Saturday, October 28, 2006

Calgary Cop Caught Collecting Guns for Ca$h

"These are old guns we're dealing with, real nickle and dime shit"

The Harpoville Post reports that a Calgary cop with 18 years experence got caught with his fingers in the gun collective kitty reselling guns that were supposed to be distroyed. When a Calgary woman called the cops to pick up two guns she wanted distroyed, during that city's gun amnesty program the woman was suprised when the officers refused to take them. A week later one of the officers return, in plan clothes and offered to buy the guns off her for ten dollars. The woman declined the offer, the officer went away and then return and offered her twenty dollars and a business card from a gun dealer in Edmonton to prove the weapons were worthless. The woman then, after getting nothing but offers from the police, called the press.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Constable Dean Pankewicz wanted to buy the guns and then resell them to the Edmonton gun dealer for a profit of $250 each. The officer has been suspended, with pay, pending an investigation. Calgary police have collected 600 guns since the amnesty program began but it is not clear how many they have resold and put back on the street.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Charles McVety Casts The First Stone

"I'm doing God's work of persecuting sinners"

The Harpoville Post reports that Charles McVety, leader of the Canadian Family Action Council took to the streets of Ottawa to gain support for the Harpo Government's attempt to reopen Bill C-38, The Civil Marriage Act. Though McVety was impressed by the amount of those that showed up he was suprised how few supported his anti-gay stance.

The Harpoville Post has learned McVety, founder, owner and operator of the C.F.A.C. and the religious based, Vote Marriage Canada, two orgainizations McVety created for just this reason, are the only ones interested in going down that 'should law abiding, tax paying gays be allowed to marry' road again. The Unitarian Church of Canada, who has been marrying same sex couples for years has no problem with it and wants it left alone. Rabbi Steven Garten from Temple Israel spoke out against McVety and his predominantly Christan based gay bashing opposition and the reopening of C-38 and the gay marriage debate.

The Harpoville Post reports that the only support McVety's gay bashing crusade received was from Louis Deserres from the McVety financed V.M.C. who rambled on incoherently about how the same sex marrriage law legally allows the natural parent to be taken away from a child. This comment raised even more eye brows to where McVety might be doing his recruiting.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Rabbi Garten who had this to say; "The Jewish community is not of one mind about the sanctity of marriage. I mean where the hell would the entertainment industry be without gay Jews."

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Madonna's Baby David's Dad Speaks Out

" I thought she was putting him into a life of prostitution not a life of luxury"

The Harpoville Post reports the 32-year-old African peasant farmer who allowed Madonna to have his son is finally speaking out but no one is quite sure what he's trying to say. Last weeks uproar was because Madonna decided she wanted to return from her trip to Africa with something more than a bag of handmade trinkets and a suitcase full of illegal Ivory. It seems Madonna had her eye on a little black baby boy she spotted at an orphanage on the 22-day 27-orphanages tour she'd signed up for. Soon the papers were signed and Madonna headed for the airport with her new child in tow, through pictures later revealed Madonna has a white woman to do all her heavy towing. Everything was fine until she entered Heathrow airport and customs discovered there are laws against that type of carry on luggage.

The Harpoville Post has learned when news returned to Africa that Madonna had left with the child the boy's father suddenly got upset when he realized what the word adoption meant and decided he wanted the air to his peasant farming life returned immediately and most likely put to work. The peasant farmer, named Yohane Banda was quite impressed by Madonna naming his son David and said; "It's a far sight better than Yohane. What kind of name is Yohane? Do you think somebody was going to call me Hane and yelled it out by mistake one day? I think that's what happened." The man went on to say about the adoption of his son; "I will look forward to the day when my son David, after living with Madonna and her no talent husband in castles and fancy hotels around the world, eating the best foods served on the best china and crystal and being educated by the the most brilliant minds on the planet then finally, when he's grown to be a man, return to me and take his rightful place in the family business of peasant farming."

Mexico Clears Murders Mom of Slayings

"It's the way we do it down Mexico way"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Mexican authorities have cleared Delgado Fajardo, 36, in the slaying of two Canadian tourists last winter down Mexico way. Mr. and Mrs. Domenic Ianiero of Woodbridge Ontario who were in Mexico for a family wedding were found in their blood soaked room in a posh Mexican resort with their throats slashed. The case has been wrapped in controversy when it was reported that the couples blood was mopped up and their room made up long before police were even informed a crime had been committed.

The Harpoville Post reports that within no time the Mexican police took charge of the murder scene and turned their attention on two middle aged cougars from Thunder Bay Ontario. The two gals, who were out on a tear were down in Mexico for fun, sun and maybe get them-selves some Cabana Boy action were picked up by police as they arrived back in Thunder Bay, sunburn and hung-over. After the Mexican authorities spent two weeks in Canada seeing the sights and clearing the two single mothers they returned to Mexico and turned their stealth like police attention towards Delgado Fajardo 36 a security guard working at the hotel. Reports that the trained ex-army commando, Delgado, befriended the Canadian couple, escorting them around the resort and rubbing Mr. Ianiero's tired feet did not at first arouse suspicion with the police or did the fact that Delgado disappeared along with the couples jewlery the day of the murder and has not been seen since cause them much concern either.

The Harpoville Post has now learned that Mexican authorities have cleared the mother of Delgado Fajardo of any wrong doing after a hair of hers was not found, after numerous cleanings, at the posh Mexican murder scene. So Mexican authorities have decided to clear Delgado of any wrong doing though he still remains at large and this winters tourist-o season is rapidly approaching.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Pro-McKay Supporters Love Their Bitches

"We lik'em barefoot, pregant and down on all fours."

The Harpoville Poost reports that after much consideration from Canadian women voters they're finding the new Conservative Government beyond serious consideration. A new poll is showing that the Harpo Government is loosing the support of intelligent women voters who walk upright on two legs. Though, it seems, Tory support is still strong from slow, subservant women that walk on four legs and are referred to in the Tory Government as "Bitches."

The Harpoville Post has learned that although support has been slipping since the summer recent events have stepped up the decline. Last month the Harpo Government celebrated, through the hard work of the previous Liberal Government, a 13 Billion dollar kitty. The Government celebrated it by slashing a Billion dollars worth of spending from women's groups and Native Illiteracy programs. Now with this weeks announcement in the House of Commons from Foreign affairs Minister Peter McKay that his ex-girlfriend Belinda Stronach is nothing but a dog is not winning over fair-sex voters. But, the real stinger comes in McKay's insistance he didn't do it. The state of Peter's riverside address in India is being pumped up on the Net as pro-Tory bloggers, usualy short, stocky, bald men who's massive rejection from the fair sex still burns deep within their souls as they support Peter's puss-filled, crotch comments made about Belinda, (the one that got away) Stronach.

The Harpoville Post reports the reversal of their mis-fortune from female voters will not happen anytime soon as this Tory Government blindly follows the desires of religious strong-armers like Charles McVety as they step deeper into the abyss by reopening the same sex marriage law set for this fall. Though the Harpo Government knows they can not overturn the Gay Marriage law they want to make sure any Homo Hating House of The Lord won't have to bide by the new law and allow and offer services in what they call un-holy unions.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Sir Paul Beat Heather With Her Own Prostatic

"He made me dance around the room on one leg while he was high crazed on pot."

The Harpoville Post reports that Heather McCartney's lawyers have released a mountain of alligations againist ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney and his massive fortune. As the divorice heats up Heather sets her sights on the biggest payday in all the history of divorce settlements. With an estimated fortune of one and a half Billion dollars and no pre-nup insight Sir Paul stands to be the next big reason to say no to smoking dope.

The Harpoville Post has learned although British tabloids are forbidden by law to release divorice alligations, until they're proven to be true, and though no ones owning up to how these pre-court documents were released but since they're all alliged to be againist Sir Paul any stoner could easily stumble to the door of Heather and her lawyers. Which has even the press scratching their heads because one of the reasons given by Heather for the breakup of the couple is; 'the constant intrusion of the press into our private lives.' Though it all shouldn't come as such a big suprise because a close friend of Heather's, revealed recently that 'big breaking news' was on the way.

The Harpoville Post reports that Heather's alligitions led down only one road that Sir Paul is a drunken, vendictive, pot smoking loat who deserves a good shagging of the pocket book. In Heather's claim to $750 Million dollars she swears Paul, broke a wine glass into her arm, refused her a bed pan so she didn't have to hop to the john in the middle of the night and tried to stop Heather from breast feeding their baby by pushing the child away and screaming "no, I'm the one in need of calcum."

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

New Polls Scare The Shit out of Conservatives

"Smell that? It's like the whole Conservative caucus just shit their pants"

The Harpoville Post reports that a recent poll has Harpo's Government neck and neck with the Liberals and that's with a Libeal party without a Liberal leader. The news must have hit the Conservative quite hard because once they cleaned out their pants they went about purging the party of any rotten fruit they feel they might have ingested. First to go was long time Conservative party member Garth Turner, who's been around since the early 90's, which was back when there was a real Conservative party but who now sits alone, with one other guy, in the cheap seats with a little plaque labled "Independant".

The Harpoville Post has learned that even Garth didn't see this one coming but he must of smelled it from a long way away after months of writting his blog and voicing his 'much needed opinion' on the inner workings of this new Conservative Government. Prime Minister Harpo was too busy in the toilet to do the dirty himself and left it up to the Ontario Conservative wing, the weakest of the bunch, to give Garth a wedgy, they've long desired before sending him on his way. The Prime Minister's office is swearing the fifth for Harpo who was no where to be seen, heard from or asked when the press came a calling which leads one to suspect; "Isn't that the way he really wants it."

The Harpoville Post reports that the Harpo 'cone of silence' is stretching further and farther than anyone could have suspected when the Prime Minister says he wants a more "open and accountable government" he means seal all the leaks and batten done the hatchs which really means cut anyone from the party that has his own opinion and the balls enough, whether they smell of shit or not, to voice them.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Viva Las CBGB's

"There is talk of a Johnny Rotten Roulette Wheel but the Sid Vicious Slots have yet to be confirmed."

The Harpoville Post reports that Hell has frozen over packed up and moved out west to Las Vegas as news the New York City nite-club CBGB's is doing the same. The club, which has been a New York City landmake for some 30 years, first opened as a bar offering both types of music, Country and Western, but by the late 70's they decided to take the 'O' out of country and go punk. Soon it was the place to be with a safety pin thru your cheek and your best ripped 'T'. Now 30 years later they're picking up, packing up and going western again but this time all the way the Las Vegas.

The Harpoville Post has learned that big city real estate is the reason that CBGB's is closing its doors and looking for a new place to hang its shingle. But, all the way to Las Vegas? It's seems Manhattans movers and shakers needed another place to wet their parched asbestos coated post 9/11 lips so they decided that the Bowery's CBGB's location was the best place to open another Tony Martini's. So they've given CBGB's owner Hilly Kristal his walking papers and he's packing up all up, the bar, the posters, the vinyl Vicious vomit and even the toilets where many a junky OD on and dragging it all out west to set it up on the Glitz and Glitter strip of Las Vegas.

The Harpoville Post reports the soon 'old punk rockers', who haven't already slipped out the back door to meet their maker, will be seen strutting the Las Vegas strip with the likes of Liza, Elton, Rod, Barbara, Zigfield and half of Roy doing three shows a night with a two drink minimum saying things like; "Maybe you remember this one and I'll be here all week try the veal."

Friday, October 13, 2006

Liberals Don't Know Mr. Jew Like I Do

"We, the Conservative Party of Canada, ignored Israel's use of cluster bombs to slaughter innocent women and children in Lebanon unlike those Jew hating Liberals"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Prime Minister Harpo's damnation of Liberal leadership hopeful Michael Ignatieff honest realization that Israel committed 'war crimes' against Lebanon when they invaded that country and bombed it back into the 6th centry. Ignatieff first response was to say it was beneath him and his office to respond to such a comment. Which is in contrast to Ignatieff's original comment; "I'm not loosing any sleep over it" when asked how he felt about Israel's invasion of Lebanon.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Liberal leadership hopeful Bob Rae has a bone to pick with Harpo for the fact that he has a Jew of his own at home and takes offence at Harpo's insistance that all Liberal's hate 'the Jew'. Bob Rae told the Harpoville Post; "What an asshole he is. I've got a Jew wife and half Jew kids, how can he say I don't support the Jew's. Have you seen my daughters cell phone bill?"

The Harpoville Post also spoke to Gerard Kennedy another candidate who sits on the long end of the short list in the leadership race and he had this to say: "Harpo was looking after his pocket book and not the country's interest when he made such a comment. When Israel invaded Lebanon Harpo was in Russia with U.S. President George Bush lap dogging in support of whatever the Americans said. Then once he had the Jew hear he went after the Jew purse and Harpo sent his money men across Canada cashing in and now he's still cashing in. It's obvious to see who ownes Harpo's pound of flesh."

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Ignatieff camp is taking this Tory assualt the hardest with one of his biggest Jew supporters and fund raisers in Ontario jumping ship after learning of his anti-jew comments. Though by Friday Micheal's latest decission is to take the time to travel to Israel to see first hand what his comments have done to dry up the flow of dough he so badly needs to keep the front runner position in his bid for Liberal leadership........ God forbid he travel to Lebanon to see first hand where the real damage lies.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Republicans Have Know it For Years

"That the internet is the best place to pick up a young hot male page."

The Harpoville Post reports that the news of the Republicans knowledge of Florida's favorite son Congressman Mark Foley's fancy footwork on the internet dates all the way back to the year 2000. That's long before U.S. President G. W. Bush knew there was anything called the 'Super Highway'. It seems a few members of the house were 'down' with Foley's use of this 'software' as a tool for 'downloading' his 'hardware' onto some 'compatable' and 'uncompatable systems'.

The Harpoville Post has learned that as more and more Republicans scramble to save their own necks to not go down with this sinking ship they've been seen scrambling for higher ground and as far away from 'Fast Fingers Foley' as possible. But as the tide waters rise from beneath some members of the GOP are managing to stay afloat by stepping and standing on fellow Republicans. Republican Jim Kolbe is now coming forward to say he's known about Foley's folly since 2000 but, never thought it was his place to speak out against the sick twisted mind of such a high standing member of the GOP. But with the 'shit hitting the fan' so hard some Republicans have taken to wall papering their offices with Depends, he thought it best to suddenly come forward with his sudden disapproval.

"It's all that bitch Hilary's fault she doesn't understand a mans needs"

The Harpoville Post reports that the GOP mud-slingers have moved into high gear and raised some concern that it's the Democrats that have hidden the truth from the American public of what a sick bunch of 'pre-verts' the Republicans have turned into while wallowing far too long, and growing far too fat at the United States Congressional Fair.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Bush Asks Canada Who The Fucks Arar?

"We got a Jamie Farr is that who you're talking about?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Prime Minister Harpo called the White House to ask US President G.W. Bush about the ill treatment of Maher Arar, a Canadian citizen who's was arrested and detained in New York City when his plane landed there back in 2002. Arar, who was eventually labeled a terrorist and deport to Syria where he was tortured has recently be cleared of any charges in Canada, apologized to by the RCMP but has been roughly ignored by the ruling Conservative party. It seems Maher Arar was wrongfully arrrested and detained by police when his flight landed in New York City and the RCMP, Royal Canadian Mounted Police told the American's he was a terrorists. Although the RCMP have admitted they were behind the mix-up that led Arar being labled a terrorist and sent to Syria where he was thrown in prison and tortured Prime Minister Harpo wants the US President to comment anyway.

The Harpoville Post has learned that while the White House weclomed Harpo's call and the funds, although in Canadian curency, he has been secretly sending to President Bush for admission to his World Domination Foundation they mostly laughed off his call. When the Harpoville Post spoke to US President G.W. Bush he had this to say; "I swear that fuckin' Harpo's on something stronger than 5% Labatt's, he just gets a bit little goofier everyday. What the fucks he phone us for? Thia Arar lands in America, his intelligence agency tells us he's a terrorists. we throw his ass in jail then deport him back to Syria where they hook him up to their version on Con Ed give him a couple thousand volts to help deepen his tan and then he calls us when he's fucked up. It seems a little back-ass-wards to be ragging on us now about this."

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Conservative Environment is a Messy One

"Well once there was a plan but now were taking that wonderful plan back to the drawing board erasing all we've done, dismantled the drawing board and gone home to Alberta were we don't give a shit about the environment."

The Harpoville Post reports the Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose made an annoucement on the Harpo Government's long awaited "Made in Canada" plan that the plan has now been downgraded to a footnote. The plan which was to be revealed in the fall of 2006 but now as the colours of fall have arrived there seems to be no plan, no annoucement and nothing to offer Canadians and the rest of the world to combat greenhouse gas from the Harpo Government.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Ambrose's Tuesday annoucement that the Harpo Government would start cracking down on Ontario's already crippled auto industry as the big three slowly stumble along. Although, 'the crack down' woudn't go into effect for maybe another 13 years long after Alberta is sucked dry from their life line of 'Texas T'. As the Harpo Government skirts the environmental issuses by refusing to go to the source to ask the horse and the cause of up to 28% of all new greenhouse gases in North America the barren oil rich Tar Sands of Alberta. But why? ....... Could it be...... no....... but what if....... it were true........ Harpo isn't dumb enough to risk his only guaranteed voting base and the holders of the $$$ that got him elected.

The Harpoville Post reports that by Thursday the Harpo house toilet got even more backed up when a bill, forcing the Conservative government to honor the former Liberal Governments Kyoto obligations passed a second reading and vote in the House of Commons. As the three opposition parties all ganged up on Harpo Government out voting them 152 to 115 which left the Conservatives sitting with egg on their face and shit in their pants when they were caught voting againist a bill which calls for them to uphold a treaty which they claim to support. Though this does follow Conservative environmental logic of going after the manufactures of the cars the petroleum industry needs to ensure huge profits in the future rather than ask Alberta to clean up their own shitty backyard of the 28% increase in greenhouse gases they produce now while they still have the funds to do it.

The Harpoviile Post reports that by Friday the environmental stench seeping from beneath the Minister of Environmental disasters Rona Ambrose was near unbearable as she strapped on the Depends and was sent back in wading around in the Tory environmental mess by claiming a whole new approach to the environmental is needed but gave no indication what that is, what they will do about it or how long Canadians will wait for the governments next kick at the can and flush of environmental concern.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Homophobia Soon Legal in Canada

"We only seek the right to call a spade a spade and a fagot a fagot"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Prime Minister Harpo may have found a way to get out from underneath the pressure he is feeling from his religious right voting base to do away with gay marriages in Canada. Harpo and his Government plan to reopen the gay marriage debate in the fall but knowing it will be blocked have decided to move right along to plan B; allow the gay hating, homophobic religious right do and say anything they like not to follow the law of the land and give equality to all Canadians, regardless of their sexual preference.

The Harpoville Post has learned the Conservative Government plans to continue allowing their Conservative voting base a way out of following the laws of the land. In the spring their scrapping of the gun registry law allowed gun owners not to be responsible for the weapons they purchase making it impossible for the police to successfully trace a gun after it has been stolen from the less than responsible gun owner. Now by allowing Christian Conservatives the right to refuse the use of churches and their services to marriage minded gays they're are saying it is OK to refuse same sex citizens their rights ensured by the laws of Canada.

The Harpoville Post reports that the governments opposition again wonders what the Tory government is really up to because the rights of all Canadians is already covered by the charter of rights. Harpo told the Harpoville Post; "We will support the rights of all gay Liberal and NDP voting Canadians but even more-so support the rights of our Christian Conservative voting base to practice their religion, practice their religious views to refuse a spade a spade and call them all little fagots."

Mark Foley Releases Multiple Choice Excuses

"I was touched by the drunken left hand of God"

The Harpoville Post reports Republican Florida Congressman Mark Foley has released a multiply choice excuse press release to explain why he sent 'hot gay' emails to a 16 year old male page. Stopping just short of saying 'God may me gay' Foley, through his team of over priced lawyers, swears the reason he desires 'hot young male teen flesh' his that he was once 'hot young male teen flesh' himself and some sick old middle aged Christian sicko had his way with him and he always felt it was his duty to pass on the torch of the touch.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Foley's over priced team of excuse men have left no stone unturned as they work they're magic on a bid to find a silver lining in Foley's political career and the GOP's desire to hold onto the house as they both show signs of soon being thrown out with the baby's bath water. With excuses like a) abused as a teen b) touched by the cloth and c) the demon drink. Foley feels the need to explan away his actions after months of everybody in the GOP knowing of Foley's hot emails with the 16 year old male page. With cries from deep within the "family values" side of the party to rid itself of these demons before they return to the gay old 90's when the only gay Republican anyone in party spoke of was Rush Limbaugh.

I'm The Father To Anna Nichole's Baby

The Harpoville Post reports that Anna Nichol Smith will soon be spending alot of time in court as questions arise on who the real father is of her new born baby daughter. First her Lawyer Howard Stern stepped forward to say he was the baby's father then photgrapher Larry Birkhead filed papers in court stating he is the father. Now this has opened the flood gates as many more men are now stepping forward saying they're the father of Anna's newly born daughter.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Steve Solowsky, a long time resident of Harpoville who told us of his impending case for the ownership of Anna Nichol Smith's baby; "Well you see I was driving limo for my uncle Jack when Anna came to Harpoville unexpectedly last year. While we were driving downtown she spoke of what a lonely life she led and if she could just find the right guy she'd give that all up and settle down. we'll I guess I just fell for her head over heals cause I told her I give up the good life of working for my uncle's limo service for the right girl. So, after a night of passion she left town swearing she'd be back for me now she's had our baby and I've decided it would be best, now I don't work for uncle Jack anymore, to be with my family at this time."

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