Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Hospital Wait Times Will Have To Wait

Tony Clement: "I've suggested bigger waiting rooms."

The Harpoville Post reports of the Harpo Government Minister of Ill-Health Tony Clement suggestions on what to do about hospital room wait times,.............. wait for it.

The Harpoville Post spoke with Mr. Clement in Harpoville yesterday, he said; "Hospital wait times will just have to wait. I've suggested having a number system like they have at the fish market. Where you take a number and wait and eventually they call your number and you walk up to the counter and they say "Do you have a number?" and I say yes and they OK wait over there. We believe this will solve a lot of problems."

The Harpoville Post asked if he had any other ideas to improve the hospitals, Mr. Clement said; "I suggested a take a liver leave a liver tray at all emergency rooms. That went over pretty good, I think. But, wait times is somthing we'll just have to pitch in and row together, to run ideas up the flag pole, all of us rowing in the same direction. But, it won't be like the Titanic either, I mean I hope not. I mean what if what we did caused it to go down the crapper, that wouldn't be very nice now would it."

When The Harpoville Post told Mr. Clement that these ideas had all been suggested by previous Ministers of Ill-Health he said: "OK, how about this, bigger waiting rooms with nice soft music playing in the back ground. And we could offer free coffee, but that might agitate some people. OK, I got it herb tea,....... That's it we'll offer people herb tea. ...... See, wasn't that easy.

CANADA Invades Afghanistan

Where does Canada get the 'BALLS'

The Harpoville Post reports today of Canada's invasion of Afghanistan with 2200 troops. News of Canada's early morning invasion shocked the patrons of Harpoville as they awoke.

The Harpoville Post spoke with Maj.Gen. Beni Freaky the leader of Canada's invading forces. and he said; "My soldiers are here to fight but, also look good. We're looking hot and we're ready for action."

The Harpoville Post learned the 2200 troops will be helping the 17 American soldiers left behind when the American's left Afghanistan to invaded Iraq.

Maj.Gen. Freaky told The Harpoville Post, "I know we haven't been out since the 40's and the ladies are a little rusty but, we're here to kick up some dust and dame well, pardon my french, we're going to do it,.......... so that's what we'll do."

When The Harpoville Post asked Maj.Gen. Freaky about the 1,600 Afghans and 17 Americans who have died since the American occupation, he said; "Wow! Those sure are impressive numbers, but, we plan to work hard to met or beat those numbers in the upcoming days, weeks, months, and years."

Pam Anderson Brings Her Tits to the Junos

The Harpoville Post
Entertainment Feature:

Pam and 'The Twins' plan a trip to Harpoville.

The Harpoville Post is pleased to report of the news that Pam Anderson will be coming to Harpoville to host this years Juno awards and she plans to bring 'The Twins' along too.

The Juno's are Canadian music awards given to artist long past their prime and nearly forgotten. There's an old saying in Harpoville, "You know your careers over when you receive a Juno".

The Harpoville Post learned that although this will be Pam and 'The Twins' first visit to Harpoville, Pam was born right here in Canada.

Pam Anderson was born Kate T. Lang on July 1st. 1967 but was quickly and quietly moved to America after it was discovered Pam was born with breasts already an A cup. Whist away to Hollywood where she started her acting career by being the first baby 'Tabitha' on the TV series Bewitched. But, by age 3 Pam had grown into a B cup and was quickly dropped from the series when it was revealed her breasts were bigger than either of the two stars of the show, Elisabeth Montgomery or Dick York.

After that Pam was passed around Hollywood usually used to pump up rattings in the last dying days of a TV series. Shows like The Brady Bunch, Gunsmoke, Hawaii 5O and Mayberry RFD, where Pam played Aunt B. and Floyd the Barber's illegitimate daughter visiting from Raleigh.

Finally Pam got her 'big' break as she grew from a D to a Double D cup and was featured as a tool on the hit TV show Home Improvement. Shortly after that Pam came bouncing into the hearts and living rooms of North America and eventually the World when she starred in the hit TV show Bay Watch.

After that her fame, like her breasts grew, then deminished, then grew, then deminished, then grew to unbelievable heights, and she has remained the stacked shinning star she is today.

David Emerson Confident Illusionist

"Is this Cracker on Crack? "

The Harpoville Post learned today the Minister of Rough Trade and parttime confidence illusionist David Emerson said that he'd sure to be elected as a Conservative in his Vancouver riding, if an election were held today. This is the same riding he was elected as a Liberal in just five weeks ago.

The Harpoville Post ecourages Mr. Emerson to take his illusionist show on the road and have a re-election, Mr Emersion's reply; "I think I hear my Master Harpo calling I must go now, can't keep my Master waiting".

The streets of David Emerson's Vancouver riding have been ripe with protest since Dave was elected Liberal then lured across the floor to the Conservative camp with a Peach Pie job of Minister of Rough Trade.

The Harpoville Post has learned that in Mr. Emerson's staunch Liberal riding only 18 percent voted Conserative, and his loyal Liberals are picketing the streets calling for his head. Dave is showing his love and is rewarding his loyal Liberal followers by having them arrested and thrown in jail.

The Harpoville Post has been unable to contact leader Harpo on this matter, or any other. It seems Harpo has left Dave Emerson out on his own to defend his greedy, self serving, turn coat ways.

The Harpoville Post askes, "How is the master illusionist going to make this all disappear?"

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Gwyn Morgan; "Canada is Corrupt"

The Harpoville Post
Sunday Editorial:

The Harpoville Post reports that Gwyn Morgan the executive chair of EnCana Corp., was in Harpoville this past week speaking to 100 very wealthy at The Empire Club.

The Harpoville Post listened as Mr. Morgan said; "Canada is corrupt because of increased drug use, internet porn and the increase violence on TV and on the streets of our country."

The Harpoville Post asked Mr. Morgan what was big business's role in the increase cost of living that helps drive the immoral values he speakes of, his reply; "It's up to business leaders to act as role models, to care and show strong ethical values."

The Harpoville Post then learned that Gwyn Morgan made $6.8 million dollars in the energy sector in 2004 and has refused to reveal how much he made in 2005.

The Harpoville Post asked Mr. Morgan if he had thought of running for politics, his answer; "I make way too much money to care that much."

For this The Harpoville Post has awarded Gwyn Morgan The 'Eat The Rich' Medal.
And it looks good on him.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

MEXICO: Canada's 'Tropical Graveyard'

The Harpoville Post
Advertizing Feature;

Come To Mexico, Fun, Sun and Caskets.
Let McCasket's Fun-eral Home give you
'a Holiday to remember.'

Mexico has been know for years as the perfect place to getaway, and if your planning a getaway, we at McCasket say getaway from it all in Mexico, Canada's new 'Tropical Graveyard'.

With McCasket's new 'Tropical Burial' you get it all, Fun, Sun, cheap woman, cheap booze and cheap smokes, and then when you got it all, be buried on the beach. It is a holiday to remember.

Enjoy my-ties in the morning, Fun and Sun in the afternoon then get buried at sunset.
It's The McCasket's way to end the perfct day.

Contact a McCasket's Fun-eral Home near you and plan your final getaway the McCasket's way.

With The McCasket's Tropical Burial you'll be saying; "Honey why didn't we do this sooner."


Wanted: A few good Terrorists

The Harpoville Post reports of Canada's plan to allow third world terrorists a chance to prove themselves in Canada's new military.

The Harpoville Post has just learned that Canadian Citizenship will be granted to anyone who signs up for Canada's 'New War' effort.

Offensive Staph-General Rick Hillier told The Harpoville Post, "We've swept the reform schools, the police holding cells, and the Mall security cameras looking for a few (23,000) good men, and we've come up empty. We'll take anyone at this point."

General Rick, as he is affectionately called by his troops, has sweetened the deal by adding a weeks holidays and a case of blue to those who sign up.

The Harpoville Post asked 'General Rick' if they had searched Canada's prisons for soldiers, he replied; "The Canadian prisons are full of thieves, murders and pot heads we don't want them. But, we haven't ruled out searching through foreign prisons yet."

When General Rick was asked why there is a problem with army recruiting, he said; "I just don't know why kids today aren't drawn into playing with guns, camping out in unbearable conditions and living in fear that they may die that day. It all sounds quite exciting really, but, I guess if they want the "Terrorists" to move to Canada, join the army, buy a house next door to their parents, and get a good job working at Walmart or Tim Horton's, well, if their OK with that I'm OK with that."

The Harpoville Post reports that with Harpo's new mility aggression policy taking shape all that is needed now is men, guns, tanks, ships, armour, ammo, planes, helicopters, etc, etc, etc, etc o'yea and ca$h.


The Juice is Loose

O.J. Sought as prime suspect.

The Harpoville Post reports there has been a big break in the killings of two Canadians in Mexico.
It seems the Mexician police believe this may be the work of O.J. Simpson.

The Harpoville Post interviewed Mexician Police Chief Wan A. Outaher, and he told The Harpoville Post, "Si, O.J.'s our man. Si, the cutting technique was very professional and there's the fact there were no footprints at the scene, even with all that blood. A real pro. job, Si, 'The Juice' is on the loose."

The Harpoville Post asked the Chief of Police, if anyone saw O.J. at the Hotel or at the airport. "Si, my cousin, Sal, saw O.J. running through the airport, jumping over bags, he was in a real hurry, a real hurry."

O.J. has managed to stay out of the reach of police since his name arouse as a chief suspect in the case. But, The Harpoville Post managed to catch up to 'The Juice' out on the 13 tee of his favorite golf course in South Florida, where he resides.

The Harpoville Post asked O.J. what he thought of these accusations, his reply; "What the fuck? Who let you on this course?....... Are you members? ........ Canadians, I don't know no Canadians. ........ You better get you're lilly white asses off this course or I'm going to ram this four iron up your ass and show you what Christmas is like around my house."

The Harpoville Post asked the Chief of Police if there was any truth to the rumor of a bloody glove found at the scene, he replied; "Si, there was one bloody glove found at the scene, but that was a catchers mit and we do not feel it was important, so I cleaned it up and gave it to my son."


Is Canada at War?

The Harpoville Post reports today that Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald O'Connor, Harpo's new Minister of War, came screaming out with the new Conservative battle cry for war.

In a Conservative news brief, held to deflate cries from concerned Canadian citizens against sending 2200 troops to Afghanistan, the 'crazy eyed' Minister of War Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Carroll O'Connor told The Harpoville Post, "At 9/11 terrorists attacked North America and killed Canadians. Let me make it clear that when Canadians are killed Canada will defend itself, that is why we are in Afghanistan."

When The Harpoville Post asked the 'old crazy eyes' O'Connor, "Are you saying Afghanistan attacked Canada in 9/11? Mr. O'Connor replied; "9/11, terrorists, 9/11, terrorists."

The Harpoville Post has learned Canadians believe there should be a debate before sending 2200 troops to Afghanistan. The NDP defence critic Delta Dawn Black said, "I think there should be a debate."
The Liberal party have called for a debate by saying, "Even if we just get together and debate whether a debate should be held in order to debate the sending of 2200 troops to Afghanistan. Both party's agree what we need is a debate.

The Harpoville Post asked 'old crazy eyes'; is there a direct threat from the country of Afghanistan? 'Crazy Eyes' replied; "9/11 terrorists, terrorists, 9/11, O'yea, terrorists, 9/11, 9/11"

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Team Canada's Loss is Your Gain

'Turn that frown upside down'.

The Harpoville Post reports today on Team Canada's squashed Olympic attempt to the hands of Team Russia means Team Canada will be heading home.
In the 2 to 0 upset Team Russia out shot Team Canada by 33 to 26 shots on goal, to send the boys packing.

The Harpoville Post was in Turin Italy to watch all of Team Canada's losses in their 2006 Olympic bid. A 2-0 loss to Team Switzerland and a 2-0 lose to Team Finland only cemented Team Canada's 2-0 loosing streak.

The Harpoville Post reports that, now the boys are heading home with sweaty 'jock straps' and memories of Team Canada Ladies Hockey team winning 'Gold' at this years Olympics, it's a good time for you to start loading up on great savings on all Team Canada clothing.

The Harpoville Post has been informed that the Harpoville Bay Store is slashing prices to clear out all their overstocked Team Canada clothing.
The Harpoville Bay Store suggests you take your time coming in because there is plenty of stock in all sizes.

"Dumber Than a Bag of Hammers"

Fast Food Giant admits filling their Gluten free French Fries with Gluten.

The Harpoville Post reports of the fast food giant admitting that the gluten is used to flavor their french fries because they have no flavor other than gluten.

The Harpoville Post has also learned that the company's french fries have 1/3 more trans-fat than they even thought possible.

The Harpoville Post reports a woman from Los Angeles has sued the fast food giant because of the report of dairy in the french fries. The woman claims of being a vegan, 'though not a very bright one', because she eats in a restaurant that advertises they sell dead cow on a bun and she doesn't eat dairy.

A representataive said, "I swear they're dumber than a bag of hammers."

He suggested they rewrite the menu to read; our hamburgers have no meat in them, our mike shakes no milk, our ketchup contains no tomatoes, our french fries no potatoes or any french, our Egg A'Muffin contains no egg or muffin, and our fish sandwich has no fish....... Now come and get it.

The Harpoville Post reports the company may start requesting their customers take an IQ test before they are served. A number of years ago they were sued for serving hot coffee, to a woman who ordered hot coffee, then put it between her legs, while sitting in a car, and burned her lap. To this Einstein they paid $160,000.

The Harpoville Post learned the company's claim that their french fries were gluten, diary or wheat free were untrue. But, said; "If your the type of customer who likes these item in your french fries we got them here."

The company said "We've reviewed things we've said in the past and found them untrue, so expect more in the furture............" Then added; "Would you like fries with that?"

Photo By Julie Soefer
From 'Super Size Me'

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Popeye Pissed at U.S. Ports Purchase

Et Tu Brute?

The Harpoville Post has learned of Popeye's outrage on the selling of U.S. sea ports along the Eastern seaboard.

"I'm flab-e-gas-ded," Popeye told The Harpoville Post when he learned the G.W. Brutus's Government was handing over the operations of the six Eastern Seaboard Ports to the United Empire Emirates.
"I'm mor-da-fied." he told The Harpoville Post of Brutus's plan; "Et Tu Brute? He added.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Popeye The Sailor, an experenced sailor of the seven seas, a man that has docked into more ports than a landlubber has parked his minivan.
Popeye told The Post; "Brutus has done some low down dirty tricks in his day but this sertinly takes the cake."

The Harpoville Post spoke to Popeye at his home at The Harpoville Seamans Hotel. "I am what I am and that's all that I am," he said "I can't's believe dis, handin' over da docks to da terrorists, dat Brutus."
Popeye's long time girlfriend Olive Oil said "O'Popeye, you haven't been to sea in years, lord knows you haven't hoisted your main sail in forever, why make such a big deal out of this?"
"You knows I loves ya Olive but, I'm trying da make a point here." Popeye said; "Brutus is selling seaports beside the seashore for six billion bucks, and I's just knows dat ain't right." Popeye went on to say; "Da fault dar Brutus lies not in the stars but in ourselves, that we are underlings of our own fate."

The Harpoville Post must go out on a limb and like Popeye speak out against the United States cry to spend more and more money on security for its people and then turn around and let another country man its ports to some of the biggest cities in the world.
"Et Tu Brute?"

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Smoking on the Rise with Harpoville Men

Is Stress The Cause?

The Harpoville Post health report states that smoking in middle aged men is on the rise, but why?

The Harpoville Post spoke to Dr. Phillip A. Hasio of the Harpoville Medical Study Group who worked on the study.

The Harpoville Post asked Dr. Phil A. Hasio why, and he said; "Well I guess that is the question, 'why', but we're not sure. We went and researched this increase in smoking in men 30 to 50 years of age, and we're not sure why. Is it the high stress of Harpoville living. The hustle and bustle of the big city life. Maybe the smoking relieves the pressure of our 10 to 12 hour work day, I'm just not sure."

The Harpoville Post went out into the streets to talk to the families of these men about the increase in their smoking. "They're lazy assholes, they stand around all day talking how hard this is and how hard that is, but, they don't do shit," said one Harpoville wife. "Then when night time comes and you go to bed suddenly nothing is hard anymore, they're useless."

So, there you have it, in Harpoville smoking is on the rise, but, little else.


We Seek Him Here
We Seek Him There
We Seek The Allusive Harpo

The Harpoville Post reports today of the strange disappearance of our beloved leader Harpo. Harpo has not been seen or heard from for over two weeks. The last time he spoke to The Harpoville Post, was when he announced his new cabinet.

The Harpoville Post had reported on his meeting with the King of America G.W.Bush just last week, but they met in secret and no photos were taken.

The Harpoville Post contacted Chief Constable Hugh Dickey of The Royal Canadian Mounted Police about reports of Harpo's disappearance. C.C. Hugh Dickey replied; "Missing, aye, I didn't hear anything about that. You can fill out a missing person report if you like but, I wouldn't worry about it, he'll show up, either on TV or at the morgue"
When asked by The Harpoville Post whether he was not concerned that the new Prime Minister of Harpoville was missing, his reply; "Not really, you see I've worked under five Prime Minister's, three in the last three years. If this one gets lost or disappears another will come along and take his place. Anyway, have you met Harpo in person? I don't think anyone can honestly say; ' They're missing the man', if you know what I mean. "

The Harpoville Post search for Harpo continues, but as Chief Constable Hugh Dickey added; "It's one thing to go missing, it's quite another to be missed."

Sunday, February 19, 2006

"Death To All Cartoonist"........Cartoons May Be Rubbed Out.

The Harpoville Post has learned a Pakistani Cleric has offered 1.5 million rupees about $47.50 US, and a 1977 Dodge Rambolt for the death of cartoonist.
As reported earlier in The Harpoville Post the cartoons themselves are living in fear, thinking they will be next and now with the news that the cartoonist will be killed they know they're one step closer to being 'rubbed out'.

As Islamic protesters march through the streets of downtown Pakistan holding signs, written in english, reading ; 'Death To All Cartoonist', 'Don't Play With Our Religion' and another reading, 'Bring Back Arrested Development', cartoons all over Harpoville are living in fear, not sure when the next eraser will fall.

Foghorn Leghorn said from his Harpoville Hen House, "I say, I say it's just that they just don't listen boy. Are you listening to me boy, I say, are you listening to me boy? Mr. Leghorn spoke in confidence as we walked beside the chicken wire fence that surrounds his property. "You just don't know. It's like what came first the chicken or the egg? .... You just don't know, but, I'll tell you who comes first in my Hen House, and that's the Rooster."

Local Harpovillian Elmer Fudd spoke to The Harpoville Post just prior to his extented hunting trip and said; "They're a waskaly bunch, wheel twicky. So, I'm goin' huntin and catch me a wabbit."
When The Harpoville Post informed local resident Bugs Bunny of the fear rising amongest our local Harpoville illustrations he replied, "Wabbit huntin' season, aye, thanks for da tip Doc."

The Harpoville Post caught up with The Simpsons creator Matt Groening in Los Angeles at The Old Hollywood Haberdashery and Terban Outlet, and when we asked him his opinion, he said; "Well there is nothing to fear, the Simpsons family have been moved to another Springfield in another 'undisclosed' State, where they are safe."

When we asked Mr. Groening what plans he had made for his own personal safety, he replied, "I have no plans to change the way I live. I feel it's a free country we live in and as long as you don't make too much fun of the Bush administration we're safe......... Hey guy's what do you think, Does this Turban make me look too hip-y? I hear these things can put ten pounds on you."

Friday, February 17, 2006

Rush Limbaugh Declaires "Brown The New Black"

Fashion Statement to end all Fashion Statements

The Harpoville Post reports today that Rush Limbaugh, the right wing talk show radio host, from south of the border, down Americano way, has admitted to being color blind.

Rush admitted this to The Harpoville Post after news broke of Rush saying of Ohio Democratic Rep. Sherrod Brown, "Now don't forget, Brown is the new Black." When Rush was first asked if he was making a fashion statement, Rush replied, "What, are you people so blind you can't see that." Later when Rush was informed by Seeing Eye aid, Manuel Enwel, that Sherrod Brown was actually Caucasian, Rush replied, "Are you sure? He sure sounds black to me, look again."

The Harpoville Post has learned that it is Rush's color blindness that nearly got him kicked out of broadcasting in the beginning.

Rush told The Harpoville Post; "When I first started my broadcasting career I saw myself destined to be on the little screen, TV. But, my inability to see the red light on top of camera signaling it was on, plus the size of my massive cranium made me decide to make the switch to radio.
Which I have been incredibility successful at, let me tell you there have been good years, and incredibly good years for me. Why I remember."............... (At this point the reporter for The Harpoville Post was lulled into a state of unconsciousness and was unable to report the rest of what Rush said, but it went something like this; "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, etc, etc., etc. End of interview.)

Rush's perscution of him sending his cleaning lady out to buy "Hillbilly Heroin" a few years ago only boosted his ratings with many of the U.S. abusers or "Ditto Heads" as they are known, of this well known pharmaceutical Oxycontin.

Rush speaking to The Harpoville Post from his South Florida lair where he broadcasts three hours of right-wing radio each day said; "It's a sad day in America when a man is persecuted for his lack of visionary color, a sad day indeed."

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

CHENEY, Second Shooter Suspect

Cheney Know in Texas as "Hair Trigger Dick"

The Harpoville Post has learned of a new twist in the U.S. Vice President Dick "Hair Trigger" Cheney shooting incident from this past weekend. There is new talk coming out of Texas today of a second shooter.

The Harpoville Post reports that just after the shoots were fired, spectators ran towards an elevated patch of tall Texas grass know in Texas as a Knoll. There are reports of 'smoke' being seen coming from out of the grassy Knoll, though a common occurrence in Texas, onlookers were seen running in that direction.
Since it was the Vice President at the event and the area was swarmed with Secret Service, still, no one was picked up for questioning and none of the agents were available for comment.

The Harpoville Post is also looking into the time line of the shooting. As earlier reported, Vice President Dick "Hair Trigger" Cheney was there for the first day of The Texas Lawyer Open, an annual event where lawyers are hunted down, shot, stuffed and mounted. But, The Harpoville Post has learned that questions have risen on when exactly "Hair Trigger" started shooting.

The event was set to begin on February 13, the day before Valentines Day, but reports now show the shooting happened on Saturday February 11, two days before the event set start date.
The Saturday before is set aside for registration of the lawyers, an opportune time for an "easy kill shot", or to "bag a lawyer", out of season. Which would explan Cheney's earlier comment to The Harpoville Post of "I nailed him stepping out of his Beemer."

The Harpoville Post has learned that "Hair Trigger" has been cleared by the courts of any wrong doing in this matter, when The Texas Supreme Court used 'White Out' to change the date of the event from February 13, to February 11.

"As far as we are concerned this case is closed and Dick is free as a bird." Said Justice Owen Lots; "We're all pretty excited when this event rolls around every year, some a lot more than others."

When The Harpoville Post asked Justice Owen Lots about Dick Cheney's nickname of "Hair Trigger Dick", he said; "No comment, you'll have to ask his wife about that."

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Elderly Epidemic in Harpoville

Elderly dying at alarming rate

The Harpoville Post is saddened to report, on this Valentines Day, that our aged are rapidly dying of natural causes and the numbers grow day by day. Reports of a study, just released from The Harpoville Medical Study Group say that the elderly in Harpoville are dying at alarming rates.

The Harpoville Post askes; "Is this an epidemic?"

The study shows that men and women between the ages of 60 to 70 years of age are dying less than those between the ages of 70 and 80 years of age. But, the study goes on to also show that the elderly, between the ages of 90 and 100 have the highest mortality rate than all the other groups combined.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Dr. Philip A. Hachico who headed the extensive research for, the subject study group, and he said; "I've gone over the findings over and over and over again and we've come to the conclusion that the 100 year old man may be extinct." The doctor said from his Harpoville home. "And there is a very good chance we will not be able to reverse our findings."
What is causing this alarming death rate in our elderly? ....... "Is it an epidemic?"

The Harpoville Post asked two elderly Harpovillians to comment, Miss Constance Cumming said "I don't want to die, I have too many things to do." Mr. J.R. Rearing told The Harpoville Post, "Good, it couldn't come soon enough. That's the problem with life it takes too god-dame long."

There you have it, two opposite views on Harpoville's elderly epidemic. Maybe one day, maybe soon, we'll answer that important question; is life for the elderly cut short or taking forever?

Monday, February 13, 2006

Cocaine Blizzard Coats New York City

"It's like 1978 all over again, baby."

The Harpoville Post reports that a foot of Cocaine fell on the streets of New York City this past weekend. Making traffic in the city of over ten million, grind its teeth to a halt, and walking very, very quickly the only mode of transportation. New York reported that talking and sleeping were the tasks most affected by the blizzard with reports of New Yorkers staying up for days, calling everyone on the planet and not shutting up.

The Harpoville Post spoke to one man seen whirling and whirling down Fifth Avenue, and asked, what effect this blizzard had on him? his reply, "Just look at me I'm alive, I'm alive, it's like 1978 all over again baby, except we still have Aids."

The freak Cocaine blizzard is a result of the seldom seen freakish North Easterly winds that blow up from Columbia also known as the Nose Hairs, for the way they devastate everything in their path with a white sticky substance.

With New York City road crews unable to handle the nightmarish task of cleaning up the Cocaine, Drug Cartels from around the world were called in the help package the white powdery substance and get it back to the streets of other major American cities before it is missed.

CHENEY, Lawyer Season Opens in Texas

Gets off with a 'BANG'

The Harpoville Post reports that the 2006 Lawyer Hunting Season opened in Texas today and the event got off with a 'bang', as Vice President Dick Cheney bagged the first Lawyer of the season.

When asked about his kill Mr. Chaney proudly said, "Lawyer's are a tricky bunch, they slide on their bellies like snakes. To bag a lawyer you've got to think like a lawyer."

The annual event is held ouside of Austin in late winter when the cold muck makes it easier for lawyers to slither through the tall Texas grass.
Lawyers come from all over the United States to participate in the event. The prize for the hunter is a stuffed and mounted lawyer to put over your fireplace or hang in your den.
The lawyers that surive the hunt are given prosperous Law practices with such large U.S. coporations as Exxon and Ford Motors. Though thousands of lawyers participate in the event only the toughest, smartest and slimmest survive.

Vice President Dick Cheney added, "I was very lucky to get one so early in the season. Actually, I got him when he was getting out of his Beemer. Now I can take him back to Washington and hang him up in the Oval Office, a present for the President.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The KING is 'in' The Building

Hail, Hail the Kings all here.

The Harpoville Post is pleased to report The King of America, G.W. Bush himself, made a suprise visit to Harpoville to meet with our grand leader Harpo.

Had the good patrons of Harpoville known, beforehand of his visit they would surly have lined the streets with a welcome fit for a King.

The King of America did not come empty handed when he arrived in Harpoville, he disembarked from Air Force One with a big book of great knowledge all grand rulers should possess.

Entitled Presidency For Dummies, G.W. himself poclaimed "Although this book is written in Americian, I'm sure it will translat well into Canadianese" to which he added, "It might even translate into French-waw, I don't know you'd have to check on that."
Shortly after that The King of America and our great ruler Harpo retired to 24 Harpoville Row where they could speak in private.

The Harpoville Post was luckly enough to obtain a transcript of this momentious moment in history as these two great leaders converse.

Harpo: It's sure is nice of you to come all the way to Harpoville your Highess, or can I call you Dicky yet.
G.W.: Very funny Harpo, let's cut the shit, where's my cheque?
Harpo: What do you mean sir?
G.W.: You know exactly what I mean, you wanted to be PM I helped you be PM, that don't mean shit to me.
Harpo: We'll I'm finding it quite exciting sir.
G.W.: Are you 'special' or something? Get it through you're thick Canadian skull. I'm out there fighting a war on freedom, and that cost money, lot's of money.
Harpo: I understand sir, but, I put the cheque in the mail this morning.
G.W.: You what?
Harpo: I'm sure Canada Post will deliver it in a few days or weeks.
G.W.: Shit.
Harpo: Well, I hope that wasn't the only reson for your visit.
G.W.: No, I have to get Donni and Marie Rumsfield back in the US.
Harpo: They're leaving Harpoville? They're quite a handsome couple.
G.W.: It doesn't look good having your Secretary of Defence moving to Harpoville so he can marry his gay lover, it's really not the 'American way'. How long is it going to take to get rid of the dame gay marriage law?
Harpo: I'm working on that now sir.
G.W.: Good, we're up to our ass in visa requests, and the Mary's are massing at the border. Anyway I've got to get back, it seems Dick Cheney shot a lawyer in Texas.
Harpo: I hope he's alright.
G.W.: Dickie's fine, thank god it was in Texas or he'd be up shit-creek without a..., without a... creek. We're just not sure if he shot a Republican or a Democrat lawyer.
Harpo: Is there a difference?
G.W.: Very little, but, in Texas there's a bounty on Democrat lawyers, and if he bagged one of those he'll want his money in cash.
Harpo: Well thanks for dropping by sir.
G.W.: Sure, sure, give my best to the misses.
Harpo: I will sir.
G.W.: You did marry a woman didn't you Harpo?
Harpo: Yes sir, I believe I did.
G.W.: Thank god for that, I swear its like everyone is 'special' up here.
Harpo: Thank you sir, and we think your pretty special too.
G.W.: That's not the 'special' I meant, com-pren-dee?
Harpo: I think so sir.
G.W.: See you Harpo, and read that book, it has some good tips on world domination, not that you'll get to use them.

Buzz Bumped for Voting for the Losers

The Harpoville Post has learned that Canadian Auto Workers President Buzz Hargrove has been kicked out of the NDP Party for voting for the 'BIG' losers in last months election.

The NDP claim that Buzz or 'Bong Hit' as he's known to his friends, a long time NDP member, voted for the liberals in this past election.

An NDP spokesperson said, "We realize we are losers in this past election but, not as big a loser as the liberals. And somewhere in the NDP handbook it states that a member of the NDP party can not vote for a party that is a bigger loser than the NDP in any Harpoville federal election were the NDP are expected to be the losers in. I can't recall exactly were it says it in the handbook but, it's in there, somewhere."

When The Harpoville Post asked Buzz 'Bong Hit' Hargrove what his response was to these allegations, Bong Hit's reply was, "You know man when you get up in the morning, around noon, and there's somthing you're supposed to do but, you can't like think of it, so, the first thing you do when you get out of bed is to hit the bong man, right, then suddenly what you were supposed to do like vanishes man, and you just can't think of that thing you're supposed to do so you figure, man, I'll just put on some tunes and chill a while, and wait till what I was supposed to do comes back, and man sometimes it does but, not in this case."

The Haproville Post asked Bong Hit what he will do next, his relpy was. "You know man it's a drag they don't want me in the band, man, cause I think we really had a sound, which is really hard to come by, but man, I'm cool, there are other bands out there man that need a good,..... need a good,...... what instrument do I play man?"

Harpoville Muslim Protesters Protest Computer Screens

Harpoville's Future Shop, CompuServe and Target May be Targets.

Walmart Not Ruled out

The Harpoville Post learned today that Harpoville Muslim proterters that are protesting cartoons of Allah are also protesting computer screens that display images of the cartoons.
The offensive cartoons in question, were first published last September in a newspaper in Denmark.
The Harpoville Muslim protestors wish to apoligize that it took them till January, some five months later to get the joke the cartoons were referring to and to realize how offensive the said cartoons were.

The Harpoville Muslim's want everyone to know they are sorry it took five months for them to get the joke, that wasn't very funny once they did get the joke, but apoligize for their lack of awareness to their own cause of stopping images of Allah in not very Allah like depictions.
Since no newspapers in Harpoville plan to publish the offensive cartoons in question a computer screen is the only way to view these said offensive cartoons.

The Harpoville Muslim's aren't sure when they may start protesting at The Harpoville Future Shop, The Harpoville CompuServe, or whether they'll even bother to target Harpoville's only Target.
Or, if they'll protest other store that sell computer screens that, once pluged in, turned on, and connected to the internet could, if you knew where to find them, call up the said offensive cartoons in question.

When The Harpoville Post asked if Walmart will be picked as a protest point a Harpoville Muslim's replied. "Gee, I don't even know if they sell computer screens. I have to go out there later today to pick up some things, I guess I'll ask while I'm out there."

The Harpoville Muslim's have promised to contact The Harpoville Post once they had decided where and what to protest.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

GRETZKY: What's Wrong With Wayne

Why, Wayne, Why?

The Harpoville Post reports today of crying children lining the streets of Harpoville dressed in tattered and torn Gretzky Number 99 kids apparal screaming out, Why. Wayne Why?

With reports of 'The Great One' being more involved, than first thought, in a betting scandal that is sweeping the news, more and more Harpovillians are left feeling dazed and confused.

A spokesperson for the leading car manufacture Gretzky lends is name to said; "If Wayne doesn't clear himself from this pile of shit quick I'm afraid, like the T-Bird, he'll be last years model.

Another spokesperson for a leading fast food chain said; "If that boy don't take off his skates and run, we'll be dropping his ass into a fryer like a noonday filet of Salmonella."

These companies like thousands of others that 'The Great One', lends his face and name to for large amounts of cash must be rethinking their wonder boy spokesperson.
But, one wonders how long, they'll stand behind 'The Great One" before the stench is too great.

When The Harpoville Post asked his wife Janet if she would bet Wayne would come out of this unscathed? She said. "You bet I do.... What are the odds?"

CRAZY COUSIN'S Exciting New Book: 'HARPOVILLE 154'

The Harpoville Post
Sunday Book Review

Welcome Cousin to another glorious day of overcast and drizzle here in Harpoville.

The Harpoville Post is pleased to announce the arrival of the exciting new book by our supreme leader Harpo. The further adventures of Crazy Cousin in the soon to be classic 'HARPOVILLE 154'.

How truly luckly we are Cousin, to be blessed with his diligence to created another grand novel, a follow up to his earlier masterpiece; '2006'. Another telling of truth for us to ponder and cherish for years to come. Already destine to be a best seller this view of our glorious future now foretold in 'HARPOVILLE 154'.

The story unfolds, Cousin, in the not too distant future to a time when our glorious world is rid of the lies that infest the homes of the fine patrons of Harpoville though the use of televised video screens.

The grand overseer, Crazy Cousin uses the cable company, to rid homes of the 'Lie Machine'. The cable men are dispatched to hunt down the TV screens, the evil will hide in their homes behind bookselves and cabinets. Though one cable man Gatnom starts to doubt his faith in Crazy Cousin and starts collecting DVD's of old TV sitcoms.

In the end he is hunted down and persecuted by the faithful and runs away to the North country where he wanders the snow covered fields commiting to memory old TV shows like Barb Wire, Happy Days and Friends, in his hope, that one day they will be remade and return in reruns over and over and over again.

Truly a warning to us all; "it is futile to resist."

Call to reserve your copy of 'HARPOVILLE 154' today in Sector C

Friday, February 10, 2006

GREZTKY; "I Know Nothing, I Know Nothing"

The Harpoville Post reported today of Wayne Gretzky's imitation of Coronel Klink, from the 1960's TV show Hogan's Heroes, when asked what he knew of his wife's gambling habit. Wayne's reply of; "I know nothing, I know nothing," brought the press to tears of laughter as Wayne loaded bags of cash onto a plane headed towards Switzerland.

When asked if he had noticed anything different in his wives behavior over the past few months. Wayne said. "I guess I should have said something when I noticed her curled up into the fetal position throughout last Sunday's Super Bowl, she didn't even stick her head up to see the Stones. " He added, "Janet is Janet, she's still the same old girl I picked up at a hockey banquet so many years ago."

Investigators say 1.7 million was bet through the betting ring based in New Jersey, $500,000 by Janet Gretzky alone. When asked about the amount Wayne replied, "I guess that's proves how small the betting ring was, if Janet was one of five involved.
Personally, I didn't even notice the cash was missing." He said while, collecting cheques for autographed pictures of the 'Great One'.

"Though, I guess I should have a talk with the little lady." Which brought a round of laughter and high fives from the reporters in the room. "I'll do it as soon as I get back into the country".

Desperately Seeking Sud......... For Softwood Solutions

A Personals Ad placed in The Harpoville Post this week was paid for by non-other than ex-liberal now Conservative Minister of Rough Trade the not-very-honorable David Emerson.

The Harpoville Post has learned, that when asked if he would return the $97,000 giving to him by his British Columbia riding, David Emerson a self serving, oaf, who was re-elected as a liberal, then quickly turned-coat from red to blue to suckle onto the tit of the Harpo Government just to be made Minister of Rough Trade; his answer was to the point.

"Fuck you and Fuck them, if they wanted the money back they should never have given it to me in the first place. What did they expect, I'm a politician god-dame-it."

When Emerson was asked what his solution to the Softwood issue was he quickly turned on his expensive loafers and went screaming down the hall, "You people are so cruel can't you see Softwood is a personal issue with me." Emerson then made the mistake of running into the liberal bathroom where he was teased and taunted by the few liberals that are left in caucus these days.

Who's problem is it?

We asked Prime Minister Harpo what his solutions for the Softwood issues were but again he is tight lipped on the subject.

So we sent Connie Unties out to find out who else in Harpoville has Softwood on their mind.

....... It's eleven pm and I'm standing in front of 24 Harpoville Row, where inside the Prime Minister home the Softwood issue that plagues most Harpovillians has come home to roost. And it is The First Lady of Harpoville who knows first hand, the hardships, or lack of that surround this issue.

The First Lady spoke to me in confidence when she said,
"At first I thought it was due to the stress of running for the Prime Minister-ship of Harpoville, I guess I just expected it." She said, " Then when the election was over there would be cause for celebration but non was forth.... cuming." Her eyes red as she reached for her hankie, "Maybe it's just me making a big thing out of nothing, I don't know."

She then added, "My family is an oil family, and everyones knows that oil is a lubricant, a dame good lubricant. There's nothing oil can't fix with a good lubing. But, if the wood is soft no amount of lubing is going to fix that."

Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Shit Hits The Conservative Fan....... Two Weeks After The Election

"By the time history is finished looking at this, my achievements, as opposed to others, my nose will be a little ahead of most."
Brian Mulrony

The Harpoville Post hopes our new leader, Harpo's, promise for responsible government ethics will not fall on deaf ears too soon.

The Harpoville Post has learned that information on former Prime Minister 'Britan Mulrooony's, Three Hundred Thousand dollar Air Bus slush fund was true after all.

Our grand leaders quest to clean up past governments ethics should start by him demanding the ex-Prime Minister return the 2.4 million dollars fraudulently taken from the citizens of Harpoville Canada.

In 199o's the Supreme Court heard his claim that the R.C.M.P. and the Government of Canada; false-ably falsifying false fraudulent documents to force the flagellant claim of flatulence and forge false filing of said claim.
The claim so baffled the Supreme Court that they awarded, Britan Mulrooony, 2.4 million Canadian dollars, and told him the get the fuck out-a-here.

"By the time history is finished looking at this my nose will be a little farther up my ass than most."

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


TOM And JERRY scared shitless they're next.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Iran's outcry for the heads of Cartoon Characters have Harpoville residents Tom and Jerry scared shitless.
"You wonder where and when it'll end" said Jerry in is Harpoville home this morning, "Sure it's all fun and games until someone gets beheaded."
Jerry added "I spoke with Homer Simpson this afternoon and he and Marge are in hiding." Neither Homer or Marge Simpson was available for comment.

Tom, Jerry's long time sidekick is said to be bunkered down waiting for the smoke to clear.
"I really feel for the guy" Jerry added, " He's had some problems over the years, trying to get off the saucer. He's been stuck to the ceiling over this for days.

The Harpoville Post has learned that many of TV's famous cartoon characters moved to Harpoville, from the United States, two years ago after Janet Jackson decided to take the twins for a stroll at that years Super Bowl.

"It seemed like things were looking up for us. We were just getting back into syndication when Janet decided the flash America." said Wile E. Coyote "What the hell is that family on?"
Wile E., who shares a home in Harpoville with the Road Runner said, "That started the whole F.C.C. witch hunt and crackdown on excessive violence. For awhile there we couldn't get arrested on daytime TV, so, we moved up here.

Wile E. lit another cigarette and pondered their future, "We really like it here and felt pretty safe until all this happened. Now Harpo is sending troops to Afganistan it doesn't leave you felling safe anymore."

Wile E. added, "We've talked of moving back to the dessert, but isn't that where they live?"

Make You Next Funeral A 'FUN-ERAL'

The Harpoville Post
Advertising feature:

Tired Of The Same Old Funeral
Turn Your Next Funeral Into A 'FUN-ERAL'

We're all getting older, and everyday more and more of our relatives, and yes, sometimes even 'our loved ones', seem to be hitting the bricks and dropping like flies.
We, here at McCaskets Funeral Parlour, know this more than anyone. We're working hard for you, and if you feel the same way too and want something different, for those of yours, who have gone, but, not yet forgotton, we here at McCaskets want you to consider a...... 'FUN-ERAL'

It's a FUN and exciting way to send off the ones you love the most.

Try Our:

POP-UP-CASKET: Guaranteed to have them rolling in the isles.

How about our 'BOTTOMLESS URNS'... You'll be saying; "Where'd he go?"

We also offer: 'Leaking, 'book of condolence' pens' ... Turn that beautiful white suit into a ink covered mess.... Who wears white to a funeral anyway?

Or for that relative 'no-one-much-liked' ....... Try our brand new F-URINAL'.
Be sure to leave him the respect he deserves.

And, for our deeply religious brothers, how about the new 'WHOOPEE-PRAYER-RUG'.
You'll be hearing comments like; "O' Osama, I think you had too much Ba-ba-ganoosh. Ha.Ha.Ha."

So, next time, and we all know there'll be a 'next time', don't say 'So Long' with flowers and condolences, say it with a McCaskets 'FUN-ERAL'

And get this party started.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


The Harpoville Post wishes to reasure, the loyal, patrons of Harpoville that, reports today of tanks lining the streets of Harpoville are in anticapation of tomorrows swearing in of our new leader Harpo.
"The military are just here to show love, devotion and support for our leader", said General Todd (Body Count) Majors.
The General assured all patrons of Harpoville not to be afraid of the armed solders. "Just act like they are not there." Adding; "These men are trained, high strung, killers and this is just another day in the 'new' Harpoville."
He added; "The complying patrons of Harpoville should know, that, if there is any gunfire it will be 'friendly' fire and it is not aimed at them."
Though, the General advised, "It would be a good idea that they be prepared to duck, just in case."
The General then said, "It might be an another good idea for the 'good and loyal' patrons of Harpoville to wear their Harpo devotion braclets." But, added; "It is true, they are not as easy to spot until the operation is complete."

Friday, February 03, 2006

Coming Feburary 6th. 2006 The Release of: Big Brother & Crazy Cousin

The Harpoville Post
Movie Preview:
Release date: Feb. 6th. 2006
H.P.O. Pictures is pleased to announce the Feb.6th. 2006 release of their new epic saga: Big Brother & Crazy Cousin.

The tale of two leaders torn from terror itself, set adrift in a world of fear and forgetfulness. A tale they begged not to be told, but, be told it must, over and over again. So horrible, you'll beg for an end.

for the faint of heart: The Toronto Condo
Terror torn from truth: The Vancouver Ferry
I know the one guy, but whose's his cousin?: The Washington Wingnut
We all begged for the ending: The Baghdad Sum-Times.

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