Friday, March 31, 2006

God Too Busy to Answer Prayer

Prayer Proved Problematic Prognosis

The Harpoville Post reports of a new Christian medical study that has come to pass and to the conclusion that prayer proves piss-poor at healing the sick.

The Harpoville Post has learned of a 2.4 Million dollar study using three prayer groups to pray for 600 sick patients. Some of the patients were informed that prayer was being done on them some were not. Of the three prayer groups one prayer group was told to pray for the sick, one prayer group was told to pray for a new car the other prayer group offered a placebo prayer and one odd looking man was asked to pray for sex. When the results were tallied it was easy to see none of the prayers were answered. Most of the sick patients remained in poor health or died none of the prayers received a new car and the lone odd looking man still remained sexless.

The Harpoville Post asked leading Harpoville theologian Chris Almyti, whether we should just save our breath and resolve to the truth that maybe God is way too busy somewhere else to listen to our constant self serving sniffling about what we want to make our lives better while we are as useless as a burning bush at getting off our asses and doing anything about it, and he said, "I don't think so, I'd say if it feels good do it, if it leaves you feeling good because you've done it, isn't that good enough, just stop whining about it."

Pam Anderson Totes Tits To Toronto

"To host the Junos, I think"

Harpoville Post
Entertainment Special

The Harpoville Post reports that Pam Anderson will be in Toronto wearing a big smile and a plunging neck line while be-dazzling the crowds with all the pizazza that this, greatly endowed, Canadian/Hollywood Starlet is known for.

Pam Anderson the star most Hollywood types make reference to when refering to their careers; As in, "I'm the next Pam Anderson" or "I am what Pam Anderson used to be." Pam used to be married to drummer Tommy Lee, who's name is often used as a reference in the music industry, as in " I've got the same tatoos as Tommy Lee" or "If I could find myself a Pam Anderson I'd be the next Tommy Lee."

The Harpoville Post reports that while Pam is in Toronto she'll gladly be showing off her tits and promoting her new movie, "Hey, Look At My Tits". The smash followup to last summers smash hit "Look At My Tits".

The Harpoville Post got a chance to speak to Pam, and get a closer look at her breasts, if that's at all posible. We asked her what her new film is about, and she said "Hey, Look At My Tits completes a 'menage-a-trois' of films I've done. First there was My Tits, then came, Look At My Tits, now Hey, look At My tits." she then added, "In these films I really think I put my best breast forward." She then stopped and said, "Did I just say breast?" Everyone in attendance laughed and then turned they're attention back to her breasts.

Pam Anderson will also be in Toronto to host a music awards show called The Junos, I think?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Spring Fashion Week Explodes in Tehran

The Harpoville Post
Fashion Report

"This is the terrorists alert we look foward to"

The Harpoville Post reports that Spring has sprung in parts of the Middle East and so has the fashion industry. And what are this years terrorist's wearing? "An explosion of color in all the lightest fabrics for today's extreme extremist." say's fashion guru Abdul Uwearin, "Here in Spring the deserts heat up and so does the runway."

The Harpoville Post fashion guru was in Tehran this week for what is becoming the biggest fashion show in the Middle East. All the biggest and best designers were in town showing off they're wears to all the biggest suppliers of terrorists fashions.

Got-to-have garb has exploded in a big way and Tehran is the place to be.

The Harpoville Post reports that in the desert, out on the street or just kickin' back an relaxing today's terrorists want to be hot and look hot. And the designer that a lot of today's extremist turn to and call out by name is J.J.. He's in the know of what today's terrorists needs and wants are and he delivers. Trust me from Palstine, to Baghdad, from Afghanistan to Tehran these are the clothes today's terrorist would just love to be caught dead in.

Photo by Getty Images

ELVIS Gone But Still With-drawing

The Harpoville Post
Financial Report

"Elvis dead but, still cashing in"

The Harpoville Post has learned that there is life after death, financial life. With the release of the top dead earners of 2005, The Harpoville Post reports, The King, is still The King.

The Harpoville Post financial report states that the top dead urners for 2005 aren't completely dead. And, at the top of the deceased pops is none other than 'The King' himself Elvis, with after life earnings of 45 million dollars. That will surly help keep the lights burning bright over Graceland tonight.

The Harpoville Post reports next in line is Peanuts creator Charles Shutlz at 35 Million. Not bad for a cartoon about a looser kid and his psychotic dog. Third on the list was none other than ex-Beatle John Lennon at 22 Million, who even in death has helped give a bigger piece a chance to Sean, Julian and Yoko. Fourth place in the top of the tomb stone tallies is Andy Warhol. Surprisingly enough because Andy didn't sell his art he licenced it out and collects royalites on ever poster of every Cambell's soup can he ever thought to draw and then reproduce, and reproduce and reproduce. It gives new meaning to the term (re)construction artist.

The Harpoville Post reports that fifth, sixth and seventh places go to Dr. Seuss at 10 Million, Marlin (I could have been somebody) Brando at 9 Million, and Marilyn Monroe putting in a sloppy seventh at 8 Million. Better luck next year Miss Monroe.

Bush Meets Martin in Mexico

"A home away from home or a new home?"

The Harpoville Post reports that U.S. President G.W. Bush eyes Canada as more than a friend and more like a refuge.

The Harpoville Post has learned that G.W. has been eyeing Canada as a new country in which to live once his term in office is over. G.W. is looking forward to meeting with Harpo as an in on where to live, now he sees the writting on the wall, and with his poll numbers dropping quicker than a B.C. ferry off the coast, maybe he feels it's time to make a move.

The Harpoville Post has obtained a transcript of the conversation between G.W. and our Leader Harpo that was held earlier this week.

G.W.: Martin you there?
Harpo: I am Sir, though it's Harper, and thank you for taking my call.
G.W.: No problem, your country, your call, glad to take it.
Harpo: So, I am really looking forward to some R&R down in Mexico with you sir.
G.W.: You are? You ever been to Mexico Martin?
Harpo: No Sir, I've never been out of Canada, except for going to Afghanistan. And it's Harper, Sir.
G.W.: And what a shit hole that place is. Just remember to lay on the sun screen.
Harpo: You think so, Sir?
G.W.: I've seen a picture of your puggy pink suit Martin, time for a trip to the gym, trust me ten minutes in the Mexican sun and they'll servin' you up with refried beans.
Harpo: I'll write that down Sir., and it's Harper, Do you remeber the old Edward Bear song, 'you and me down in Mexico?'
G.W.: Sounds like the seventies?
Harpo: Yes Sir, I believe it was.
G.W.: Tell you the truth the seventies were a blur to me, a great big blur.
Harpo: Well I hope we'll have time to talk about softwood while we're there.
G.W.: You still got a problem with your softwood Martin?
No Sir, those blue pills you sent cleared that up, and it's Harper, Sir.
G.W.: Your wife must be pleased.
Harpo: I don't waste them on the wife; Ms. Bunker is enjoying them though.
G.W.: Good advice Martin don't waste your camping trip in the tent, take it outside, you know what I mean?
I'll remember that Sir, and it's Harper.
G.W.: So, remember to bring some real estate brochures with you when you pack.
Harpo: Canadian or Mexican?
G.W.: Wise up Martin, I've spent too much time in Mexico to live there. I'm thinking Canada might be the place to retire to. What'a think?
Harpo: It's Harpe, and wow, that would be great. But, what would you do?
G.W.: How many terms in office can you have Martin?
Harpo: Unlimited, Sir, and it's Harper.
G.W.: Let's talk about that too when we get together.
Harpo: I'll be looking forward to it Sir.
G.W.: I'm sure you are, see you in Mexico, Martin.(hangs up)
Harpo: It's Harper, Sir, Har-per.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Crazy World of Crazy Cousin

"He's back!"

"We'll keep you informed when informed is what we wish you to be"

The Harpoville Post reports that as the start of Parliament nears for our country called Canada, it will not resemble any other Parliament in Canada's history. Gone is the public and news access to politians payed by the public purse. Gone is the freedom once taken for granted now lost in one mans desire for control.

The Harpoville Post reports that when Parliament reconvenes next week with a new Conservative government don't expect too much talking. Leader Harpo swears to keep his Conservative Government more accessable and accountable than any other government in Canada's history by closing the doors at secretive cabinet meetings and refusing interviews on any topic other than what is on this governments agenda. Harpo and his government plan a less is more style of governing.

The Harpoville Post reported last week how Harpo had microphones removed from the halls of parliment, microphones that have been set up for decades, and he has refused the media much access to the House of Commons and his cabinet. Harpo will decide what Canadians should know, how much Canadians should know and when Canadians should know it.

The Harpoville Post has learned that silence is golden in Harpo's secretive war like world, where the walls have ears, so don't say a word, guns are massing at the border so more guns are needed, slash day-care spending so soldiers can die in far off lands. Soon silence will be the only thing Canadian Canadians can count on.

Shania Twain Defense Works Again

"Similar to the Pam Anderson Defense but, easier to prove real"

The Harpoville Post reports that a 33 year old Harpoville man has been found not guilty of driving drunk by using the Shania Twain Defense. Matt Brownlee was arrested and charged with driving, a motor vehicle, drunk and without a licence. At the time of the arrest Mr. Brownlee told the officers it wasn't his fault but Shania Twains, when the officers asked why it was Shania Twains fault Mr. Brownlee told the arresting officer, "Because she was driving, and she swore she'd get me, she's a very jealous woman."

The Harpoville Post has learned that Mr. Brownlee's lawyers used the infamous Shina Twain Defense to get their client off scott free.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Professor Iwan A. Brownose of the Harpoville College of Law who told us, "The Shania Twain Defense is not often used because of the ramifications. First you have to get up in front of the court and swear you listen to her music, usually by performing her hit, I'm Gonn'a Get Cha' Good for the court. Then you have to swear you're possesed by the demon that is Shania Twain, which isn't easy." When asked how he had done this, he said, "It was easy for this guy, he is completly out of his mind."

The Harpoville Post has learned that, a few years ago, Mr. Brownlee, while drunk, suffered excessive brain damage, when he drove his car into another car killing a mother and her child. Mr. Brownlee is expected to receive more phychiatric testing then be released a free man, less his lawyer fees, onto the streets of Harpoville.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Miracle Meat Meets with Success

The Harpoville Post
Science Report

The Harpoville Post reports that scientists are working on a way for home owners to grow their own meat supply. "No more will struggling familes struggle to put meat on the table." said a scientist from the Harpoville Science Group, "We're quite successful at growing mouse and frog meat and we believe growing squirrle and possum is right around the corner."

The Harpoville Post has learned that, of late, science has made great headway with virto meat culture, a process that lets you grow meat, over night, in your kitchen countertop incubator. Similar to a breadmaker, you leave the started cell in the meat maker and wake up to fresh meat.

The Harpoville Post has heard out-cries from vegitarians and ranchers alike. One concerned citizen said, "We know of Mad Cow Disease, what's next Mad Counter-Culture Disease."

The Harpoville Post has learned that the scientists are quite confident their miracle meat will meet with success, "We believe consumers will be ready and willing for this. I mean, so far, they've proven to us they'll eat anything."

Canada's Jump on the Immigration Bandwagon

"Mexico's biggest export after Corona"

The Harpoville Post has learned that while Mexico is pleading for Canada to take more of it's second largest commodity, migrant workers, Canada's newest Immigration Minister is hard at work deporting illegal aliens. Monte told The Harpoville Post, "We're not throwing out any more illegals than the Liberals did, so there." he added, "Listen, we've got hundreds of thousands waiting, some who play by the rules and some who don't, and people who reward at the expense of people who do."

The Harpoville Post reports that Mexican President Vicenti Fox was in Harpoville to open a new consulate to help make way for thousands of migrant workers who are being rousted out of America by the Republicians. President Fox told The Harpoville Post, "America's loss is Canada's gain, it's your chance to get these people for a song. Just try them for a year or two, you'll see, you'll see." When asked at what capacity these workers can be employed, Mr. Fox said, "They can do a lot of things, clean pools, trim Palm Trees." But, when reminded that Canada doesn't have any Palm Trees, he said, "Neither did California before we arrived."

The Harpoville Post spoke to NDP critic Olivia Chow, and immigrant herself, about the Harpo Government crackdown, and she said, "I'm not an immigrant, who told you that? Just because my name is Chow, where do you people get your information?

When The Harpoville Post spoke to ex-Liberal immigration minister Joe Volpe, who said, "I had a perfect plan to fix all this and I was going to do it but they called the election. So, you can blame the NDP, they decided they didn't want a solution they wanted a problem. My perfect plan is not being implemented because they wanted a Conservative government in place, thanks alot."

The Harpoville Post mentioned Mr. Volpe's comments to Conservative Monte, who said, "Is he still going on about his 'perfect plan', Christ, get a life. Let me tell you about his 'perfect plan', it was to send all the immigrant workers up to Fort McMurray Alberta where they need workers. But, we don't pander to the immigrant vote, we were voted into a minority government by old scared Canadians, the hay-seeds living out in rural areas, out-where they're easy to scare with American style fear advertising. That's our voting base and we plan to pander to them, and if they, like our American brothers, don't want too many immigrants running around then that's the way it'll be."

Monday, March 27, 2006

McCasket's 'Pay By The Pound' Event

The Harpoville Post
Advertizing Feature:

Serving up your dead for over 20 years

McCasket's Funeral Home is sickened and saddened by the news of the recently disclosed events surrounding the selling and distrubution of Body Parts in the funeral industry.
McCasket's first wish is to pass on condolences to the families of those affected and also say we do not condole these acts of burtal burial disrespect.

We at McCaket's have always prided ourselves on good service and a swift burial and to prove our commitment to you, and your loved ones that have past on, we offer the 'Pay By The Pound" event.

That's right if Uncle Frank weighted in at 247 lbs., that's what you'll be charged, and if Aunt Annie tipped the scales at only 108 lbs., so be it, that's what you'll be charged. It's our way to guaranty 'if you bring 'em around we'll put 'em in the ground', and that's McCasket's 'Pay By The Pound' promise.

So, hurry on down to a McCasket's Funeral Home anywhere in the Harpoville area and cash in on the savings.

McCasket's Funeral Home
Serving you, your dead, for over twenty years

HAPER "Don't Like My Ethics, Try My Integrity"

"ALL ABOARD, The Integrity Train"


The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo's Government is moving quickly to fatten its stock in accountabilty. The Prime Minister has decided to give up on 'Ethics' and move right on to 'Integrity'.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Harpo's feeling of insecurity is reaching new heights with the introduction of an Integrity Minister when Parliment convenes next month. The New 'Integrity' Ministry will be set up to work with 'whistle blowers' and offer ca$h dollars, plus Harpo devotion bracelets, for those who will be the 'eyes and ears' of the new government.

The Harpoville Post has also learned Harpo's first pick for the new post is nun-other than Alan Culter. No stranger to whistle blowing, Alan blew the whistle long and hard and supplied the Conservative's with the information that eventually led to the Liberals slide from leadership. Alan Culter, a fidgety little man, with questionable 'ethics' himself, that Harpo and his Conservative's rewarded by unseccessfully trying to sell off on and get elected in a Ottawa-South riding. The same Ottawa-South riding Conservative Lawyer Allen Riddell was offered $50,000 from the Conservative Party not to run in this past election.

The Harpoville Post reports that with this new 10 Million Dollar Ministery they'll be a chance for all the reap the rewards of "Integrity". A 'Whistle Blowers' hotline will be set up and Ca$h bonuses paid out to informants who participate in 'Integrity'. Harpo and his new Government hope all will show their devotion and play the new Roll-Over-The-Rim-And-Win game.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Sorry's Set Sail in B.C.

Ferry sinks so do all signs of an apology

The Harpoville Post reports that survivors of last weeks B.C. Ferry disaster off Canada's west coast aren't hearing what they want to hear. "A sorry would be nice." said one survivor of the doomed ship. "They take our money run the ship a shore and we don't hear a peep out of them." she then added, "I think a 'I'm sorry we ruined your vacation' isn't asking too much. Don't you think?"

The Harpovillle Post attented a news conference held by the head of the government run corperation, and he had this to say, "We'll be in the market for a new ship. Something nice with room for cars underneath, maybe some seating up above and a snack bar. Anyone with knowledge of the were-bouts of such a vessel should contact the BC Ferries Corporation." When someone in attendence suggested they look off Gil Island at the bottom of Wright Sound for just such a ship he quickly ended the news conference and hurried out of the room.

Thank God it's Sunday, not their god.... Our God

The Harpoville Post
Sunday Christian Review

The Harpoville Post Christian Review wishes to report that it is a glorius day in Christian beliefs as the holy word of God, our God not their god, has been heard and rebounds through out the world as news was released of Abdul Rahman near release.

Last week The Harpoville Post reported the news that 40 year old Abdul Rahman was nearly put to death for his loving belief in our God, not their god and it nearly cost him his head.
The word and the will of our savior Jesus Christ must have been heard through your cards, letters, faxes, emails, text messages and MSN Messenger 6.2 because news came today that this lone Christian will soon be set free in this predominantly Muslim country that hates Christians, but, not to worry because he has God on his side, our God, not their god.

The Harpoville Post Christian Review reports all charges against this lone Christian in Afghanistan have been dropped, by the prosecutor because of lack of evidence. He told The Harpoville Post, "How can I prove that this man believes in Jesus Christ when everyone in any Islamic country knows that this Jesus does not exsist. So, we have decided to drop all charges and Abdul Rahman is a free man, though he sits in a maxmium security prison along with hundreds of Taliban, and al Qaeda killers, murders and militant extremists while waiting to be released."

The Harpoville Post Christian Review wishes to take a moment to thank God, our God, not theirs, for taking the time to look after one of his crazy lost flock.

A Movie for our Not so 'Gay-Old-Times'

The Harpoville Post
Sunday Movie Review

The Harpoville Post movie review takes a look at a controversial subject raised in a new film called A Whole New Thing. The film looks at an innocent young boys crush on his teacher, his male teacher.

Set in the windy coast of Nova Scotia, a 13 year old boys first love should either be his teacher, or a fishing boat. The teacher could wear lots of makeup, purfume, and low cut tops but, what if he wore Hush Puppies, Brut and button down shirts, could it be as hot? This film would like you to think so. The subject of 'taboo' love has been creased for years, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. This ones the latter and will end up being used as a training film for the Catholic Church, once it's cut to DVD.

The teacher is a lonely academic in a small east coast town who, by night, gets his kicks, searching for George 'Wham Bam', in out of the way washrooms stalls but, by day respectably teaching Rick, Reggie and Raul the three R.'s. Soon he starts noticing the sensitive students longing glances, his desire to stay after school and clean the chalkboard, maybe it remindeds him of himself. The teacher notices but, the 'good' teacher knows not to act out his endearing fantasies that plague him every waking moment of every eternal like day.

O' Please, let's look at the facts, Catholic fathers can't seem to keep their hands out from beneath Charlie's candy counter, so how is this teacher supposed to be so strong when he can't keep himself out of the toilets. Are they saying teachers are closer to God and have a bigger oath to swear upon. In the last few years more female teachers have been busted banging the britches off of 16 year old boys than any other time. And gay male teachers are above that, 'PLEASE', let's have some realism, since we don't have the buget for real actors.

Personally I think these guys are making a film for some Christan war torn world where nobody makes a mistake and if they do it's fixed by denial or by the next commercial, that's right TV, but, alas TV won't touch this pipe dream either.

I wonder if as many 'A' grades are passed out to complying sensitive boys as they are to failing promiscuous girls. And the fact we hear so few reports of gay male teachers getting caught, with their hands in the cookie jar, leads me to believe that, as hunters go, they're the smartest of the bunch and just plain know how to pick them.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

U.S. Protests Loosing Cheap Labor

"Give us liberty and our house cleaners"

The Harpoville Post reports of wide spread protests hitting the streets of the United States. But, the protests aren't againist the war in Iraq, the ballooning deficit or of reports released this week that black men in America are worst off than ever before in its history. These protests are against America getting rid of it's cheap labor.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the American Governments crackdown on illegal aliens have the students up in arms. Massive student protests hit the streets in California, Arizona, and Georgia and the message was clear, leave the illegal aliens alone.

The Harpoville Post spoke to one protestor who said, "This is America we were founded on the princpals of liberty for all and the persuit of slave labor. But, we didn't have to persue them they were glad to come here and be our cheap labor. We don't want to loose our pool and gutter cleaners, our dog walkers and baby sitters, our cooks and dish washers, this is a disgrace and we won't stand for it." As the group sang out in unision, "No way, no way, let stay, Jose, no way, no way, let stay, Jose."

The Harpoville Post has learned that it is not only the lazy American students that fear the new law, one that will cause them to start looking after themselves and do manual labor but, what of the other side of America. What about the illegal aliens coming across the Canadian border.

The Harpoville Post reports that everyday Canadian doctors, lawyers, and nurses risk they're lives crossing a vast wilderness seeking the sweet taste of America's freedom.
We wonder is it only a matter of time before they too will be shut out. The Harpoville Post spoke to Dr. Fredrick R. Smith, not his real name, who told us of the perils he faces living in the U.S. as an illegal alien, "When I finished my schooling in Canada I dreamt that if I could only get across the river into America it would be so much better, but, how wrong I was. I live above a hardware store, I have to work two jobs just to survive. I work days in an E.R. and nights doing knee and hip surgery in a clinic, behind a feed store. It pays me peanuts but, it's all the work I can find. How wrong I was to leave my country behind."

The Harpoville Post has learned if this bill is passed in America the illegal aliens will have ten to twenty years to pack they're bags and get out of the country that used to reap the rewards of their cheap labor and now wants nothing to do with them.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Holy War, this ain't no stinkin' Holy War

"You can be alot of things in Afghanistan
but, Christan ain't one of them"

"This guy's nuts"

The Harpoville Post has learned of an Afghani mans conversion that may cost him more than just his Sunday morning in church, it may cost him his life. Abdul Rahman, a 40 year old man that converted from the Muslim to Christian faith in a country made up of 99.9 percent Muslims, and may be put to death for his choice of choice religions. Abdul was arrested by police after he was spotted driving around Kabul with a small fish insignia on the back of his car, a bobbing-head Jesus on his dash and a holy bible tucked beneath the drivers seat.

The Harpoville Post reports that the United Church Of Canada has called on Prime Minister Harpo to use Canada's 2,190 troops, stationed in Afghanistan, to save this lone crazy Christan from loosing his head. They have suggested that a Canadian-Christan-led-coalition be put together to promote (religious) human rights.

Holy War?
"I don't remember voting for no stinkin' Holy War"

The Harpoville Post has learned that, after being urged by the church, Prime Minister Harpo contacted Afghani President Hamid Karzai who told Harpo, "Harpo, where you been, like I told you when you were here, this is Afghanistan, what goes down in Afghanistan stays in Afghanistan." he then added, "Anyway, we plan to run some psych. tests on the guy and I'm sure they'll find him nuts, this is a Muslim country, why would you go Christan, if you don't have to. Anyway, I'm sure he'll walk, well, walk is a figure of speech, he'll be beaten, thrown in prison and be eating his food puree'd for a long, long time. What can I say it's the 'Afghani way'. So, when can we expect you back in Kabul, and next time bring the little lady, I understand she don't need no burka."

"If it sounds like one and smells like one
It usually is one"

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Alistair Cooke still gets around after death

"Well, those Body Parts didn't get up and walk away by themselves"

The Harpoville Post has learned that a massive Body Parts distribution ring has been busted in the United States. The ring situated in the New York area stole and sold the body parts from dead bodies before being buried or cremated.

The Harpoville Post reports that like something out of a Edgar Allen Poe poem the dividing up and distribution of the body parts were performed at an East Coast Funeral Parlour and then shipped around the world to waiting and unsuspecting patients.

The Harpoville Post spoke to the family of Alistair Cooke, the famed host of the PBS show Masterpiece Theatre, and one of the many bodies involved, and they have some questions they'd liked answered. A family member told The Harpoville Post, "When Alistair died last year at 95 years of age we thought it quite unuasal that they listed his age as 85, but now after todays discovery I guess that answers that question." It seems the day before Mr. Cooke was cremated he was carved up and sold for $7,000. to two transplant companies. Now the familes are left wondering one more question, "If they stole and sold Alistair, then who the hell did we spread all over Central Park last year?"

The Harpoville Post has learned that the New York City Police also want to know the answer to that question since spreading human ash remains around New York City is illegal.

Reality TV that's all too Real

"They were like Lemmings"

The Harpoville Post reports that it was all too real when a TV Reality Show stunt backfired and seven people were killed. It was a heavy dose of reality when a train rolled backwards killing the shows contestants.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the European game show called, What'll You Do For Money? was filming in a remote location when the mishap occured. Contestants were told to push a train down a train track but, when the train started to roll backwards the team leader got trapped beneath the train, and in the confusion the contestants, not wanting to loose the game, dove beneath the trains rolling wheels. "They were like money grubbing Lemmings the way they jumped under the train." said one onlooker.

The Harpoville Post spoke to a producer of the show who said, "You see when you advertise for people to win money on TV you don't get the sharpest tacks in the box." he added, "They were told to follow their leader, and when his foot slipped and he fell beneath the train....well, you know what happened next."

The Harpoville Post reports that although Reality Shows have been on TV for sometime this is the first reported deaths, other than many of the shows themselves. We spoke to an ex-Fear Factor contestant that had this to say, "It all seems so real at the time but, you've got to remind yourself that this is only TV and it can't hurt you until something like this happens. It really makes you sit back and think, I wonder if they're hiring?"

Vancouver Female Firefighters up in Flames

"They'll be no putting these babies out"

The Harpoville Post reports that Vancouver's female firefighters are fighting fire with fire against male firefighters sexual harassment.

The Harpoville Post spoke to one prostester who said, "If I hear one more, 'hey girls, who wants to handle my hose' joke, I'll strangle somebody." The same sentiment was heard from about a dozen female firefighters who have walked off the job in protest in this city by the sea. "They're fucking pigs," she went on to say, "If it's not 'hey, while your down there' or, 'nobody has to show this gal how to work the pole'. I personally have had enough."

The Harpoville Post reports this protest comes just as a U.S. survey reveals that most people believe that firefighting is one of the sexiest jobs to have. "Sexiest, Ha, that makes me laugh, try sexist." she then added, "These guy's are great to have around when your house is on fire but trust me, they're more interested in putting out the fire in your girlfriend pants."

We at The Harpoville Post would just like to take a moment to reiterate how proud we are of our Harpoville fire fighting forces, and if there ever is a fire in our Harpoville area we hope they, male or female, come to our place first.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Taking Aim at Gun Registry

"Blastin' it ta bits."

The Harpoville Post reports that the Conservatives are taking aim at our safety. The Harpo Governments promise to blast the former governments gun registry program is now in their sights.

The Harpoville Post spoke today to the Lack-of-Safety Minister Stockwell Day, no relation to Doris, while he was loading up on shot gun shells for his up coming mission, and he said, "Killing the gun registry is what we aim to do. We plan to shoot it right out of the sky, cause once we got something in our sights we just don't let go till it's dead."

The Harpoville Post has learned that scraping the two year old gun registry program is a high priority of the Conservative agenda. The Conservatives say two billion dollars has been wasted on the program, Mr. Day added, "We estitmated the former government wasted two billion dollars implementing this program to get unregistered guns off the streets and out of the hands of criminals, well we plan to spend more money scraping the program and get those guns back on the street so people will feel safe."

The Harpoville Post asked the Lack-of-Safety Minister, that since the money is spent and the program is in place and most people like the idea of registering guns, can't you leave it alone, and just improve it, Mr. Day added, "That,s that's, that's crazy, who said that? That's not what I was told. What's your name? Have you questioned yet? I don't like where this is going, interview over."

As the Lack-of-Safety Minister was swept away in his limo The Harpoville Post wonders whether the Harpo Government's desire to appease a few will only, in the end, endanger the many.

Wounded Afghani's Seek Immigration

Automatic Free Immigration For the Dead

The Harpoville Post reports that the family of an Afghani man killed by Canadian troops, in that country last week, are crying out for compensation.

"If you're going to send trigger happy thugs here to murder us at least promise us something if we survive" said the father of the dead man.

The Harpoville Post learned that immigration is being sought by the family of Nasrat Ali Hassan who was killed when Canadian troops opened fire on a taxi in which he was riding. Although at first, not seriously wounded, he later died. Now the family seeks restitution for his murder.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Mr. Hassan had 14 wives, 27 children, 300 step children, 4 like-mothers, 18 like-fathers and 253 like-brother and sisters that all seek compensation for his death. "We should be allowed to immigrate because we have no other options in the war torn, tribial, male dominated society." said one of his many sisters.

The Harpoville Post reports that the families bid for a sizeable compensation package is backed by Mohammed Yousef Hussaini a local politian who said, "Canada must do this and if it does not Canada is not our friend, Canada is our enemy, and your leader Harpo is a bad man, a very bad man."

The Harpoville Post was once again unsuccessful to gain access to the Harpo Government Bunker or to get a response from the P.M.. Although we did catch Canada's Lack-of-Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor as he tried to slip out the back door and into his waiting limo. We asked Mr.O'Connor, no relation to Donald, how long we will be in Afghanistan, and he said, "This will not be our Iraq, this is our Afghanistan, and we are there for three reasons. #1: National interest wants us there, not our nation the American nation. #2: Because we are part of the world, this crazy big planet we call Earth and #3: To help build an immigration policy with Afghanistan and #4: Terrorists, 9/11, 9/11, the terrorists."

Monday, March 20, 2006

Professor Fired For Cloning Own Penis

Mr. Hwang he go crazy

The Harpoville Post reports of a story out of South Korea where a noted professor cloned his own penis. Woo-suc Hwang, professor at the Soul National University was disgraced over a scandal surrounding his multi million dollar cloning operation.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Mr. Hwang received 40 million dollars for his stem cell research into penis cloning, and it seems that the professor did all the experimenting on himself. One professor at the university told The Harpoville Post, "Professor Hwang became more and more agitated as the experimenting went on. There were complaints, around the university, that he was turning into a real prick, but, we had no idea."

The Harpoville Post asked the professor about the enormous sum given the Mr. Hwang for his penis cloning, and he said, "Once the professor put the word out on what he was doing the money came rolling in. The only problem is that with the money came the fame and Professor Hwang became too cocky and collapsed under the pressure to keep his cloning up."

Conservative/Liberal; What's the Difference?

Can you tell the difference?
I can't.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Ethics Commissioner Bernard Shapiro can't tell the difference between the Liberal party and the Conservative party or what's either ethical or unethical.

The Harpoville Post reports that Bernard Shapiro has cleared both Prime Minister Harpo and Conservative Minister of Rough Trade David Emerson of any wrong doing. It seems last weeks threatening of a beheading was enough to cause Mr. Shapiro to get his priorities in order and stop bothering either man.

The Harpoville Post caught up with Mr. Shapiro as he was sneaking out the back door of Harpoville Hall and we asked him why the sudden turn around, and he said "I don't need to talk to either man to know there was nothing wrong with Dave, after many years of being elected Liberal to suddenly jump sides to the Conservative party for a great job with lots of perks, nothing wrong with that at all." We asked Mr. Shapiro if Mr. Emerson received anything for his betrayal to his party to his constituents and for becoming Minister of Rough Trade? He said, "No not really, nothing other than a huge salary increase, a new car and driver and a massive spending account. Other than that, not much, now, I've got to go, he's watching, your not safe either."

The Harpoville Post wonders whether Mr. Shapiro was really afraid or if he suddenly saw his sweet ride on the back of Canadian taxpayers coming to a screeching halt. It seems looking-out-for-number-one is the only constant in 'ethical' Canadian politics.

Paul Martin Slips Out The Back, Jack

Time to make a new plan Stan

The Harpoville Post reports that ex-Prime Minister Paul Martin will be hoisting his main sail and be slipping out the back door of politics for the last time as he steps down as leader of the Liberal party. Paul, who has been deathly silent since being white washed from the face of leadership has been equally as silent when it comes to laying bets on who may take his place.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Mr. Martin who said, "Who gives a shit, the Canadian people won't have Paul Martin to kick around anymore." As he waved a piece sign and boarded Copter#1, the only Canadian helicopter still in service since Paul Martin and the Liberals slashed the helicopter buying buget of the 1990's.

The Harpoville Post reports that the punters are poised at the gates and ready to drop their hats and hard earned fund-raising dollars into the ring hoping for a chance to pull the Liberals back into the political race. And a real winner the Liberals will need after the defeated Paul Martin, whose dictatorship like running of the party, ran it right into the ground. "When Paul took over the leadership he purged the party of whoever said no to him or anyone else in their life." Said one Liberal member who wished to stay anomyms, but added. "I understand they're more humane at a slaughter house."

The Harpoville Post askes; but, who will step up to the plate and seize the day? Most likely a lot of people you've never heard of. So far the only contender with the balls is a woman, but, no ordinary woman, she's a lawyer from Toronto. So, she just may have the go-nads needed to get this party started.

Martha Findlay, no relation to Timothy (as if), has decided to put lawyering on hold for a while and run for Prime Minister of Canada. When The Harpoville Post asked Ms. Findlay what political experence she brought to the race, she said, "None, I just thought it would be fun."

The Harpoville Post has learned of other near hopefuls waiting in the wings but, with Paul Martin still hanging around and in arms reach of something to throw they've decided to wait with hats poised a little bit longer.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Consider Infiltration as a Career

The Harpoville Post
Employment Report

The Harpoville Post reports that a lucrative career is waiting for you in RCMP Infiltration. Every year more and more graduates of the Harpoville College of Infiltration, or H.C.I. are reaping the rewards of their new career.

At H.C.I. our graduates learn the skills they need to infiltrate and 'rat out' to the authorites. Working hand in hand with the authorites to get them the information they seem incapable of gathering.

A recent H.C.I. graduate made $350,000 after infiltrating The Hells Angles in Manitoba for the RCMP. His diligent work and millions of taxpayers dollars were used to arrest 13 people on trumped up drug charges. Did the H.C.I. infiltrator have to use his own money to buy drugs? No sir-ee, the RCMP supplied all the money necessary to buy and party with the illegal substance.

How sweet is that, you ask? Pretty sweet.

So, hurry on down to your local H.C.I. office and talk to one of our trained informant consultants or drop by your local RCMP and ask for an informant application package then sit back and watch the money roll in with your new career in infiltration.

The Harpoville Post wishes to take a moment to remember an old school friend, Walter Stadnick, who sits rotting in a Quebec prison cell from just such expensive, exstensive police work.

Rumsfeld Rant Right On Time

And The President is right behind

The Harpoville Post
Editorial Review

The Harpoville Post reports as U.S. Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld writes, "It's all over but the mopping up, and thank god we've got Canada to do that for us."

The Hapoville Post has learned that just days after American Airforce dropped their biggest payload of bombs in the three year war, Operation Swamer was just 60 miles from Baghdad, had Donald Rumsfeld screaming triumph in the Washington Post by crying, "It won't be long now. Iraq'a army is growing stronger and with the terrorist's moral is at an all time low, we're about ready to clean up and ship out home." It seems Rumy has decided the terrorist's have had enough and will soon realize they're losing the battle for Iraq and Operation Iraqi Freedom. This at the same time Americans have had enough and denounce this war effort.

The Harpoville Post believes Rumsfeld's column reeks more of a move to repair Homeland Security than to instill fear in the enemy. One wonders how many terrorists read The Wasington Post compared to the number of Americans who have lost faith in the American Government War effort.

The Harpoville Post also reports that on the eve of the third anniversary President G.W. Bush said, "We are laying a foundation of peace." This with reports of 2,350 Americans and over 30,000 Iraqis lie dead in this foundation of peace.

The Harpoville Post also learned with the third anniversary celibration came the re-release of the 2002 Republican best seller The National Security Strategy which calls for first strike policy on the following seven countries Iran, North Korea, Cuba, Belarus, Burma, and Zimbabwe. President Bush added, "We must be prepared to lay the foundation of peace through all these countries as well."

Do The Lies Makes Us Laugh,

Or do we laugh at the lies we read?

The Harpoville Post
Sunday Editorial Report

A recent artical on satire perked our interest on what makes a better beholder of the news. I call the reporter or source from which we hear or read the news the beholder, because whether or not the information is accurate is really up to the beholder, but, whether we believe it or not is really up to us.
The article asked whether the old style of six or eleven o'clock, TV or raido style news, reported by a baritone announcer is going the way of the Dodo(extinct).

The Harpoville Post deals in real stories written in a satirical style to, hopefully, engage the reader to the news in the world they live in. The facts in the stories are never changed but at times slightly distorted to underline the extreme ridiculousness of most of the news stories that are out there.

We at the Harpoville Post know that some people get it while some do not but, if this itself engages the people who don't to go out and do their own beholding of the news that will be a good thing. There are no right or wrong news stories or ways of reporting them, either they are successful or unseccessful at fulfilling their desired duty.

We ask but one question here at The Harpoville Post; When the day arrives in which the old style of news reporting dies, will it have the balls to report its own demise?

Friday, March 17, 2006

What's The Prime Minister got to hide? EVERYTHING!

Is this Supposed to be a Gag?

Harpo; "Not till I say it is."

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo has passed word on to his cabinit ministers to do what he does and say nothing. The Prime Ministers office has degreed, to all members of the Conservative government, that 'silence is golden' unless cleared by Prime Minister Harpo.

This is a gag, right?

The Harpoville Post has just learned that it's no joke that Prime Minister (Steven Harper) Harpo has sentenced his cabinet ministers, our paid members of Parliment, to silence or start looking for a new job. It seems the Harpo Government is complying and cowering to Harpo's decree and have refused any press interviews since Feb.6th. when they were sworn in.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Harpo has had the press microphones removed from the house of Parliment. Microphones that for dacades have been used for press comments after government meetings by members of cabinet. No more will those microphones squeal with feedback and speak the truth now Harpo's Government is in power.

What has Harpo to hide?

The Harpoville Post suspects Harpo's gag-order reflects his desire to remove himself from past blabber-mouthed Governments, who were prone to spouting off and speaking their minds right after cabinet meeting which, more often than not, spoke the truth.
Prime Minister Harpo's desire now is to mirror the secret governments of Lenin, Ho Chi Minh and George Bush.

The Harpoville Post tried to speak to Sandra Bunker, Prime Minister Harpo's new non-comment advisor, but she, for the first time, had nothing to say.

The Harpoville Post wonders if Harpo is doing the right thing by shielding Canadians from questionable comments by his inexperenced cabinet members. Is this the Government we want? A Government that will soon take hold of the countries purse strings and run silently off in all directions in a 'silence is golden', 'ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies' and 'talk only when you're spoken to' style of government.

Is this the Government we pay for?

The Harpoville Post speaks out while the Canadian 'big boy' press lie like dogs whimpering in near silence. It refuses to sit by and watch this Prime Minister slowly slip a gag order over the necks of his cabinet (our Government), the press and eventually all Canadians.

Harpo's desire for silence will not be golden.

Free Web Counters & Statistics