. And they swagger when they walk, that's about the best way I can describe it."

The Harpoville Post reports though this news of Polar and Grizzy mating in the wild has suprised many it has relieved one mans fears. Idaho big game hunter Jim Mikill paid $45,000 to hunt and kill Polar bears and was facing a $100. fine and a stern talking to for killing a Grizzly when the news was revealed.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Mr. Mikill who said, "I pay good money to kill Polar bears now we find that the Polar bears and the Grizzy's are getting it on and you can't tell the difference between them. Son-of-a-bitch. It's the same when you're walking down the street in Boise, you hear all that loud crazy jungle music and you turn around and it's a bunch a white kids acting all down like, God-dame little wiggers......... I hate wiggers."

Thursday, May 11, 2006

NSA Tracking While American's Yakking

"You'd be suprised how many people have phone sex"

The Harpoville Post reports that the NSA have been very busy of late listening to millions of Americans, ten of millions to be more exact. The United States Spy Agency has been busy sitting around listening to Americans or at least collecting the records from AT&T, Verizon and South Bell while they sit around listening.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Air Force General Micheal Hayden, who has been head of the NSA since 1999 and is now in line to be the new number one guy at the CIA, was the overseer of all the survalence. Though the White House swears they weren't listening in to average Americans conversations the records prove otherwise. Since 2001 200 million customers to AT&T, Bell South and Verizon have at on time or another had their telephone conversations listened to and taped. Said one AT&T employee, "You'd be suprised how many American's are yanking while their yakking."

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